WorkShed's Top Five Lists

[WorkShed]

Ever felt screwed by a Hollywood film? This is the list for you!


5. Spawn



From the studio that made two kick *** Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movies, New Line thought they could catch that genie in the bottle again by making another film based on a cult favorite comic book. However, the dark nature of McFarlane’s tale is dumbed down and pre-packaged like Oscar-Meyer bologna. What’s worse is that it was even rated PG-13 in order to reach a wider audience. WRONG! Where the HBO animated series got mostly right, the live action film almost works the hardest to fail. Where’s the cape? Why would Spawn need guns? If Martin Sheen is going to kill everyone, then who would buy his medicine? It doesn’t make sense. The only thing that is done right is Clown. God, I hated that man. Just like I should. However, he did get a little too much screen time. He’s better off in the shadows, making his manipulative jabs at Spawn, but when he shoots rockets from the back of a sludge tanker screaming, “See you at Wanda’s” things go wrong. The horrid computer graphics don’t help matters, either. Thanks to this film, a good quality live action Spawn film is almost sure to never happen.


4. Highlander: Endgame



Here’s a case of the worst bait-and-switch. During the theatrical trailer run of the film, Dimension placed some unique special effects shots detailing an effects heavy final battle between the villain and the two MacLeods. However, things don’t go down like that. Not only are the effects NOT in the film, but with the storyline, there’s no way they could have EVER been in the film. After the film premiered, Dimension ponied up the fact that they had shot effects footage in order to sweeten the look of the film in its advertising agenda. There’s a term for that “bait and switch” and it’s illegal in business. Why Dimension didn’t see some lawsuit for this one is almost beyond me. Not until the release of Sin City did Dimension Films get off “Untrustable List.” It also didn’t help that I went to see this for my 16th birthday gift. What a horrible day. Dimension added more to the wound through its DVD, which was billed as an all new director’s cut. However, this better version only offered slightly enhanced visual effects and a tacky ending.


3. Alien 3



Another bait-and-switch! After promising an Earth-based adventure in the teasers, 20th Century Fox not only lies to its audience, but it pulled the film from its director, David Fincher, and cut it to worthless mass. Sure it didn’t help that the only other survivors from Aliens meet an unworthy end (which wasn’t in the original script). However, upon finally seeing a more complete version in the recent Alien Quadrilogy DVD box set, one gets the chance to see where Fincher was going. It’s still not a true director’s cut, but it is far beyond the edition that Fox sent out to theaters. Far better than Alien: Resurrection. Ugh, what a film.

2. Batman & Robin



Nipples on the bat suit. The script. The production design of a toy commercial. The script. Alicia Silverstone. The script. Arnold giving his worst performance since Junior. The script. A mentally handicapped Bane. The script. A pre-Soderbergized Clooney. Did I mention the script? However, there are only two things in this film that keep this from being the worst mistake in Hollywood history. 1) Uma Thurman. Without the sound on (so you can’t hear the dribble she is saying), she makes the perfect Poison Ivy. She stands side-by-side with Batman Returns’s Catwoman. 2) John “The Man” Glover. This guy is a God. I love his scene with Uma Thurman with the first poison kiss. The man can sell any script (for more, see Gremlins 2: The New Batch. You’ll know what I mean.) and sell it with a smile. Besides that, he fights for Alzheimer’s patients with his charity functions. Glover is the shining star on the film and it’s too bad that he is removed so quickly. I would have preferred him over Bane. Hell, he would have made a better Batman! Even with the nipples!

1. Star Wars



Unlike the other films, this mistake works in the audience’s favor. I’m talking about the contract made between Lucas and Fox during the production of the original Star Wars where Lucas got all the rights to merchandizing and sequels. There must have been much crying over the massive loss of profits at Fox when Star Wars became the film series of the next three decades! Without this monumental legal banana peel, we would have never had the greatness of The Empire Strikes Back. Hell, Fox may have never let Lucas have Vader be Luke’s father! Who knows what could have happened.

