JOKES!!!

[Gaumont]

After all war-threads, fights and such I think its time to make a joke thread. Perhaps we have had one before (but I dont remember anyone), but in that case lets just call this version 2 =)

On the Counter-Strike forum I go to, we have one that we just keep filling. Its up to 916 replies now, and filled of funny jokes and pictures. So lets see if we cant beat that and make a super thread filled with jokes, to lighten the mood here =)

I'll start with copying a few of them.



****************************************************

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.


Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God."

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

****************************************************

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

CANADIANS - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS- Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS - This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

CANADIANS - Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

CANADIANS - We are a lighthouse. Your call.

****************************************************

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she'd like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he'd never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3 pack, a 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in.' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

****************************************************

If Santa answered his mail honestly...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

----------------

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, ........your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

--------------

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

-----------------

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

--------------------

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

****************************************************

"You going to die, cowboy," says the Indian chief. "But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

"I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the behind. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring, typical white man can only think of one thing.

The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"

"I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ***.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, typical white man going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.

It is the final day. "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

"I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears and twists them, hard. "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!" he yells. "P-O-S-S-E!"

[Gaumont]

and a few dirty ones =)



Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!"

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you -
I'm coming!"


****************************************************



One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in
hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

****************************************************

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36201">

[Gaumont]

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation marks

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."



<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36204">
Today Microsoft published the complete list of bugs in Windows. Its the first time all knows bugs will be availible for the public.
Mr. Hyan-Lee from japan (see picture) made the misstake of printing out the whole list.

[redbear]

:big grin:


great thread and great idea....i was hoping someone might want to do this.....

oh...and some funny jokes....

:side note:
are curse words being censored on this board recently on purpose or are people just censoring themselves...??

[Shelly]

First, can I say, Thanks for posting the healthy level of insanity, I lost that, and its so funny.

The old ones are the best, so, I shall attempt to dig some out!

Things Men need To Know About Style
>
> 1. Yes, Homer Simpson is funny - but not on your tie.
> 2. Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a
vicar.
> 3. Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable.
Ironing
> them yourself is evidence of an unsound mind.
> 4. Cowboy boots - NO!!!
> 5. Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch.
> 6. Going bald ? - shave it off for God's sake.
> 7. Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won
Wimbledon.
> 8. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wild
> side of your corporate facade. They do, however, mean your mother
> still dresses you or you wish she did.
> 9. Socks and sandals - lovely on Germans.
> 10. A jester hat does not a wacky man make. Even Noddy Holder regrets
> the 70s.
> 11. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers......
> 12. as are medallions.....
> 13. ...and tracksuit tops and bottoms.
> 14. Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet?? Habitat
> helpline 0845 601 0740
> 15. Open shirts: one button open = professional; two buttons =
casual;
> three = oversharing.
> 16. Tight sleeveless muscle t-shirts are only ok if you're 17, can do
> the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat, and are a member
> of NSync.OK
> 17. Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = tosser.
> 18. Here's a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn't real, and Angelina
> is: a) an actress and b) married.
> 19. Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying the Man Utd
> kit? Please seek professional help.
> 20. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet and
> "ice" ring in the window of H.Samuel where it can live a long and
> happy life doing no-one any harm....
> 21. You'll NEVER pull if you put your mobile in the mobile phone
> pocket of your combats.
> 22. Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it's
> not going to do it for you.
> 23. Chinos - fashionable for 6 months in 1989 and that was it
>
>
> Things Women need To Know About Style
>
> 1. Show more cleavage.
> 2. Wear shorter skirts

********************************************

>A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
>graduate students. It had one question:
>
>"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
>Support your answer with a proof."
>
>Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
>(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
>some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
>
>First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
>we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
>they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
>gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
>for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
>religions that exist in the world today.
>
>Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
>religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
>religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
>can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
>death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
>increase exponentially.
>
>Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
>Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
>Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
>added. This gives two possibilities:
>
>1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
>enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
>until all Hell breaks loose.
>
>2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
>of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
>Hell freezes over.
>
>So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
>Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell
>before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still
>have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot
>be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
>
>The student got the only A.

[Shelly]

One of my favourte

Things you'd love to say at work but can't

1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand what you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw up fairy has visited you again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for whatever is behind door number 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
36. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
37. I thought that I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted
paychecks.



Call Centre Fun!
Can you actually believe that some people are this dumb. Oh, and if anyone has the Stupid Sign jokes, put those up, I can't find them.

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

******************
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?". Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

******************
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?".

******************
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff,
please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
Fell off".

******************
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
>>>Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?". Caller: "Yes. That's what it says
on the label - Woven in Scotland".

******************
Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please". Operator: "Where are you
Calling from?". Caller: "The living room".

******************
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

******************
Computer Capers Tech Support:
"I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

******************
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?". Customer: "Wow. How can you see my
screen from there?".

******************
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

******************
British Rail Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the
train?".
Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".

******************
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 1530 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

******************
The Bank Caller: "I would like to borrow £2,000 please".
Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?".
Caller: "Three years, please".
Operator: "OK, sir. That will be £75 per month for 36 months. Is
That OK?".
Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"

[Gaumont]

This is a good one


This is a reproduction of a letter written to an insurance company as part of an ongoing correspondence regarding a workers compensation insurance claim. The names of the injured party, his employer and the insurance company have been omitted for obvious reasons. Please read on for a good laugh.

Dear Sir,

I'm writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block #3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of the accident. In your letter you said that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details should be sufficient.

I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 3 story building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 300 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the 3rd floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went to to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope while holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of bricks.

You will note in block #2 of the accident report form that I stated I weighed 165 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and did not let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.

Slowed down only slightly by the barrel I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, I retained consciousness and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain and injuries.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel broke out. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrate were cracked.

I'm sorry to report however as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand or move, I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down and broke both of my legs.

I hope I furnished the information that you need to complete the processing of my claim and that you understand how the accident occurred by trying to do the job alone.

********************************************

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36226">

[Granite]

Here's one of my favorite jokes:

A guy is in a session with his psychiatrist. He tells the doctor, "Hey Doc, I've been having these really scary dreams...(guy's tone increasingly gets more anxious...I dream a monster is chasing me, a big scary monster, straight out of Aliens or something...and every night he gets closer and closer to me...its the same dream doc!...and...and...I'm really afraid he's gonna catch me....!!!!!!!!!" The guy is almost in tears.

Doc says to the guy," OK, calm down, no need to fear, it's just a dream. See what happens this coming week in your dream, and we will discuss it next week."

Guy nods in approval and the session is over. A week passes, and the guy noticable fatigued, comes in for another session with the doc.

"Now tell me about your dream. Did anything new happen," says the doctor

"Well doc, the scary monster kept getting closer and closer and closer...Until finnally last night he caught me!!!! I was so afraid, I thought he was going to eat me...I said to him, (guy's voice shaking),"What are you going to do to me now?!?!? The monster then said, 'I don't know, it's you're dream...'"

[corfy]

This one is an old favorite of mine.

A salesman man traveled to Pheonix on a business trip. After getting off the plane, he noticed an old Indian sitting under a tree. He had heard that Indians have really good memories, and he decided to test that. He walked up to the Indian and, without any introductions or explanations, asked simply, "What did you have for breakfast on Aug. 10, 1963?"

The Indian replied simply but quickly, "Eggs."

