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Thread: JOKES!!!

  1. #1
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    JOKES!!!

    After all war-threads, fights and such I think its time to make a joke thread. Perhaps we have had one before (but I dont remember anyone), but in that case lets just call this version 2 =)

    On the Counter-Strike forum I go to, we have one that we just keep filling. Its up to 916 replies now, and filled of funny jokes and pictures. So lets see if we cant beat that and make a super thread filled with jokes, to lighten the mood here =)

    I'll start with copying a few of them.



    ****************************************************

    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

    If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

    He proceeded to talk up a storm.


    Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

    9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his Donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, Thanks for the grub, yeah God."

    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

    ****************************************************

    This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95.
    Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

    CANADIANS - Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

    AMERICANS - Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

    CANADIANS- Negative. You will have to divert your course 15
    degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    AMERICANS - This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

    CANADIANS - Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

    AMERICANS - THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
    I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THATS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    CANADIANS - We are a lighthouse. Your call.

    ****************************************************

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she'd like to go out and have sex for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he'd never had sex before, so he makes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy; a 3 pack, a 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in.' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

    ****************************************************

    If Santa answered his mail honestly...
    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    Dear Santa
    I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
    Yer Frend,
    BiLLy

    Dear Billy,
    Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
    Santa

    ----------------

    Dear Santa,
    I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
    Love,
    Sarah

    Dear Sarah,
    You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
    Santa

    -----------------

    Dear Santa,
    I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
    Love,
    Teddy

    Dear Teddy,
    Look, ........your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
    Santa

    --------------

    Dear Santa,
    I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
    Love,
    Susan

    Dear Susan,
    Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
    Santa

    -----------------

    Dear Santa,
    What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
    Your friend,
    Thomas

    Dear Thomas,
    All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
    Santa

    -----------------

    Dear Santa,
    Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
    Love,
    Jessica

    Dear Jessica,
    Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
    Santa

    -----------------

    Dear Santa,
    I really really want a puppy this year Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
    Timmy

    Timmy,
    That whiney begging sh!t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
    Santa

    --------------------

    Dearest Santa,
    We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
    Love,
    Marky

    Mark,
    First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
    Sweet Dreams,
    Santa

    ****************************************************

    "You going to die, cowboy," says the Indian chief. "But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

    "I want to see my horse."

    The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the behind. The horse takes off.

    Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other figuring, typical white man can only think of one thing.

    The second day, the chief asks, "What your wish today?"

    "I want to see my horse again."

    The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ***.

    Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. Again, the Indians shake their heads figuring, typical white man going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.

    It is the final day. "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

    "I want to see my horse again."

    The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears and twists them, hard. "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!" he yells. "P-O-S-S-E!"
    "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan

  2. #2
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    and a few dirty ones =)



    Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
    So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

    He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!"

    The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you -
    I'm coming!"


    ****************************************************



    One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
    take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in
    hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
    constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill. The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

    ****************************************************

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  3. #3
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    How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has Gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

    7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

    8. Dont use any punctuation marks

    9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

    12. Sing along at the opera.

    13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

    15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

    16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.

    17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"

    18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

    19. Tell your children over dinner. "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."



    <img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36204">
    Today Microsoft published the complete list of bugs in Windows. Its the first time all knows bugs will be availible for the public.
    Mr. Hyan-Lee from japan (see picture) made the misstake of printing out the whole list.
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    Last edited by Gaumont; 04-04-2003 at 11:03 AM.

  4. #4
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    :big grin:


    great thread and great idea....i was hoping someone might want to do this.....

    oh...and some funny jokes....

    :side note:
    are curse words being censored on this board recently on purpose or are people just censoring themselves...??
    "I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone
    but they've always worked for me,"

    Hunter S.Thompson


    for all you newbs, use the SEARCH function ... it works.

  5. #5
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    First, can I say, Thanks for posting the healthy level of insanity, I lost that, and its so funny.

    The old ones are the best, so, I shall attempt to dig some out!

    Things Men need To Know About Style
    >
    > 1. Yes, Homer Simpson is funny - but not on your tie.
    > 2. Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a
    vicar.
    > 3. Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable.
    Ironing
    > them yourself is evidence of an unsound mind.
    > 4. Cowboy boots - NO!!!
    > 5. Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch.
    > 6. Going bald ? - shave it off for God's sake.
    > 7. Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won
    Wimbledon.
    > 8. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wild
    > side of your corporate facade. They do, however, mean your mother
    > still dresses you or you wish she did.
    > 9. Socks and sandals - lovely on Germans.
    > 10. A jester hat does not a wacky man make. Even Noddy Holder regrets
    > the 70s.
    > 11. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers......
    > 12. as are medallions.....
    > 13. ...and tracksuit tops and bottoms.
    > 14. Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet?? Habitat
    > helpline 0845 601 0740
    > 15. Open shirts: one button open = professional; two buttons =
    casual;
    > three = oversharing.
    > 16. Tight sleeveless muscle t-shirts are only ok if you're 17, can do
    > the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat, and are a member
    > of NSync.OK
    > 17. Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = tosser.
    > 18. Here's a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn't real, and Angelina
    > is: a) an actress and b) married.
    > 19. Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying the Man Utd
    > kit? Please seek professional help.
    > 20. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet and
    > "ice" ring in the window of H.Samuel where it can live a long and
    > happy life doing no-one any harm....
    > 21. You'll NEVER pull if you put your mobile in the mobile phone
    > pocket of your combats.
    > 22. Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it's
    > not going to do it for you.
    > 23. Chinos - fashionable for 6 months in 1989 and that was it
    >
    >
    > Things Women need To Know About Style
    >
    > 1. Show more cleavage.
    > 2. Wear shorter skirts