[WorkShed]

To go off of Granite's list of December Movies (US release)-

Dec 2 - Aeon Flux (No way)
Dec 9th - Narnia (looks far too polished to be that good. Good films have a dirty look to them. It needs the details. Look at Lord of the Rings. That looks like a real world. It doesn't help that the CG looks atrocious.)
Dec 14th - King Kong
Dec 16th - The Producers (I'll probably catch it on video, but I am looking forward to seeing it)
Dec 21st - Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (go golden raspberrys!) and Fun with Dick and Jane (I think you already got it)
Dec 23rd - Munich (meh) and Memoirs of a Geisha (Going off my working on the details remark for Narnia, some Chinese were cast as Japanese. It's like hiring an Austrailian to play a US plantation owner during the Revolutionary War period film The Patriot... oh wait...)--> Probably the two most oscar worthy films of the month (we'll see)
Dec 25th - The New World (Again, no way)

[WorkShed]

Planning on a monster movie marathon to ring in the New Year? Follow this prescription and call me in the morning!

5. Gremlins



What a way to kick start a monster movie fest than with a film that is not only has some good scares, but hilarious as well?! It even has “The Judge” Reinhold and Phoebe Cates in it. This is the movie to open the holiday season. It also contains Howie Long’s only good role to date: the voice of the lovable Gizmo. This mess of wires and fur was very technological at the time… and an obvious homage to Yoda. While the effects were improved greatly for its sequel, the story in the first film is good ol’ classic monster movie fun, even if the rules for the gremlins don’t really make any sense. 1) Keep out of direct sunlight (okay, that one’s fine). 2) Never feed them after midnight (or they’ll get heartburn? Plus, it’s always midnight somewhere, which was tackled in the sequel). 3) Never get them wet (all living things have water in them, but okay, I won’t get them wet, they’ll just stink up the place. Do Wet Ones count?).


4. Jurassic Park



It took me three times before I could see this film all the way through in the theater. Granted, I was in the third grade at the time, so a little slack can be cut my way. However, beyond the rest of the monster movies made recently, none come close to the majesty contained behind its giant gates. This was the first time that dinosaurs were presented on film that actually looked like living, breathing dinosaurs. They weren’t effects, they were alive and performing right in front of the camera. Through a good mixture of digital effects and animatronics, they inhabited the scenery and still hold up better than most effects made today. This is the first time that CG looked real and, in my opinion, the last time they’ve looked truly real. The T-Rex is seen in the harshest light and, most important, there is no digital camerawork that is so flashy that it doesn’t look like it couldn’t be shot by a person. For a big monster movie, this film holds back the flashy look. It’s real. It’s dirty. It’s far better than its sequels.


3. Alien



The granddaddy of modern monster movies! While the total film isn’t as good as its sequel, the presence of the monster is so puzzling and so frightening that it can’t be surpassed by the other films in its series (especially AVP, but that doesn’t really count). Ridley Scott makes note of the film being more in tune with a haunted house than a monster movie, but for a haunted house, it’s got an amazing monster! With an amazing design by Giger, acid for blood, and a giant thin man in the suit, the monster looks truly otherworldly. I can understand why so many people are afraid of it. Poor Kane and his last supper. I still think that that scene would be great for a Rolaids commercial, yet they never go for it.


2. Jaws



You can’t mention Jurassic Park and completely forget the main monster Spielberg opera that is Jaws. With a trio of men, out hunting for a monster shark, the audience is invested 100%. The subtlety to the horror of the opening helps sell the film as real. It’s not overdone. This is also a very harsh film, which breaks the rules very early on. In the second attack scene of the film, first a dog is killed (which occurs off camera). However, Spielberg follows up the dread of that appetizer attack with the main course! On camera, is a brutal attack on a young boy. On a PG movie! Of course, this film came out before PG-13, but Psycho is still rated R and doesn’t have anything this gory in it. We have empty eye sockets, floating heads, multiple shark chompings, and bloody remains of two sharks. Plus, an ending that makes you stand up and cheer. It’s written well, it’s acted amazingly, and it is still Spielberg at his best. Forget War of the Worlds, this is the one to watch again and again and again…