The salesman was taken back by his answer and left him alone.

A year later, the salesman made another trip to that same airport. When he got off the plane, he saw the same Indian sitting under the same tree. He remembered how he was rather rude to him and how the Indian answered him despite his rudeness and the fact that it was none of his business. He decided to try to make peace with the Indian.

He walked up to the Indian, raised his right hand, and said, "How."

"Scrambled," the Indian replied.

:D

And while I am on the subject of Indian-based jokes...

A millionaire wanted to have a mural painted on a wall in his mansion, so he hired an artist.

"I am going on vacation for a month, and while I am gone, I would like for you to paint a mural depicting Custer's final thoughts," the millionaire told the artist.

When he returned home a month later, sure enough, the mural was completed. However, the millionaire was confused because the mural showed a large field several Native Americans in various stages of lovemaking, and a cow with a halo in the middle of the mural.

He called the artist and asked for an explanation.

"Well," the artist replied, "I figured Custer's final thoughts were 'Holy cow, look at all those f***ing Indians!"

:P

And now a blonde joke:

A blonde was sitting in a rowboat out in the middle of a field and was rowing away for all she was worth. Another blonde was driving by on the road next to the field and, when she saw the first blonde, she pulled over and got out of her car.

"You should be ashamed of yourself," she yelled at the blonde in the boat from the side of the road. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come out there and slap you!"

:whistle:

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."

:embarasse

A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. After eating, he pulls out a gun, shoots the piano player, and starts to walk out the door.

"Hey, you can't just shoot my piano player like that, and you didn't pay for the sandwich," the bartender yells.

"I'm a panda, look it up," says the panda, and walks out the door.

The bartender was ticked but pulled out a dictionary and looked up Panda. After reading the definition, he realized that there was nothing he could do.

"Panda [n] a large black-and-white carnivore of a bearlike family from China. Eats shoots and leaves."

:rolleyes:

[Gaumont]

A Letter Home


$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.


--------------------------------------------

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

[Stormwalker]

hehe these are funny :) keep em coming.. i was going to post the hell endo/exothermic one :) but i was beaten to the punch! :)

[Gaumont]

At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36287">

[flying_dug0ng]

the inevitable iraq jokes:



What is the Iraqi air force motto? "I came, I saw, Iran."


Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program? "Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there."


What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? "Two days."


What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? "They both have Kurds in their way."


What is the best Iraqi job? "Foreign ambassador."


Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? "You only have to teach them to take off."


How do you play Iraqi bingo? "B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52 ..."


What is Iraq's national bird? "Duck."


What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? "They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!"


Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats? "So they can see their air force":ninja:

[Marcus]

:big grin: This thread rocks!!

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by Marcus
:big grin: This thread rocks!!

lol good. Heres another =)

*************************************************'


Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)


10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)




In response...
The male perspective on the same issue ...



Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men and what they actually mean)....

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)


<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36338">
imagine finding this sign if an accident has happened lol

[radstar]

i posted this a while back... copied it and pasted it on here for most of yall who haven't seen it :)



Why did the chicken cross the road?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

L.A. POLICE DEPARTMENT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historicial inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it Scully?

MACIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

[Gaumont]

COMMAND REDUCTION OF ARMY PERSONNEL ( C.R.A.P. )

As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S HIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of S HIT our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more S HIT than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough S HIT, see your commander. Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the S HIT you can stand.

[Shelly]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

Day 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
98:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing
that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded,
must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt
to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...
must try this on their bed.

DAY 765
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little cat I was.
Hmmm..... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however
it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What
sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes
they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn
what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to
his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[Gaumont]

LOL good stuff

[Gaumont]

Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up 3 interviews. The first man was great! He knew everything he needed to know & was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears". Dave did not appreciate his candor & threw him out of the office!

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first one! Dave asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "You have no ears." Dave again got upset & chucked her out in a rage!

The third & final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his BSc(Hons). He was smart. He was handsome, & seemed to be a better businessman than the first 2 put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead & asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered,"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked at this incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?" Dave asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically & replied: "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fu#?ing ears!!!"

[redbear]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL...



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
Yeungling to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink another beer. Fetch bottle of gin. Make a GOOD gin and tonic, light on the tonic.
Pour an additional shot, consume rapidly.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot of Tanquary.
Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.Consume remainder of Tanqueray. Get spouse to drive you to
Shadyside Hospital's emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[redbear]

Subject: Punishment

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at
midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He finally arrives at the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the
pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

The poor guy says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Enlisted Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's twenty degrees
below zero and my specialty here is to pump **** from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?

[Shelly]

Love those cats and dogs jokes. Somewhere I had that Cat Pill one, I did have the Buttered Cats one, Differences between Cats and Dogs and How to bathe a cat. It seems that they've gone missing! Shame, maybe I can find them on the net, in the meantime

Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the
Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't

Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run
Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to
Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your
Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten"
Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under
the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John
Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't
Mean You Can Fix It

[Shelly]

DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN

1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they
Feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It
means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "Fine" to describe how she
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)

2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.

3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "Five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."

5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.

8. "Oh"
This word-followed by any statement-is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days.

9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.

10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."

12. "Thanks A Lot"
Dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

[Gaumont]

lol

and heres another one
*************************''
Latest news from Europe

The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our Brussels-based hack. The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru

[corfy]

In honor of the EuroEnglish post...

Seen on a t-shirt:

Anuther brillyant mined distoryed bi thee publik edukashun sistum.

:P

[Gaumont]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[redbear]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down
three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be
refreshed."

"There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that
fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then
have a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake,
but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear
grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter
shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese
sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for
the cooling mist of the water,

The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps for the mouse,
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is probably in danger!

[redbear]

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on
their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband "in the mood" at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so
that night, when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by red bear
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is probably in danger!


lol


***********************************************
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps. General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[radstar]

Women Waiting for the Perfect Man

[corfy]

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone autodial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL DRINK ALL YOUR MILK RIGHT OUT OF THE CARTON.

FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!!!

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 2000/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds, your television will only be able to receive Jerry Springer episodes 24 hours a day.

:confused:

[corfy]

To: Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

:zorro:

[corfy]

Golden Telephone!

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Indiana. Upon entering a church in Lafayette, Indiana, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute - your charge is only 35 cents. How can this be?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Indiana now... It's a local call."

:angel"

[Gaumont]

lol

[corfy]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to plant his potatoes, but spading the ground was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

***********
Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potatoes this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Regards,
Dad

***********

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

***********

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

Regard,
Bubba

***********

At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area finding no bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

***********

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.

That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Bubba

***********

[corfy]

The boss had to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. The phone was answered by a child whispering, "hello."

"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Confused, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what was going on, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen," came the whispered answer.

Now very concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

In an awed little voice the child whispered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed and more than a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for???"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

:whistle:

[corfy]

Five Airplane Passengers

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the cleverest woman in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The girl said, "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest woman has taken my schoolbag."

[Gaumont]

No more nerds...
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em.

[corfy]

One day, God decides that it's finally time to finish up this whole "earth" business. He schedules Judgement Day to be in a week, and then has a meeting with the world's 3 most important people, just to let them know what's coming up: George W. Bush, The leader of Red China, Jiang Zemin, and Bill Gates. After the personal meetings with God, the 3 most important people got together with their top staff to break the news. It went something like this:

Bush: Well, folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, there really is a God. The bad news is, He's ending life on Earth in a week.