    ********************************************

    >A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his
    >graduate students. It had one question:
    >
    >"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
    >Support your answer with a proof."
    >
    >Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
    >(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
    >some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
    >
    >First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
    >we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
    >they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
    >gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
    >for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
    >religions that exist in the world today.
    >
    >Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
    >religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
    >religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
    >can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
    >death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
    >increase exponentially.
    >
    >Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
    >Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
    >Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
    >added. This gives two possibilities:
    >
    >1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
    >enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
    >until all Hell breaks loose.
    >
    >2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
    >of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
    >Hell freezes over.
    >
    >So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese
    >Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell
    >before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still
    >have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot
    >be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
    >
    >The student got the only A.
    Last edited by Shelly; 04-04-2003 at 03:07 PM.
    Shelly

  6. #6
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    One of my favourte

    Things you'd love to say at work but can't

    1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap.
    2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
    pronounce.
    3. How about never? Is never good for you?
    4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
    public.
    5. I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to see it my way.
    6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
    8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand what you're saying.
    10. Ahhh... I see the screw up fairy has visited you again...
    11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
    14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
    15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
    17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean that you're an artist.
    18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
    coincidental.
    19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
    20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    23. And your cry-baby, whiny opinion would be...?
    24. Do I look like a people person?
    25. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
    27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    33. Can I trade this job for whatever is behind door number 1?
    34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
    35. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
    36. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
    37. I thought that I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted
    paychecks.



    Call Centre Fun!
    Can you actually believe that some people are this dumb. Oh, and if anyone has the Stupid Sign jokes, put those up, I can't find them.

    Samsung Electronics
    Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".
    Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
    about".
    Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
    that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".
    Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

    ******************
    RAC Motoring Services
    Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?". Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

    ******************
    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in
    France):
    "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel
    to the other side of the car?".

    ******************
    Directory Enquiries
    Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff,
    please".
    Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?".
    Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B'
    Fell off".

    ******************
    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    >>>Operator: "Woven?. Are you sure?". Caller: "Yes. That's what it says
    on the label - Woven in Scotland".

    ******************
    Caller: "I'd like the RSPCA please". Operator: "Where are you
    Calling from?". Caller: "The living room".

    ******************
    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
    phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

    ******************
    Computer Capers Tech Support:
    "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
    Customer: "OK".
    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
    Customer: "No".
    Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?".
    Customer: "No".
    Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
    Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

    ******************
    Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can
    you see the 'OK' button displayed?". Customer: "Wow. How can you see my
    screen from there?".

    ******************
    Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just
    realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

    ******************
    British Rail Customer: "How much does it cost to Bath on the
    train?".
    Operator: "If you can get your feet in the sink, then it's free".

    ******************
    Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 1530 for two days and can't get
    through to enquiries, can you help?".
    Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
    Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
    Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

    ******************
    The Bank Caller: "I would like to borrow 2,000 please".
    Operator: "Certainly, sir. Over how long?".
    Caller: "Three years, please".
    Operator: "OK, sir. That will be 75 per month for 36 months. Is
    That OK?".
    Caller: "No, not at all. I want it all at once!"

  7. #7
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    This is a good one


    This is a reproduction of a letter written to an insurance company as part of an ongoing correspondence regarding a workers compensation insurance claim. The names of the injured party, his employer and the insurance company have been omitted for obvious reasons. Please read on for a good laugh.

    Dear Sir,

    I'm writing in response to your request for additional information.

    In block #3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of the accident. In your letter you said that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details should be sufficient.

    I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 3 story building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 300 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the 3rd floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went to to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope while holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of bricks.

    You will note in block #2 of the accident report form that I stated I weighed 165 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and did not let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.

    Slowed down only slightly by the barrel I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, I retained consciousness and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain and injuries.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel broke out. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrate were cracked.

    I'm sorry to report however as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand or move, I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down and broke both of my legs.

    I hope I furnished the information that you need to complete the processing of my claim and that you understand how the accident occurred by trying to do the job alone.

    ********************************************

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  8. #8
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    Talking

    Here's one of my favorite jokes:

    A guy is in a session with his psychiatrist. He tells the doctor, "Hey Doc, I've been having these really scary dreams...(guy's tone increasingly gets more anxious...I dream a monster is chasing me, a big scary monster, straight out of Aliens or something...and every night he gets closer and closer to me...its the same dream doc!...and...and...I'm really afraid he's gonna catch me....!!!!!!!!!" The guy is almost in tears.

