JOKES!!!

[aS!Dz]

[aS!Dz]

Now thats what u call safe sex

[aS!Dz]

Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After
a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door
neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll
give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have
on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a
few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the
woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks
from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob from next
door" she replies. "Oh good" the husband says, "did he
say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit and risk with your stakeholders,
you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side
of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which
she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
had a look and nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up
her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival
at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible
and looked up psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the Story: Always be well informed in your
job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager
are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of
smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to
be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care
in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales
rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina
coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The
manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."

Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first
say.

Corporate Lesson 4
Usually the staff of the company play football.
The middle level managers are more interested in
Tennis.
The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls
reduce in size.

[aS!Dz]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new
method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and
she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast
3-5,3-5,3-5...

[radstar]

o...m...g!!!!!!!

[aS!Dz]

WHY WOMEN ARE LIKE FOOTBALL PITCHES


1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and
width,thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with groundowner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership
standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping
ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never
mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling
the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the
back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

Conversely, DO NOT expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnel to
the
goal mouth and score. That can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the
pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent
goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. French grounds are frequently very nice to look at, however there can
sometimes be an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as
often as they should.
18. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
19. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
20. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two
evenings a week.
21. Pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a
month, although this can be longer if you piss the owner off by continually
asking to play up the good end instead.
22. Players will have to agree personal terms with the club, before being
allowed to play on the turf.
23. Always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at
least hasn't had many visits). That said, well used grounds may have better
facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player.

[carl]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ***!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone a! sks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

[radstar]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

some people don't hear or understand me when i ask, but when i point at my wrist, they know what i'm asking. so instead of looking dumb and asking "HuH?" they'll go, "Oh, the time is..."

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.

I want to find the remote and sit on my chair so I don't have to keep getting up and changing the channel on the TV. I would GO to the TV if i wanted to watch just one channel...

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

I'm not a big fan of cake, but I like to look at it and see how pretty it is. Don't worry, I do like cakes. It just depends on the taste. But I rather just look at them and enjoy the sight.

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ***!

I don't say that and I don't know anyone who have ever said it....

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

I only ask that outside of the movie, not during.....

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

It's a polite thing to do. Just so someone can prepare and know that there is a question coming up....

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

It's actually both. When you get something new and improved, then you had a similiar thing before it. It's new because you just bought it, and it's improved or else why would you buy it?

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

I can't believe i wuz 14 years old 7 years old! Life is short, dude!

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone a! sks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

I could be waiting to cross the street OR i could just be standing there watching the cars pass me by...



What annoys me:
Cars scoot up at the red light... like Adam Sandler said, "Ooh! Thanks for scooting up! Now I have time for donuts and coffee!"

Baby strollers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhh

[aS!Dz]

(1) A man was walking through the desert had not eaten for days. He came across a church, went in, knelt at the alter and prayed, "Good God give me some food!"
As if by magic a lump of meat dropped at his feet. Overjoyed he ate the food. He came back every day with the same request, and everyday he was rewarded until one day a hand dropped at his feet.

Puzzled he looked up... There was a leper painting the ceiling.



(2) An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[redbear]

An old farmer in Saskatchewan had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly
shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared
the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he
came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not
coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm
every time.

[redbear]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think
of to clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched
arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language
and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change
in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Gaumont]

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while...

.... your spouse/shopping partner is taking their sweet time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares......and see what happens

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible"

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here"

[trailergod]

Winning insecticide print ad......

:big grin:

<IMG SRC="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=69671">

[radstar]

hehe... make sure you go from left to right and top to bottom
<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=70303">

[aS!Dz]