Zemin: I have some bad news, and some even worse news. There really IS a God, and He's wiping us out in a week.

Bill Gates: Hey guys! I've got some good news, and some fantastic news! First, God says that I'm one of the three most important people on the planet! And even better than that, we don't have to worry about fixing Windows XP!!

:geek:

[trailergod]

Taoism: shi't happens

Hinduism: This shi't happened before

Confucianism: Confucius say: shi't happens

Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shi't happening

Zen: What is the sound of shi't happening?

Islam: If shi't happens, it is the will of Allah

Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock: 'shi't happens.'

Atheism: There is no such thing as shi't

Agnosticism: Maybe shi't happens, and maybe it doesn't
Protestantism: shi't won't happen if I work harder

Catholicism: If shi't happenes, I deserve it

Judaism: Why does shi't always happen to me?

Televangelism: Send money or shi't will happen to you

Rastafarian: Smoke that shi't

Orthodoxism: Hoooooleeeeyyyyy shi't

Televangelism: Send money or shi't will happen to you


JP..this sucks..we cant even say **** (s.h.i.t.) in the forums? :confused:

[radstar]

just some goof.....

read this out loud

This is only cat
This is idiots cat
This is would cat
This is read cat
This is this cat

now read every third word in each sentence out loud :D :P

[Shelly]

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.

[Shelly]

Oh dear, I found it.
Its very stand up comedy, but funny all the same.

Stupid People

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
anything.
It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."


I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled
right up on me. Here's your sign."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
>
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is!
S M I L E

[Gaumont]

This little boy goes to his dad...asks dad "What is politics?"....Dad says, "well Son, let me try to explain it this way: "I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People, the nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s---".

[Shelly]

(sung to the tune of "Help!", with apologies to Lennon/McCartney)
"HELP!
My system's frozen!"

"HELP!
All my apps are closin'!"

"HELP!
You know my screen is blue!"

"HEELLLLLP!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay,
I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
End users called me up to tell me what was wrong,
And now I find, it fried my mind, I worked "the desk" too long.

"Help me if you can, my system's down!
And a reboot didn't bring it back 'round!
Should it make that awful grinding sound?
Help desk pleeeeeease, please help me!"

And now my work has changed in oh so many ways,
I wrangle data; I'm an MCDBA.
But now and then the help desk sneaks into my dreams,
I'm taking calls, I'm up the walls, I wake up with a scream.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
I read virus-laden e-mails by the pound!
All my data's one big steaming mound!
Help desk PLEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay,
I worked the help desk for eight hours every day.
But now I wish that I could travel back in time,
I wouldn't cry, if only I could leave that desk behind.

"Help me if you can my system's down!
Spilled my coffee, now my hard drive's full of grounds!
Lost my pictures filled with women bound!
HELP DESK PLEEEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!
HELP ME!
HELP ME! Oooooooo...."

(sitar music starts up)

"If you'd like to speak with a help desk representative, using your
touch
tone phone, please press number nine..."

"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."
"Number nine..."

[carl]

Originally posted by Shelly
The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
I think I went to school with that guy.:whistle:

[Gaumont]

Are You a Guy?
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient



1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.



2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.



3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.



4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

(1) He is legally within the basepath,
(2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
(3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.



5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.



6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.



7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.



8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?



9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"



10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.



11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.



12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.





How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

[carl]

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=37571">

[Gaumont]

The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"



What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:



1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."



The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:



2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?



3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:


"Dear," said the wife.
"What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the usband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
"And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband.
"She is left-handed."

[Gaumont]

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=37711">

[redbear]

http://guggemand.dk/flash/PeriodicTable.swf

:huh: :D

[corfy]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die , I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said,! "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

:angel"

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by corfy
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die , I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said,! "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

:angel"

http://w1.403.telia.com/~u40309592/X_mb/Gaumont_MB_lol.jpg

[Gaumont]

These are actual excuse notes from parents
(Including original spelling)
Collected by Nisheeth Parekh
University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

---------------------------------

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fev er. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

[redbear]

cops, robbers and lawyers

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender several
running blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description
of this so-called offender.
A. Yes sir.
Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then
officer - do you have a locker at the station - a room where
you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your
Fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you
share with those same officers?
A. You see, sir, we share the building with a
court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter,
and a prompt recess was called.

[redbear]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up
onto the stage to be put into a trance, intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The entire crowd, indeed, become totally mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.

"sh_t" said the hypnotist.


It took three weeks to clean up the theatre

[redbear]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"


"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes
another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building
three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a
real a$$hole when you're drunk.

[redbear]

No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly
gay.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothing.

The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both. That's just plain mean.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow party goers.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo
wing clean.

If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must
jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have
caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ***-whooping", then
you may sit back and enjoy.

Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for
every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.

Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to
hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your
good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is
forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he,
in return is required to grant it.

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and
it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his
beer.

Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's
withholding sex pending your response.

Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either
both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is
all the conversation you need.

If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join
him...too gay.

Thou shall not rent the movie "How Stella Got Her Groove Back ".

Thou shall watch the "American Pimp" DVD at least twice a year.

If your chick is out of line require her to watch "What's Love Got To Do
With It" (do not however let her view the end). After watching the great
Ike Turner put it down, she will be content with whatever you put her through.

Under no circumstances shall two men share an umbrella.

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by red bear
the man code

LOL

[Gaumont]

Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell!

Demon: Hell isn't so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we
drink till we throw up and then drink some more!
Guy: Gee, sounds great!

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out, and
cigarettes too! If you get cancer, no biggie you are already
dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that is awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go
bankrupt...well, you're dead anyway. What about drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...
Demon: Ooooh. You're gonna hate Fridays

[blugh]

WARNING: Tasteless

What did World Trade Center management do right after the second plane hit on Sept. 11th?



Started a Shop Till They Drop Sale.

[radstar]

Originally posted by blugh
WARNING: Tasteless

What did World Trade Center management do right after the second plane hit on Sept. 11th?



Started a Shop Till They Drop Sale.

uhh... that's not funny i'm sorry

[Shelly]

Tasteless jokes are one thing, but thats another.

Could we have that reply removed.

No offence meant, but its not on.

Thanks

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by Shelly
Could we have that reply removed.

not really nececary I think. Its perhaps not the usuall kind of joke but its not that bad.

[Shelly]

I know what you mean, but its not the joke, its the topic of the joke, and I hesitate to call it a joke, as I don't think it is.

There will always be jokes which offend people, but I think there is a line with certain topics. I've heard worse, but I like this thread, very much, I'd like everyone to feel the same way, without touching a raw nerve for people.

I've nearly pasted a few other jokes, which may be of poor taste, mainly as they may offend younger members, so its difficult to decide what to put on.

[Gaumont]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about
2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the
rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else, the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the
rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces
within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

[Shelly]

:cool:
You beat me to it, my aim was to get another joke up as quick as poss!
I like that one, everyone needs time for themselves.


Training Courses Now Available for Men

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? : You CAN Tell the
Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't

Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the
Electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run
Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to
Goodwill

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your
Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten"
Means

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under
the "Action/Adventure" Category or Selecting movies that don't star John
Wayne on television

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't
Mean You Can Fix It

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by Shelly
:cool:
You beat me to it, my aim was to get another joke up as quick as poss!


whoohoo 1 point for me


Originally posted by Shelly
Training Courses Now Available for Men
...

funny one =)







*******************************************'

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

[Shelly]

I like 3,4,5 and 6!