1. King Kong



For a film that came out in 1933, this is one brutal film! We get a bloodthirsty brontosaurus that throws around sailors like rag dolls (probably because they were actually rag dolls, you’ll know what I mean), kidnap-happy natives, a charging stegosaurus, a snake creature, a pterodactyl, a T-Rex thrown in for good measure, a two-legged hissing lizard, and Kong. Of course, Kong takes the cake, brutally murdering dozens of people ON CAMERA. This film was so violent, that it was mercilessly cut for American audiences and not until the recent DVD were these scenes restored for all to see. This Kong isn’t the lovable scamp that looks to be gracing the screen in for the 2005 remake. This Kong is a brutal monster that will kill you just because he wants to see what your face looks like when your jaw is broken. He doesn’t love Ann Darrow, he keeps her as a prize. Ann Darrow doesn’t love him, she screams every time he gets closer to her. This is not the relationship seen in the remakes. This is down and dirty. While the film is marred by 1933 racism (“the crazy black men” referring to the natives that actually should have been Asian given the location of the island and the Asian cook who talks only in Asian stereotypes) and a lack of a good script with believable characters (“well, I guess I love you” comes to mind), it is really the monsters that take front and center. A perfect ending to a killer monster movie marathon.

[WorkShed]

Here’s the films and performances that surprised me most of 2005. I expected them to all to fail, but they have all performed well above all my expectations.

5. The Devil’s Rejects – Rob Zombie



After his first film, House Of A 1,000 Corpses, officially ruined my day a year ago, I had little hope for his follow-up film, using many of the same characters from the first film. While Corpses stole every scene from far better films, The Devil’s Rejects comes up with an interesting story that doesn’t seem as obviously lifted. Of course it has to be in some parts but not as obviously. The script is polished and doesn’t falter as much. The visuals are not only great, but are often brilliant. The last few minutes of the film stick with you, pushing you to watch the film. It’s a fun ride in a film dealing with deplorable characters and torturous situations. However, Zombie makes you love the characters even when you hate what they do. He simultaneously pushes the audience into wishing for their escape while wanting their death. Bill Mosely steals the show and is the bona-fide star as the realistic psychopath, Otis. Sid Haig outdoes the work in the first film and provides some heartbreaking moments. Even Sheri Moon manages to grow her character far beyond the limitations of the first film. The editing is wonderful, and Zombie makes a great decision involving the music of the film: he keeps his songs out of it. Using hits from Lynyrd Skynyrd and The Allman Brothers Band, Rejects sounds straight out of the 1970s. More Easy Rider than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Pure delight.


4. Sin City – Frank Miller, Robert Rodriguez, Mickey Rourke



How did this film work as well as it does? Take any of the above three away from the equation and Sin City would have been a massive failure. The use of Frank Miller’s original script and using his artwork as the storyboard design is key in the successful look of the film. It’s strikingly original visual use of black and white is effectively utilized, rendering a living version of a Frank Miller comic book. Of course, without Robert Rodriguez’s readiness to push the boundaries of digital technology, the film would not be able to create the Miller look. Rodriguez’s faithfulness to the text and his belief in the work creates his arguably first major film. He’s arrived. Finally, it is Mickey Rourke that carries the first third of the film into the stratosphere. His laid back demeanor in Once Upon A Time In Mexico is once again utilized here but with better results. I missed the festival premiere of one of my short films to sit in the audience for opening night. One of the best movie-going experiences of my young life.


3. Batman Begins – Christopher Nolan



So much could have gone wrong. The suit looks funny. The batmobile is more like a bat-tank. Katie Holmes. At least there weren’t any nipples on the bat suit. That meant that the audience and the film was in much more capable hands than the last two Bat-films. While Christian Bale’s performance was serviceable in the Batman lore, it was Director Nolan’s vision of the film that placed it far and above most film adaptations of the story. It was a real film, far removed from the “Comic Book” label that had limited the Spider-Man films and the first X-Men. Nolan took the risk of hiring actors, not names, in the roles and it played out beautifully.


