JOKES!!!

[aS!Dz]

eewwww...thanks for the visuals.

lolz!!!

[redbear]

Axis of Evil Wannabees

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be "more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis" President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having,"for starters, a really dumb name". "Right. As if they are just as evil ... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils? eh evilest? that we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, Although they conceded they had asked if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia And Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just GenerallyDisagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just Something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.


While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Norguay denied the charges. Norguays king Harald can't understand the rejection "I filled out the application myself".

[redbear]

Never Lie to Girls

There was a man resting and enjoying the view on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the
guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her, "What did you
do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

[redbear]

Police Must Notify Residents When Catholic Church Moves into Neighborhood...

Controversial "Egan's Law" Expected to Gain Widespread Support

Under a new law designed to protect minors, local police departments will now be required to inform residents any time a known Roman Catholic church moves into their neighborhood.


New Jersey State Senate debating Egan's Law
The law also mandates that Catholic churches register with authorities, wear electronic monitoring devices, and be prohibited from moving to within a half-mile radius of a school.

A follow-up to Megan's Law, enacted by New Jersey in 1994, the so-called "Egan's Law" is named for Cardinal Edward Egan of New York and Cardinal Bernard Law of Boston, who are both accused of covering up sexual abuse by priests under their authority. Like Megan's Law, Egan's Law is expected to spread quickly to other states, but for parents in towns across New Jersey, it's on the books none too soon.

"Last year, we discovered that a Catholic Church had been in our neighborhood for 30 years! And nobody told us!" said Ruth Harper of Redbrook, N.J. "My sons used to walk by that church every day on their way to school. Even now I shudder to think of what might have happened."

"I always told my kids to steer clear of that place," added neighbor Scott Carlyle. "But that's because there were a lot of strange people going in and out at odd hours, even at midnight on Saturdays. I was worried it was some kind of druggie hangout.

"To think the whole time it was a Roman Catholic Church. Now I know why they had all those stained glass windows —. so nobody could look in."


Critics, however, charge that Egan's Law is unconstitutional, specifically because it relies on religious profiling and is intended to safeguard only one segment of the population: young males. But State Sen. Carmela Truto, a Catholic who co-sponsored the bill, used church doctrine itself to prove only one segment needs protection.

"In the Catholic Church, after 2,000 years, Mary is still a Virgin," she said. "So clearly, they're not interested in girls."

That statement, however, angered Vatican spokesman Edgar Palowski, who said it propagated a common misconception about the church. "This doesn't get reported enough," he said, "but it's a fact that our priests abuse just as many girls as boys."

"Oh. Oh dear..." he added.

[Charismaslover]

Police Chase


Keith bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the road, pushed
it up to 150km/h and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning)
hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a Police car following
him.

"Problem!" thought Keith and he floored it some more and flew down the road
at over 210km/h to escape being stopped.

He then thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of
thing." and pulled over to the side of the road and waited
for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Police Officer pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's
side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can
give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Police Officer and said, "Last week my wife ran
off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Officer said, "Have a nice day."

[Jedi Master]

he he even me a Star Wars freek would never go this far...

[redbear]

Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be
available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man
to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names "cocktails,"
"highballs," and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will
market the new concoction by the name of "Mount and Do!"

[SharkmanSIX]

What do you call a man who spends his day with his hand up a horses ***?

An Amish mechanic!

(Even found a picture to match it! Gotta love google.)

[redbear]

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me.
It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does is buy cigars cruise around and bullshit with his pals,
while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend
to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore.
You're a United States senator from New York. Act like it!

[redbear]

A visiting minister spoke eloquently during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord", he began,
with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "

He would have continued, but at that moment, my very obedient daughter
(who was listening) leaned over to me and asked quite loudly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[redbear]

Medical Investigation . . .

A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange
development recently to the inside of her thighs...a green spot on the inside of
each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting
worse.


The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she
needn't worry until tests come back.


He sends her home. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to
her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on
with these spots?


"You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is
your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.


"Yes--how did you know?"




"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[redbear]

i wonder if they were....????

[Jedi Master]

ah ah ah ah

[redbear]

The Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get
points. Do something she dislikes, and points are
subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system

=============================
SIMPLE DUTIES:

You make the bed. (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative
pillow. (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is
nothing. (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is
something. (+5)

You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It's her pet. (-25)

=============================
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:

You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to
chat with a college
buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)

Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Really big breast implants. (-200)

=============================
HER BIRTHDAY:

You take her out to dinner. (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports
bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and
your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team. (-10)

=============================
A NIGHT OUT:

You take her to a movie. (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it's called "DeathCop". (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about
orphans that was featured
on "Oprah". (-15)

=============================
YOUR PHYSIQUE:

You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to
get rid of it. (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to
baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."
(-10,000)

=============================
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]

You hesitate in responding. (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response. (-20)

=============================
COMMUNICATION:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you
listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression. (0)

You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without
looking at the TV. (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen
asleep. (-5,000)

[redbear]

Job Application Question


A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so
they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down
to three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best
answer would get the job.

The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying
on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."

The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."

The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names, it's either, Willie Turner or Willie Nailer.