Being a blonde, I can put this!

Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Shelly]

Have to love the pollution one! And Mariah Carey, duh, hello. Apparently she has someone who follows her round with a drink and a straw, so if she turns her head, they rush up so she can drink!!!!!! What is the world coming to?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," -- Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," -- A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" -- Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

“If we let the loggers go in and cut down all the trees we wouldn’t have a problem with forest fires.” – George Bush

[redbear]

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test
results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been
a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from
your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as
well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. And frankly,
your husband's results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs.Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."
Mrs. Ward asked, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of
town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[radstar]

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=40434">

[Gaumont]

The Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?"

The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks.

"Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?"

The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette".

Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?"

The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6."

Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".

He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Gaumont]

I think this thread is in the wrong place :cool: :angel" :whistle:

[radstar]

yah it's not related to movies.... you see? this is gonna be confusing from now on. you should've left everything in one place and i'm talking about general chatter. :P

[redbear]

Three rugby fans are in Saudi Arabia: An Irishman, an American and a
Frenchman. While sharing a smuggled crate of booze, all of a sudden, Saudi
police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia,
but since they were tourists, the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip and since it was his first
wife's birthday, they would each get one wish before their whipping."

The Irishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted
10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to
be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Irishman in horror he
said smugly: "Please tie two pillows to my back." But even two pillows
could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and he too was carried
away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of
the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you
may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful
highness", the American replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is
that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

"Tie the Frenchman to my back."

[Shelly]

We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.

Should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in, we can fix it with cosmetics.

We can have partners that are years younger than us without being called dirty old perverts.

We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. They look like complete dorks in our clothes.

We have total control over our eyebrows.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry to get out of speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts... and pool... and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our... womanhood.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other football thing). But we look incredibly cool if we do.

[redbear]

Reference: Stuttering

Guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been stuttering
Ffor yyyears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what the problem is."

So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."

The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

Doc says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down
pressure is putting a strain on your vocal cords."

Guy says, "Wwwhat cccan we dddo?"

Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

Guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the
doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter
anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.
My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one.
I don't care if I have to stutter, just put it back on!"

The doc says, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a dddeal

[redbear]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You
are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests
itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up,takes her little boy by the
hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[redbear]

An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his
wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary.
We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings.
But there's something I've wondered about. Tell me the truth.
Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times." "Three
times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.

Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and
we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our
little house?"
"Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
"And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next
day the bank extended our loan?"
"Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things
were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second
time?"
"Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost
died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
"Yes, of course," said Sidney.
"Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor,
he performed the operation at no cost?"
"Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do
understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the
third time?"
Marsha lowered her head and said,
"Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf
club and you needed 62 more votes?"

[redbear]

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street
corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to
a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot
and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the
guy in the front seat on the shoulder...

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store
and get some."

They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back
seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back out-
side and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what
I want."

Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the
counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you
want."
Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later
he's back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went
inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on
the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than
mine. He took my 5 dollars."

[radstar]

REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN









01. A guitar has a volume knob

02. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $0.79 for a new one

03. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to

04. You can unplug a guitar

05. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more

06. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset

07. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested

08. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care

09. If your guitar gets loose, you can just tighten up the strings

10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can change pickups

11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar

12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set

13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to your liking

14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required

15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free

Now, for the opposite:

REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
01. Women are more fun when the power goes out

02. You can't get your guitar wet

03. Ever try to screw a guitar?

04. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)

05. A guitar won't beg to be played

06. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it

07. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue

08. Guitars aren't very aggressive

09. A guitar won't play you back

10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream

11. A guitar won't scratch your back

12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk

13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it

14. You can't play two guitars at once

15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (awwwwwww, gee, how sweet ;-) (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)

[radstar]

A Dog Named Sex


Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by radstar
REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
...
06. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
...


aww damn, there goes my saturday night. :ninja:

[radstar]

Funny quotes about sex



"It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

"If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
Steve Martin

"My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
Emo Philips

"When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."
Mae West

"What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap."
James Agate

"I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
Elton John

"My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."
Les Dawson

"I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
Woody Allen

"A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."
Phyllis Diller

"The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage."
Will Cuppy

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
Woody Allen

"My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
Joan Rivers

"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
Marylyn Monroe

"Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet."
St Augustine

"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."
Honore de Balzac

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
Woody Allen

"Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."
Bob Hope

"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Bernard Manning

"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
Joan Rivers

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
Groucho Marx

"She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested."
James Thurber

"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
Emo Philips

"It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
Winston Churchill

"You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
Somerset Maugham

"A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
Mignon McLaughlin

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
Woody Allen

"When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
Matt Groening

"If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."
Woody Allen

"Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
Joan Rivers

"There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
PJ O'Rourke

"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."
Ken Hammond

"Sex is God's joke on human beings."
Bette Davis

"Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet."
Taki

"There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."
George Burns

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Emo Philips

"I am always looking for meaningful one night stands."
Dudley Moore

"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."
Woody Allen

"Sex is the invention of a very clever venereal disease."
David Cronenberg

"Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
Steve Martin

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis

"My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'."
Ruby Wax

"I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."
Joan Rivers

"Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."
Andy Gibb

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
Edgar Wallace

"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
Emo Philips

"I would read Playboy magazine more often, but my glasses keep steaming over."
George Burns

"I know nothing about sex because I was always married."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."
Milton Berle

"I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy."
Frank Carson

[corfy]

An old American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport.

"You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.

The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

"I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there were no Frenchmen on the beach.

[redbear]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but
nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter
requesting the $100.00

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA,
they decided to send it to the President. The President was so
amused that He instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
the President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
write a thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very Much for sending the money.
however, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.”

[corfy]

Originally posted by radstar
A Dog Named Sex

Personally, I always wanted a dog named "Death." Then I could snatch things from the jaws of Death. I could post a sign saying "Death will come to whomever enters here." I could command Death. I can start every morning by looking Death in the face. I could laugh at Death. I could be licked in the face by Death. I could have Death attack people.

Of course, in order for this to really work, it would have to be an extremely friendly and upbeat dog. Just for the humor factor. Calling a Rotweiller or a pitbull "Death" is just too obvious. I know of a beagle that would be a good candidate, though.

[radstar]

hehe.... would ya like to play w/ death? :huh: :) :P

or run around the neighborhood yelling "I can't find Death!!!"

[corfy]

Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Nissan 350-Z was the car to get.

So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 350-Z, but he wants it repainted '350-S'.

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by they'd say......

........"Wow! Look at that S-car go!" :P

[radstar]

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?

A. Three...the rest are all true.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?

Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

A: Their personalities.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’

So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”

The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A snake and a lawyer both got hit by a car. What's the difference between em?

The snake had skid marks in front of him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?

Pollution.

What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?

Solution.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[Shelly]

Have to love those things people said in court. Brillant!

[Kn'thrak]

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ***, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes getting dressed.

[redbear]

SERVICE ...




At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the
meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for
other people. Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Civil Service

Service Stations

Customer Service

City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not
what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of
them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of
his cows.





SHAZAM!!