2. Crash – Paul Haggis



I missed this film while its run in the theatres but eagerly picked it up during its DVD release. While the script falters in points and its sole focus on race relations often limits the rich characters of the film, its pure energy is undeniable. It even allows Sandra Bullock something beyond her stalling career filled with Miss Congeniality sequels. The story of the locksmith and his little girl is by far the highlight of the film, but the intertwining interstitials rarely feel forced and often provide necessary backstory to another plot thread in a realistic and emotional fashion. A great use of an up-and-coming director with visuals to match his words.


1. Munich – Steven Spielberg



If you look at my other posts, I’ve made mention of how little I’ve expected out of Munich and Spielberg in general. I’m here to say that I am now eating my words. Spielberg’s secret film project has now been released and my faith in the director is fully restored. Despite the amazingly short production and the down-to-the-wire post-production deadlines, Munich raises far above the failures of his recent works and prove that he is the master of historical event films. While the final act of the film fails to carry the weight present in the first two acts, the film stays with you. It’s plea for peace that is relevant, worthy, and powerful.

[st39.6]

these posts seemed like u have nothin´ 2 do
however, I agree with almost everything. Except Wedding crashers, I really enjoyed it so much! I havent seen devils rejects yet

[WorkShed]

Well, considering there was over a month-long gap in between the last two columns, I've actually been very busy.

I just got back from a 4-week internship with a production house in Iowa called ScreenScape Studios. Check 'em out at www.screenscapestudios.com. Now, I'm back to working on my first feature-length screenplay, sending that out via my agent, and getting quickly to work on my second feature screenplay. Hopefully, I'm busy enough!

[st39.6]

Wow. Sound interesting. And who´s gonna make your screenplay become reality (hope Steven, or someone of these qualities)? Are they movie scr. or theatre screenplays? I didnt know U do such a thing...

[WorkShed]

Movie screenplays. Thanks for your interest!

I have a midwest agent (midwest as in midwest America) who works through an agency in New York City. She likes what I've written so far and wants to make a push on the major Hollywood studios, but I've kept an eye on Revolution Studios (Hellboy, xXx). We'll see what happens.

[st39.6]

woooow, that´s amazing! Well then I wish you very very good luck!
I guess U couldnt send me some of your stuff (even older, I´d just like to see some)...Dont be afraid, not gonna show 2 anyone
Or just say what you write about. Is drama, action, love story ...? I once tried 2 write something (just for myself ) but finished on the first page..lol
It really IS hard (I know some guys who tried to write some TV screenplay, but didnt succeed---and they WERE good----), so congratulations for such a succes!!

[WorkShed]

It's an action/horror flick. Trying to bring some cred to the horrific monster that has become of the vampire genre. I've gotten a couple of drafts done. It's my second year of working on it. I've made some short films, but this is by far my biggest project (not that I'll be producing it, just writing). I'm crossing my fingers for it. I might post a scene or something. We'll see...

[st39.6]

well we´ll keep waiting for that sceen than
once again: wish you very very good luck, I´ll check this movie when It´ll be in cinemas )))

[Maurice2029]

great top5 lists WorkShed! Keep on going with them! :-)

[WorkShed]

Sorry, it's been such a long time since I've posted one of these...

But I finally go a finished rewrite for my script and we're making a push really soon for it (fingers crossed!).

I'm going to write another Top Five list this weekend, but I have a few topics. Which one would you guys like to read first?


Top Five "Batman: The Animated Series" episodes
Top Five Moments In The Star Wars Trilogy
Top Five Moments Deleted From The Star Wars Trilogy in 1997
Top Five Video Games Based On Movies
Top Five Batman Films
Top Five Films Based On Comic Books Without Superheros


What'll you choose?

[st39.6]

SW MOMENTS, of course! May I ad mine than?

[htitos]

Top Five Films Based On Comic Books Without Superheros

This one sounds interesting.