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  1. #1
    j7wild Guest

    Question 50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex.

    I didn't write this, I found it on the net



    1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

    2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.

    3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.

    4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that ****. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.

    5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That **** is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

    6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.

    7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the **** that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.

    8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that ****, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.

    9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

    10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

    11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

    12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

    13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that **** if you want him to spend any time down there.

    14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

    15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.

    16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

    17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.

    18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

    19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

    20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

    21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

    22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

    23. Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

    24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.

    25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

    26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

    27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

    28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all ****ing surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

    29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big ****ing deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.

    30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.

    31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

    32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

    33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

    34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty **** you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

    35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

    36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

    37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.

    38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

    39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

    40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.

    41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

    42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

    43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

    44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

  2. #2
    j7wild Guest

    Exclamation

    45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

    46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

    47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really ****ing you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.

    48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

    49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

    50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.



    and here are

    Fifty Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex:

    1. can't think of one...


  3. #3
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    This is a brilliant piece of work. I think I'll paste this to door of the Women's Studies Department (yeah there's a ****ing DEPARTMENT) at school.

  4. #4
    j7wild Guest

    Unhappy

    Quote Originally Posted by Jake View Post
    This is a brilliant piece of work. I think I'll paste this to door of the Women's Studies Department (yeah there's a ****ing DEPARTMENT) at school.
    what kind of sissy Men take those courses?


  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by j7wild View Post
    what kind of sissy Men take those courses?
    [looking through a college transcript]
    Sydney Ellen Wade: Oh, Andy, a C- in Women's Studies.
    President Andrew Shepherd: Yeah, well, that course wasn't about what I thought it was going to be about.
    - The American President
    Corfy
    Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
    Website | DVD Collection

  6. #6
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    ...accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat.
    That must be some freaky stuff !

  7. #7
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    Was this written by a woman?
    I'm a mog, half man, half dog, I am my own best friend.

  8. #8
    j7wild Guest

    Exclamation

    Quote Originally Posted by Jax View Post
    Was this written by a woman?
    yes it was, surprising, isn't it?



    here's the source:

    http://tweekerchick.blogspot.com/2006/11/so.html

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by j7wild View Post
    Fifty Mistakes Men Make When Having Sex:

    1. can't think of one...

    Just say name of another woman and you'll taste the BIG mistake


  10. #10
    j7wild Guest

    Talking

    More Rules (are meant to be broken) I found on the Internet:



    WOMAN'S 50 RULES FOR MEN

    1. Call.
    2. Don't lie.
    3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
    4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
    5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the
    rules at the zoo, No Petting!
    6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?"
    is never, ever "Yes."
    7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
    8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
    9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
    10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
    11. "Honey" "Darling" and "Sweetheart" are good.
    "Nag" "Lardass" and "Bitch" are bad.
    12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
    13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
    14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better
    in bed.
    15. Her cooking is excellent.
    16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
    17. Dishsoap is your friend.
    18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and
    warm does not equal clean.
    19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
    20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never
    going to end that conversation.
    21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
    22. Two words: clean socks.
    23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're
    drunk.
    24. Burping is not sexy.
    25. You're wrong.
    26. You're sorry.
    27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool
    car than you think she is.
    28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
    29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single
    bound.
    30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
    31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
    32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
    33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she
    feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change
    without notice (... and that's NOT PMS)
    34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush.
    You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
    35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
    36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
    37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
    38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act
    like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
    39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
    40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
    41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
    42. Think boxers.
    43. Silk boxers.
    44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she
    so-names.
    45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
    46. Her haircut is never bad.
    47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
    48. Call... and call again.
    49. Don't lie.
    50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact
    that she has to go thru labor while you are sitting on your butt.




    Men's Rules for Women

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In response to the ABOVE "Woman's 50 Rules for Men"...

    Here are some rules for you women...

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

    2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

    3. Don't make us guess.

    4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

    6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

    7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

    8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

    9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

    11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

    12. You have enough clothes.

    13. You have too many shoes.

    14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

    15. Your brother is an idiot.

    16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

    17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.

    18. Share the bathroom.

    19. Share the closet.

    20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

    21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a quickie in the morning.

    23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

    24. Check your oil.

    25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.


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