It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all
those "service" agencies are doing to us...

[Shelly]

Sure lots of people have seen this before, but its good to share a smile.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee .


(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M..G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)



A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes.... lucky pig... can you imagine??)



The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)



Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)



Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

[redbear]

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

[redbear]

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...

on the couch...

naked.

[redbear]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

[redbear]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking
lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles,
the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the
horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out
of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[redbear]

Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."

[radstar]

Marriage in the Animal World

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=49802">

:P

[radstar]

this is a real picture!!
from a German parade... hehe

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=49808">

if you can't tell.... that's supposed to be Bill Clinton but i'm sure you can tell just by looking at the hands. :P

[redbear]

Ever wondered where the characters go when you use your backspace or delete key on your PC while you type?

Characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

[carl]

Kevin Spacey, George Bush, The Pope and a 10 year old boy are all on a plane together. The plane starts to suffer engine trouble and is about to crash into the mountains but unfortunately there's only 3 parachutes.

Kevin Spacey steps forward. "I am the worlds greatest actor. It would be a crime to deny the movie world my talents so I should live on." So he grabs a pack and jumps out.

George Bush steps up. "I am the most intelligent president in history. america needs my guidence so I should live on." So he grabs a pack and jumps out.

The pope steps up. "Son" he says to the kid. "I have lived a long and good life. It's about time for my time to come, you should take the parachute."
The boy replies. "Don't worry father, history's most intelligent president just jumped out of a plane with my satchel!"

[radstar]

i swear it's not mine baby....
i received this freakin ad in my email :rolleyes:
<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=50662">

[Gaumont]

<strong>Stonecutter's Song</strong>
Who control's the british pound?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!

Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg, a star?
We do! We do!

Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every oscar night?
We do! We do!

[Gaumont]

<strong>JOB REJECTION</strong>
Dear Sir:
A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we have not heard back from you that you completely understand that you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and never will be.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by now we would have been forced to let you go.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains you want in your new office . . . . Wait, we made a mistake. You're the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and send this letter to you anyway.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had a job? Just curious.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
As you may have read in the newspaper, our company has been crippled by a union strike, and we have had to call in outside, freelance help, for which we are paying many times the normal salary. We just thought you should know that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
It has come to our attention that an employee in our department has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut." (Some of us think he said "like a peanut," but most think he said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

[Gaumont]

<strong>50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator</strong>
1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'

4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: 'Noogie patrol coming!'

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go 'plink' at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

18. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go’ then sigh and say 'oops!'

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say 'mmmm...tasty!'

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask passengers getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'

[Gaumont]

<strong>50 Fun Things To Do At Wal*Mart</strong>

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to '10'.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, 'Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, 'Who BUYS this crap, anyway?'

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewellery department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a 'test drive.'

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, looks mesmerized and say, 'Wow. Magic!'

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move 'Caution: Wet Floor' signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can 'catch' from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, '...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat cave!'

26. TeePee as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighbouring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell 'boobless' upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people just leave me alone?'

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, 'Red Rover!'

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., 'Do you have any Shnerples here?'

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly 'test' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission: Impossible.'

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, 'Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?'

41. Set up a 'Valet Parking' sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: 'Marco Polo.'

43. Leave Cheerio’s in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. 'Re-alphabetize' the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal position and scream,’ No, no! It's those voices again!'

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[Gaumont]

FDA warnings: Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer Brewers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

[radstar]

not a joke but i thought this wuz funny...
http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B00005R8BC.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg
reminds me of phoebe from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Gaumont]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[radstar]

Originally posted by Gaumont
NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

hehe you got this from a T-Shirt from Gadzooks, didn't ya? :P funny stuff

[radstar]

look at the banners for Gadzooks..... :P

http://www.gadzooksgirltools.com/wallpaper/gadzooks3.jpg
http://www.gadzooksgirltools.com/wallpaper/gadzooks4.jpg
http://www.gadzooksgirltools.com/wallpaper/gadzooks1.jpg

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by radstar
hehe you got this from a T-Shirt from Gadzooks, didn't ya? :P funny stuff

have no clue what Gadzooks is. Got it from a friend. =)

[radstar]

Originally posted by Gaumont
have no clue what Gadzooks is. Got it from a friend. =)

oh okay...
Gadzooks is a clothing store here in the US of A,
well at least in Texas :)
they have t-shirts w/ funny stuff on them

my fave is:
"It's only funny until someone gets hurt,
but then it's HILARIOUS!!!"

:) :)

[Gaumont]

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=51919">

[redbear]

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's *** came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's a$$.

And you thought being a horse's a$$ wasn't important

[trailergod]

Originally posted by Gaumont
These are actual excuse notes from parents
(Including original spelling)
Collected by Nisheeth Parekh
University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

---------------------------------

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fev er. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.


LOL !!!

[radstar]

BLONDES JOKE!!!! (gotta love them) :)

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been in a 747!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

How does a blonde turn the light on after having sex.

She kicks the car door open.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is a blonde's mating call?

''NEXT!''

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?

A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''

[trailergod]

Darn Crazy Kids

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old
man. The
young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair.
His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body
are
covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red,
yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you
looking
at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very
young
and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore
and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."


hehehehe

[radstar]

If Women Ruled The World!

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=54099">

[radstar]

If Women Ruled The World! Part 2

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=54100">

[radstar]

If Women Ruled The World! Part 3

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=54102">

[radstar]

If Women Ruled The World! Part 4

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=54103">

[Gaumont]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background check, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists .... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[redbear]

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is
"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

[redbear]

Jack and his friends were playing golf one Saturday. As they are getting ready to tee off, a guy walks up and asks if he can join them. The friends look at each other, look at the guy and say, 'Sure.' About two holes into the game, the friends get curious about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells them he's a hitman. They all laugh. The guy says, 'No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like.' So Jack decides to check it out. He opens the bag and, sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. Jack gets all excited and says, 'WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?' The hit man replies, 'Sure.' So Jack looks and says, 'YEAH! You can see my house! I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife. Wait, there's my next door neighbor! And he's naked too!' This really upsets Jack so he asks how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replies, 'I get $1000 every time I pull the trigger.' Jack responds, '$1000? Well, OK, I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for no going around with my wife.'

The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about five minutes until finally Jack starts to get really impatient and asks, 'What are you waiting for?

The hitman replies, 'Relax..... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks!'

[Gaumont]

the lightbulb one was really good

[chernabog_ca]

That light bulb one is hilarious

[chernabog_ca]

A Monk Story

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He
goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke
down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next
morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We
can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his
merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of
the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and even fix his
car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm *dying* to know. If the
only way can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how
do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and
tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of
sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have travelled the
earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now
show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says,
"The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob,
but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny may I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the
stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to
find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who
provide it. Behind that door is *another* door, this one made of
sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of
emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob,
and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange
sound.














But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

[Gaumont]

lol "Log-in"

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=57158">

[redbear]

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass
by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one
passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because
he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay
him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming
up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend
and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with
the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her
out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus
stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

[redbear]

It's the summer of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"
He says. "That's cool."
Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or
to a drive-in-movie.
Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "What?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "We know that Peggy Sue really likes to screw.
Why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear.
Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little
poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue
rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"dammit daddy, it's called the twist !! the twist !!!!"