    Doc says to the guy," OK, calm down, no need to fear, it's just a dream. See what happens this coming week in your dream, and we will discuss it next week."

    Guy nods in approval and the session is over. A week passes, and the guy noticable fatigued, comes in for another session with the doc.

    "Now tell me about your dream. Did anything new happen," says the doctor

    "Well doc, the scary monster kept getting closer and closer and closer...Until finnally last night he caught me!!!! I was so afraid, I thought he was going to eat me...I said to him, (guy's voice shaking),"What are you going to do to me now?!?!? The monster then said, 'I don't know, it's you're dream...'"
    Our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us. - Matthew Mcconaughey - Interstellar

  9. #9
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    Smile

    This one is an old favorite of mine.

    A salesman man traveled to Pheonix on a business trip. After getting off the plane, he noticed an old Indian sitting under a tree. He had heard that Indians have really good memories, and he decided to test that. He walked up to the Indian and, without any introductions or explanations, asked simply, "What did you have for breakfast on Aug. 10, 1963?"

    The Indian replied simply but quickly, "Eggs."

    The salesman was taken back by his answer and left him alone.

    A year later, the salesman made another trip to that same airport. When he got off the plane, he saw the same Indian sitting under the same tree. He remembered how he was rather rude to him and how the Indian answered him despite his rudeness and the fact that it was none of his business. He decided to try to make peace with the Indian.

    He walked up to the Indian, raised his right hand, and said, "How."

    "Scrambled," the Indian replied.



    And while I am on the subject of Indian-based jokes...

    A millionaire wanted to have a mural painted on a wall in his mansion, so he hired an artist.

    "I am going on vacation for a month, and while I am gone, I would like for you to paint a mural depicting Custer's final thoughts," the millionaire told the artist.

    When he returned home a month later, sure enough, the mural was completed. However, the millionaire was confused because the mural showed a large field several Native Americans in various stages of lovemaking, and a cow with a halo in the middle of the mural.

    He called the artist and asked for an explanation.

    "Well," the artist replied, "I figured Custer's final thoughts were 'Holy cow, look at all those f***ing Indians!"



    And now a blonde joke:

    A blonde was sitting in a rowboat out in the middle of a field and was rowing away for all she was worth. Another blonde was driving by on the road next to the field and, when she saw the first blonde, she pulled over and got out of her car.

    "You should be ashamed of yourself," she yelled at the blonde in the boat from the side of the road. "It is blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I'd come out there and slap you!"



    A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop."



    A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. After eating, he pulls out a gun, shoots the piano player, and starts to walk out the door.

    "Hey, you can't just shoot my piano player like that, and you didn't pay for the sandwich," the bartender yells.

    "I'm a panda, look it up," says the panda, and walks out the door.

    The bartender was ticked but pulled out a dictionary and looked up Panda. After reading the definition, he realized that there was nothing he could do.

    "Panda [n] a large black-and-white carnivore of a bearlike family from China. Eats shoots and leaves."

    Corfy
    Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
    Website | DVD Collection

  10. #10
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    A Letter Home


    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

    Love,
    Your $on.


    --------------------------------------------

    Dear Son,

    I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love,
    Dad

  11. #11
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    hehe these are funny keep em coming.. i was going to post the hell endo/exothermic one but i was beaten to the punch!


    [My Top 20 Movies@Ymdb] - ([)(]) Dolby Digital the choice of ML's - [~My Place ~]

    {Drag The Sunrise Down: You know the light can hypnotise, so shut it out and close your eyes - Rooster}

  12. #12
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    At the Gym

    For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

    Day 1

    They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 a.m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be great.

    Day 2

    Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel great

    Day 3

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

    Day 4

    Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

    Day 5

    I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, you went to sadist school, you are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

    Day 6

    Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

    Day 7

    Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like free teeth drilling at the dentist's.

    <img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36287">
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  13. #13
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    the inevitable iraq jokes:



    What is the Iraqi air force motto? "I came, I saw, Iran."


    Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program? "Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there."


    What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad? "Two days."


    What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? "They both have Kurds in their way."


    What is the best Iraqi job? "Foreign ambassador."


    Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? "You only have to teach them to take off."


    How do you play Iraqi bingo? "B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52 ..."


    What is Iraq's national bird? "Duck."


    What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? "They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!"


    Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats? "So they can see their air force"
    Last edited by flying_dug0ng; 04-05-2003 at 07:57 AM.

  14. #14
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    :big grin: This thread rocks!!

  15. #15
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    Originally posted by Marcus
    :big grin: This thread rocks!!
    lol good. Heres another =)

    *************************************************'


    Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean)


    10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

    9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

    8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

    7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

    6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

    5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

    4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

    3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

    2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

    1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)




    In response...
    The male perspective on the same issue ...



    Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men and what they actually mean)....

    10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

    9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

    8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

    7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

    6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

    5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

    4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

    3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

    2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

    1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)


    <img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=36338">
    imagine finding this sign if an accident has happened lol
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