JOKES!!!

[Gaumont]

Tech Support: "Well, let me look up your account information to make sure we have the correct password."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Hmmm...let's re-enter your password."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "All right. Your password is 'XYZ123'."

Customer: "Oh, that's what I have written down, but that's not not what I put in."

Tech Support: "What did you put in?"

Customer: "'FURBY'."

Tech Support: "Why did you do that?"

Customer: "Because I didn't like yours."

[radstar]

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

· What is his profit?


Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

· What is his profit?


Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M."

· Represent the set "C" as the subset of set M and answer this question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?


Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

· Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.

· What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.


Teaching Math in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120.

· How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?


Teaching Math in 2010:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de productiones.....

[radstar]

WARNING TO ALL DOG OWNERS : Watch your dog

Dogs are being picked off one at a time.
They are falling in great numbers.
Deputies advise all dog owners to "Watch your dog"

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=60483">

[redbear]

This will warm your heart. Just when you've lost faith in human kindness
someone, who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded
the following letter as a reminder to keep hope alive. The letter was sent
to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and
was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens
luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for
the Aged and Disabled. I would rather live in my own home. But, all my
family has passed away and Social Security gives all my money except for $30
a month to the nursing 'home'...and from that I must pay for my own
toothpaste and incidentals. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that
someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old
forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I
received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was
napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a
lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I said. "f--- you!"

Life is good.
Sincerely,
Edna Mae Rampart

[redbear]

look...they found Nemo....

[radstar]

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=61622">

[redbear]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -

HUSBAND: "Sh*t."

[redbear]

The Pirate
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a
while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand
was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one
of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some
bird ****."
"It was my first day with the hook."

[redbear]

Pick a SLOGAN for '04!



Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars!

Bush/Cheney '04: "You're either with us or against us!"

BU__SH__! in '04

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the truth just isn't good enough.

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-voodoo all over again!

Bush/Cheney '04: Get used to it!

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave no billionaire behind

Bush/Cheney '04: Or else.

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served.

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "con" in conservatism

Bush/Cheney '04: Thanks for not paying attention.

Bush/Cheney '04: The economy's stupid!

Bush/Cheney '04: The last vote you'll ever have to cast.

Bush/Cheney '04: This time, elect us!

Bush/Cheney: 1984

Bush/Cheney: Asses of Evil

Don't think. Vote Bush!

George W. Bush: A brainwave away from the presidency

George W. Bush: It takes a village idiot

George W. Bush: Leadership without a doubt

George W. Bush: The buck stops over there

God Save the King!

Let them eat yellowcake! Vote Bush!

Peace & Prosperity Suck -- ReElect Bush

Vote Bush in '04: "Because every vote counts -- for me!"

Vote Bush in '04: "Because I'm the President, that's why!"

Vote Bush in '04: Because dictatorship is easier

Vote Bush in '04: It's a no-brainer!

Vote for George & You Get Dick!



And the list could go on and on...

[redbear]

There was an attorney who got home late one evening after a very taxing
day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur
Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute
plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling
tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time
of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so
on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiarritual, he went
and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom
for
a long hot soak-pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered to be
told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution
after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little
and went upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom
door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent
naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

At which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For
crying out loud . . . don't you ever stop?"

[redbear]

The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice
of your husband to buy you that new car," said a
friend.

"Nice nothing! He had to," explained the woman. "I
caught him in bed with the maid."

"Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, ympathetically.
"Well, did you fire her?"

"Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits
to go with the car!"[/

[redbear]

DECISION TIME

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

[Gaumont]

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers.

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light.

The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than
light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

[redbear]

Are you bald?
Are you ugly?
Are you short?
Are you sick?
Are you stupid?
Do ladies call you macho or jerk?
Are you over 30, 40, 50, or even 60?
Have ladies lost interest in you?
Do not despair!
Now there is a new "Male Beauty Product" on the market..
This is such a revolutionary product that it gives fast and effective results instantly...
If you purchase this product, and use it even only once or twice ... you will see that
even the most beautiful and sexy ladies will not be able to resist your charms.
This is the best "Male Beauty Product" on the market and is available in select stores now.
Just take a look and convince yourself.

[redbear]

This is perhaps one of the strangest optical illusions I think I've ever seen. The image is not moving at all. It only seems to move whenever you move your center of vision. Too bizarre.

Enjoy, and don't forget to take a pill for motion sickness,

check this out !!!!