[redbear]

A buddy of mine was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight
attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers
wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. My Buddy had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the man was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the
Pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in
Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind guy replied, "No thanks, but maybe the dog would like to
stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes,
but they were trying to change airlines!

[radstar]

here's a few funny pics...

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=58081">

[radstar]

#2
<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=58082">

[radstar]

#3

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=58083">

[radstar]

#4

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=58084">

[radstar]

#5 (last one)

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=58085">

[Gaumont]

First Person: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
Second Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
First Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
Second Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
First Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it in half."

[Gaumont]

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

[Gaumont]

Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and said to a secretary, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"

"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, he took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

[radstar]

Originally posted by Gaumont
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

hehehehehehehehe..... :angel"

[Gaumont]

Tech Support: "Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes?"
Customer: "No, I only have 3 of them."

[Gaumont]

Customer: "I can't get into the database." I check the usual stuff, but it's all fine.

Tech Support: "Can you go and check if the server is working?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "What do you mean, 'no'?"

Customer: "No, I can't do that."

Tech Support: "Why not?"

Customer: "Well, it's not there."

Tech Support: "It's WHAT?"

Customer: "They took it away to be upgraded."

[corfy]

An office worker was leaving the office for the day when he saw his boss standing next to the paper shredder.

"Can you help me?" the boss asked. "This is a very important and sensitive document and I don't know how to run the machine."

The office worker showed the boss how to put the paper in and where to press the button, and a grinding noise was immediately heard as the paper dissappeared into the machine.

"Excellent," the boss said. "Now I just need five copies."

[Gaumont]

Fact: Boston Computer Museum sells chocolate bars shaped like floppy disks.

Fact: Three year old kids see daddy boot his computer using a floppy to play games.

Fact: Computers are warm inside...even some quite expensive computers.

I don't want to talk about it.

[Gaumont]

Customer: "I bought the Internet the other day, and it ain't workin'."

Tech Support: "Well, ma'am, can you explain what's happening?"

Customer: "Well, I called that number that you gave me, and it don't do nothing."

Tech Support: "What do you mean?"
Customer: "When I call it, all it does is squeal in my ear!"

Silence.

Tech Support: "Ma'am, do you have a computer?"

Customer: "Computer? Hell, I pay you twenty dollars a month! I don't need a computer!"

[Gaumont]

Her: (exasperated) "I'm sure it's the correct password. I typed in the one I saw (another co-worker) use to login to her machine."

Me: "And what password was that?"

Her: "Five asterisks."

[Gaumont]

Tech Support: "Well, let me look up your account information to make sure we have the correct password."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Hmmm...let's re-enter your password."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "All right. Your password is 'XYZ123'."

Customer: "Oh, that's what I have written down, but that's not not what I put in."

Tech Support: "What did you put in?"

Customer: "'FURBY'."

Tech Support: "Why did you do that?"

Customer: "Because I didn't like yours."

[radstar]

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

· What is his profit?


Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

· What is his profit?


Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M."

· Represent the set "C" as the subset of set M and answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?


Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

· Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.

· What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.


Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.

· How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?


Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de productiones.....

[felix]

A man sat playing chess with a dog in a pub. A stranger came in and sat down and in amazement watched them playing. When they had finished the game he came over. "I'm a movie producer," he explained as he introduced himself. "Your dog could make a fortune in Hollywood." The man just shrugged. "He's not that clever," he said dismissively. "I've just beaten him three times in the last four games."

[felix]

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

[felix]

Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill (with a chuckle): "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number." So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "Thank you, Bill.....and now I know how you chose the name ..... Microsoft."

[felix]

http://www.metta.org.uk/light/Joke_1.htm

[felix]

not quite a joke but it's wicked fa a while.....<p><a href="http://www.mackers.com/alig/" target="_blank"><img align="left" src="http://www.mackers.com/alig/alig.gif" width="137" height=365" border="0" alt="Da Ali G Translator"><font size="6" color="blue">let it rip on Mr G</a>

[radstar]

WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS : Watch your dog

Dogs are being picked off one at a time.
They are falling in great numbers.
Deputies advise all dog owners to "Watch your dog"

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=60483">

[redbear]

This will warm your heart. Just when you've lost faith in human kindness
someone, who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded
the following letter as a reminder to keep hope alive. The letter was sent
to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and
was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for
the Aged and Disabled. I would rather live in my own home. But, all my
family has passed away and Social Security gives all my money except for $30
a month to the nursing 'home'...and from that I must pay for my own
toothpaste and incidentals. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old
forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a
lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I said. "f--- you!"

Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna Mae Rampart

[redbear]

look...they found Nemo....

http://rwittschen.com/temp_stuff/nemo.jpg

[radstar]

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=61622">

:whistle:

[redbear]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Sh*t."

[redbear]

The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a
while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one
of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some
bird ****."
"It was my first day with the hook."

[redbear]

Pick a SLOGAN for '04!



Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!

Bush/Cheney '04: "You're either with us or against us!"

BU__SH__! in '04

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!

Bush/Cheney '04: Get used to it!

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Or else.

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The economy's stupid!

Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.

Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!

Bush/Cheney: 1984

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Don't think. Vote Bush!

George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency

George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot

George W. Bush: Leadership without a doubt

George W. Bush: The buck stops over there

God Save the King!

Let them eat yellowcake! Vote Bush!

Peace & Prosperity Suck -- ReElect Bush

Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"

Vote Bush in '04: "Because I'm the President, that's why!"

Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier

Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!

Vote for George & You Get Dick!



And the list could go on and on...

[redbear]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing
day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur
Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute
plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling
tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time
of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so
on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiarritual, he went
and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom
for
a long hot soak-pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little
and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent
naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

At which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For
crying out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"

[redbear]

The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice
of your husband to buy you that new car," said a
friend.

"Nice nothing! He had to," explained the woman. "I
caught him in bed with the maid."

"Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, ympathetically.
"Well, did you fire her?"

"Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits
to go with the car!"[/

[redbear]

DECISION TIME

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

[Gaumont]

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than
light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

[redbear]

Are you bald?
Are you ugly?
Are you short?
Are you sick?
Are you stupid?
Do ladies call you macho or jerk?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60?
Have ladies lost interest in you?
Do not despair!
Now there is a new "Male Beauty Product" on the market..
This is such a revolutionary product that it gives fast and effective results instantly...
If you purchase this product, and use it even only once or twice ... you will see that
even the most beautiful and sexy ladies will not be able to resist your charms.
This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market and is available in select stores now.
Just take a look and convince yourself.

[redbear]

This is perhaps one of the strangest optical illusions I think I've ever seen. The image is not moving at all. It only seems to move whenever you move your center of vision. Too bizarre.

Enjoy, and don't forget to take a pill for motion sickness,

check this out !!!! (http://www.rwittschen.com/temp_stuff/crazy1.jpg)

[Gaumont]

the one above (RedBears)
<img src="http://www.rwittschen.com/temp_stuff/crazy1.jpg" height="480" width="640">

[Gaumont]

Good Translation!
<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=62663">

[carl]

1. You can name everyone you graduated with.


2. You know what 4-H is.


3. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could
always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the weeds when the party was busted, see #6.


4. You used to "drag" Main.


5. You said a bad word and your parents knew within the hour.


6. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.


7. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were
old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).


8. When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still have to go out
into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.


