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Thread: JOKES!!!
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From Comics.com"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan
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01-02-2004, 06:56 PM #183
- Join Date
- Sep 2001
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Im not good with jokes :s so Ill just go with an easy one
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesnt matter what you call it, its not coming.Sgt. Johnny Beaufort: He says, "The Apaches are a great race," sir. "They've never been conquered. But it is not well for a nation to be always at war. The young men die... the women sing sad songs... and the old ones are hungry in the winter."
Fort Apache
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Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"
The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"
So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to land.
The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to land, and
he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along for the ride,
"Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as any."
So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last minute
he swerves and pulls back up. "Damn!" he says, "That is the SHORTEST
runway I have ever seen! How in hell is anyone supposed to land on it?"
But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try again, with the
same result.
Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right, I'm going
to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just going to crash and
hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.
When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is still swearing and gesticulating wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever designed
this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron! No one
could land on anything that short!"
The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it is!"
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Some of this stuff is sooooooooo funny, keeping this thread alive
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
:big grin: :big grin:
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MEXICAN JOKES! No offence to the Mexicans, I apologize if your offended, its all in good fun any how. And apologies if this has already been done.
How do you find the population of Mexico?
Throw a penny down the street.
How do you find the richest person in Mexico?
See who got the penny.
How do you kill a Mexican?
Throw a Penny off a Cliff
How do you kill another?
Say no one got it.
I dunno whats with Mexicans and pennies but it makes me laugh. Hehe.... Mexicans....
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Ok this is a true story which happened to me last year.
Im coming home from a hard day, I call home on my cell to leave a message for my wife for when she gets home from work. So I call home and wait for the machine but then someone picks up, and its this teenagers voice and he says "Hello?" So I think this is the wrong number so I try again, but its the same kid so I ask if my wifes there, he says "Not at the moment"
"Well then is Kyle (my wifes brother) there?"
Not at the moment.
So then I catch on to whats happening cause I hear other teenage boys in the back round so then I ask "Is my TV there" and he replies "Not at the moment"
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Man walks into a bar....
Ouch.
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This problem occurs alot here.
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Canada busy sending back Bush-dodgers
Canada busy sending back Bush-dodgers (Headline in the Columbus Dispatch on 11/16/04)
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols
to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is
prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon
be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border
farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and
hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a
chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he
said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much
they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,
though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to
posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian
prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised
in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses
and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get
suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating and organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many
art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice
President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that
the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The
president is determined to reach out.""I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone …
but they've always worked for me,"
Hunter S.Thompson
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In the outskirts of Glasgow (scotland) two families are in court. There was an uproar at a wedding.
The best man explains, "it is customary for the best man to have the first dance with the wife where we live, and the music never seemed to stop, so what we thought was the first dance then became the second and third, and then the groom jumped over the table, ran upto his wife and kicked her in the privates"
The judge says, "That must have hurt"
The best man then says "Damn right, broke two of my fingers"
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In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
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Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
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A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
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Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.
"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.
The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"
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Originally Posted by aS!DzOriginally Posted by aS!Dz
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