9. You knew which section of ditch to find the beer your buyer dropped off.


10. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.


11. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.


12. You don't give directions by street names, but by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east to Anderson's and its four houses left of the track field.


13. The golf course had only 9 holes.


14. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.


15. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

16. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but it is actually just like your town.


17. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich" people.

18. The people in the "big city" dress funny then you pick up the trend 2 years later.

19. Anyone you want can be found and the local gas station or the town pub.


20. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of you friends drives a
grain truck to school occasionally.

21. The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.


22. Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.


23. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride
somewhere.


24. Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.


25. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.


26. You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without any ID.


27. The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or more).


28. The closest mall is over an hour away.


29. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower. (just hope it isn't your
father!!)


30. You've peed in a cornfield.


31. Most people go by a nickname.


32. You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is all true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town (because you know them all)!!

[carl]

SPEEDING ALONG

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks
to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns
on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies;
two in the front seat and three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as
ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the
speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask...
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven'tmuttered a single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route119...

[redbear]

A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.
He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree
and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The
trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when
the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you
slap on the handcuffs."

"Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

"IF I fall out of the tree before the gorilla. Shoot the Chihuahua."

[renegade]

<img src="http://www.lanoux.com/fark/f7.jpg">
<br><br><img src="http://holidaygallery.net/fark/maria.gif">

[Gaumont]

There Are Only Two Types Of Ships: Submarines and Targets.

[aS!Dz]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

[aS!Dz]

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!

So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.

I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

HIS STORY:

Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

[redbear]

10 Things I have learned from my children....


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.





25.60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

[redbear]

<embed width="330" height="260" src="http://student.thu.edu.tw/~s892854/fahrschule.swf">

->: URL to DL swf file:
http://student.thu.edu.tw/~s892854/fahrschule.swf

[Gaumont]

If planes could talk:
------------------------------------

F-15: "Iam better than you"

F-14: "does anyone have any jumper cables?"

B-52: "Please let me die, why do you keep making me work, damn it just pull the plug."

F-5: "Why can't I have a frontline job too?"

F-18: "Wow, I get to carry two bombs today"

F-16: "five dollars on pump 7"

B-2: "Oh no! Is it raining?"

B-1: "Hey I got two engines working today, yeeha!"

F-18E:"slow and steady, wins the race, I think?....."

AV-8: "Look what I can do!"

F-117: "OK, I'll deliver the goods around back, don't worry, you won't even know Iam there."

F/A-22: "Which duma$$ put A in my title, I'll be damn if I drop the frist bomb."

C-130: "Helos, what good have they done for anyone."

CH-41: "Ha,I bet the C-130 can't land here."

KC-135:"This job sucks."

A-10: "Iam hungry"

C-141:"Why can't the C-17 do it?"

S-3: "Why am I here again?"

P-3: "Why am I here again?"

E-3: "I see you........"

A-4: "Some day I gonna eat all my spiniach and become all big and strong."

Mirage 2000: "Ooo girl, you look great in that dress, if I was straight I'd be all over you."

V-22 Osprey: "I'm confused..." or "You want me to do WHAT !!??"

[aS!Dz]

(i love that driving lesson thing from red bear...ive played that a numerous amount of times...love it)

[aS!Dz]

WASTED PUSSY

http://www.1worldofjokes.com/Pics/wastedpussy.jpg

[aS!Dz]

http://www.1worldofjokes.com/Pics/crash.gif

[aS!Dz]

http://www.1worldofjokes.com/Pics/pat.gif

[aS!Dz]

http://www.1worldofjokes.com/Animated%20GIF's/SafeSex.gif

Now thats what u call safe sex

[aS!Dz]

Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After
a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have
on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a
few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob from next
door" she replies. "Oh good" the husband says, "did he
say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your stakeholders,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side
of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which
she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
had a look and nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up
her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival
at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible
and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the Story: Always be well informed in your
job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of
smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care
in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales
rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina
coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first
say.

Corporate Lesson 4
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in
Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls
reduce in size.

[aS!Dz]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new
method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and
she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast
3-5,3-5,3-5...

[radstar]

o...m...g!!!!!!!

[aS!Dz]

WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES


1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and
width,thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with groundowner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership
standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping
ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never
mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling
the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the
back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to
the
goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the
pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent
goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can
sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as
often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two
evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a
month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually
asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being
allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at
least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better
facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

[carl]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ***!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone a! sks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

[radstar]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

some people don't hear or understand me when i ask, but when i point at my wrist, they know what i'm asking. so instead of looking dumb and asking "HuH?" they'll go, "Oh, the time is..."

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

I want to find the remote and sit on my chair so I don't have to keep getting up and changing the channel on the TV. I would GO to the TV if i wanted to watch just one channel... :P

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

I'm not a big fan of cake, but I like to look at it and see how pretty it is. Don't worry, I do like cakes. It just depends on the taste. But I rather just look at them and enjoy the sight. :)

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ***!

I don't say that and I don't know anyone who have ever said it.... :huh:

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

I only ask that outside of the movie, not during.....

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

It's a polite thing to do. Just so someone can prepare and know that there is a question coming up....

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

It's actually both. When you get something new and improved, then you had a similiar thing before it. It's new because you just bought it, and it's improved or else why would you buy it?

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

I can't believe i wuz 14 years old 7 years old! Life is short, dude!

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone a! sks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

I could be waiting to cross the street OR i could just be standing there watching the cars pass me by...



What annoys me:
Cars scoot up at the red light... like Adam Sandler said, "Ooh! Thanks for scooting up! Now I have time for donuts and coffee!"

Baby strollers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhh

:P :P

[felix]

Before clicking the link below

Dim the lights.

Make sure you are sitting Comfortably.

Turn up the sound.


CLICK HERE (http://cynisk.net/whatswrong.swf/whatswrong.swf) and stare at the picture on the wall..and wait for someting scary!

[aS!Dz]

(1) A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up... There was a leper painting the ceiling.



(2) An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[redbear]

An old farmer in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he
came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm
every time.

[redbear]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
of to clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched
arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Gaumont]

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while...

.... your spouse/shopping partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible"

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here"

[trailergod]

Winning insecticide print ad......

:big grin:

<IMG SRC="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=69671">

[radstar]

hehe... make sure you go from left to right and top to bottom :D
<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=70303">

[aS!Dz]

http://20six.co.uk/pub/Skidz/MEEEE.jpg

[Gaumont]

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=71045">

From Comics.com (http://www.comics.com)

[Gaumont]

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=71594">

[Jedi Master]

http://imgsrv.fun4fun.com/public_html/Binnes/23122003/images/f18.jpg

http://imgsrv.fun4fun.com/public_html/Binnes/23122003/images/f36.jpg

http://imgsrv.fun4fun.com/public_html/Binnes/23122003/images/f40.jpg

http://imgsrv.fun4fun.com/public_html/Binnes/23122003/images/f53.jpg

http://imgsrv.fun4fun.com/public_html/Binnes/18122003/images/f31.jpg

http://imgsrv.fun4fun.com/public_html/Binnes/18122003/images/f58.jpg

[SharkmanSIX]

Im not good with jokes :s so Ill just go with an easy one

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesnt matter what you call it, its not coming.

[carl]

Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land.
The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and
he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride,
"Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute
he swerves and pulls back up. "Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST
runway I have ever seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?"
But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the
same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going
to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and
hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed
this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one
could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"

[Jake]

Some of this stuff is sooooooooo funny, keeping this thread alive



Only in America......do drugstores make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.




Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.




Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.




Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.




Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.




Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.




Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.




EVER WONDER ....




Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?




Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?




Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?




Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?




Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?




Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?




Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?




Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?




Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?




Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?




Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?




You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!




Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?




Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?




If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?




If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
:big grin: :P :D :big grin:

[SharkmanSIX]

MEXICAN JOKES! No offence to the Mexicans, I apologize if your offended, its all in good fun any how. And apologies if this has already been done.

How do you find the population of Mexico?
Throw a penny down the street.

How do you find the richest person in Mexico?
See who got the penny.

How do you kill a Mexican?
Throw a Penny off a Cliff

How do you kill another?
Say no one got it.

I dunno whats with Mexicans and pennies but it makes me laugh. Hehe.... Mexicans....

[SharkmanSIX]

Ok this is a true story which happened to me last year.
Im coming home from a hard day, I call home on my cell to leave a message for my wife for when she gets home from work. So I call home and wait for the machine but then someone picks up, and its this teenagers voice and he says "Hello?" So I think this is the wrong number so I try again, but its the same kid so I ask if my wifes there, he says "Not at the moment"
"Well then is Kyle (my wifes brother) there?"
Not at the moment.
So then I catch on to whats happening cause I hear other teenage boys in the back round so then I ask "Is my TV there" and he replies "Not at the moment"

[aS!Dz]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/howtoprint.jpg

[SharkmanSIX]

Man walks into a bar....
Ouch.

[SharkmanSIX]

http://screams5.tripod.com/cop30.jpg
This problem occurs alot here.

[redbear]

Canada busy sending back Bush-dodgers (Headline in the Columbus Dispatch on 11/16/04)

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is
prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon
be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border
farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a
chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much
they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,
though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.

In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to
posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised
in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses
and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get
suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating and organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"

In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The
president is determined to reach out."

[Charismaslover]

In the outskirts of Glasgow (scotland) two families are in court. There was an uproar at a wedding.
The best man explains, "it is customary for the best man to have the first dance with the wife where we live, and the music never seemed to stop, so what we thought was the first dance then became the second and third, and then the groom jumped over the table, ran upto his wife and kicked her in the privates"

The judge says, "That must have hurt"

The best man then says "Damn right, broke two of my fingers"

[aS!Dz]

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
------------
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
-------------
A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
--------------
Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

[redbear]

...She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."


...The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

http://www.rwittschen.com/forum/images/smiles/sick.gif eewwww...thanks for the visuals.

[aS!Dz]

http://www.rwittschen.com/forum/images/smiles/sick.gif eewwww...thanks for the visuals.

lolz!!! :D :ninja:

[redbear]

Axis of Evil Wannabees

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be "more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis" President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having,"for starters, a really dumb name". "Right. As if they are just as evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils? eh evilest? that we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, Although they conceded they had asked if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia And Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just GenerallyDisagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just Something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.


While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Norguay denied the charges. Norguays king Harald can't understand the rejection "I filled out the application myself".

[redbear]

Never Lie to Girls

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the
guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you
do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

[redbear]

Police Must Notify Residents When Catholic Church Moves into Neighborhood...

Controversial "Egan's Law" Expected to Gain Widespread Support

Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their neighborhood.


New Jersey State Senate debating Egan's Law
The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with authorities, wear electronic monitoring devices, and be prohibited from moving to within a half-mile radius of a school.

A follow-up to Megan's Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the so-called "Egan's Law" is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of New York and Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused of covering up sexual abuse by priests under their authority. Like Megan's Law, Egan's Law is expected to spread quickly to other states, but for parents in towns across New Jersey, it's on the books none too soon.

"Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in our neighborhood for 30 years! And nobody told us!" said Ruth Harper of Redbrook, N.J. "My sons used to walk by that church every day on their way to school. Even now I shudder to think of what might have happened."

"I always told my kids to steer clear of that place," added neighbor Scott Carlyle. "But that's because there were a lot of strange people going in and out at odd hours, even at midnight on Saturdays. I was worried it was some kind of druggie hangout.

"To think the whole time it was a Roman Catholic Church. Now I know why they had all those stained glass windows —. so nobody could look in."


Critics, however, charge that Egan's Law is unconstitutional, specifically because it relies on religious profiling and is intended to safeguard only one segment of the population: young males. But State Sen. Carmela Truto, a Catholic who co-sponsored the bill, used church doctrine itself to prove only one segment needs protection.

"In the Catholic Church, after 2,000 years, Mary is still a Virgin," she said. "So clearly, they're not interested in girls."

That statement, however, angered Vatican spokesman Edgar Palowski, who said it propagated a common misconception about the church. "This doesn't get reported enough," he said, "but it's a fact that our priests abuse just as many girls as boys."

"Oh. Oh dear..." he added.

[Charismaslover]

Police Chase


Keith bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed
it up to 150km/h and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning)
hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a Police car following
him.

"Problem!" thought Keith and he floored it some more and flew down the road
at over 210km/h to escape being stopped.

He then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing." and pulled over to the side of the road and waited
for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Police Officer pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's
side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can
give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Police Officer and said, "Last week my wife ran
off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Officer said, "Have a nice day."

[Jedi Master]

he he even me a Star Wars freek would never go this far...

http://binnes.funhumour.com/images_visiteurs/1415.jpeg

[redbear]

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man
to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails,"
"highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of "Mount and Do!"

[SharkmanSIX]

What do you call a man who spends his day with his hand up a horses ***?

An Amish mechanic!

(Even found a picture to match it! Gotta love google.)
http://www.jokesnfun.com/cartoons/228.jpg

[redbear]

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is buy cigars cruise around and bullshit with his pals,
while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend
to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!
:D

[redbear]

A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord", he began,
with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "

He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter
(who was listening) leaned over to me and asked quite loudly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[redbear]

Medical Investigation . . .

A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange
development recently to the inside of her thighs...a green spot on the inside of
each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting
worse.


The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she
needn't worry until tests come back.


He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to
her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on
with these spots?


"You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is
your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.


"Yes--how did you know?"




"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[redbear]

i wonder if they were....????

[Jedi Master]

ah ah ah ah

[redbear]

The Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get
points. Do something she dislikes, and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system

=============================
SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative
pillow. (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is
nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is
something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-25)

=============================
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to
chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)

=============================
HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner. (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports
bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and
your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

=============================
A NIGHT OUT:

You take her to a movie. (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "DeathCop". (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans that was featured
on "Oprah". (-15)

=============================
YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to
get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to
baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."
(-10,000)

=============================
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

=============================
COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you
listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression. (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without
looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen
asleep. (-5,000)

[redbear]

Job Application Question


A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down
to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying
on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.

[redbear]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[redbear]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[redbear]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

[redbear]

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

The officer let him go without even a warning.

[Gaumont]

25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages car pooling.
9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language

[j7wild]

Man!!

There are some funny s*** in here!!

:)

[Gaumont]

When the Tele-marketer calls


1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about our problems.

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give you credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... louder...

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

[j7wild]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was....... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"