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Thread: JOKES!!!

  1. #211
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    odd couplings

    An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
    "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
    "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
    "Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
    There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
    They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the Old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
    This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
    Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know.
    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."
    As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
    The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
    "I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone …
    but they've always worked for me,"

    Hunter S.Thompson

  2. #212
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    male or female

    A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: el lápiz.''

    A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora''), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador''), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.

  3. #213
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    A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

    The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

    Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

    "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

    The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"

    "Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

  4. #214
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    A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

    "Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds.

    When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

    The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

    After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS.

    Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

    Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

    Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."

    The officer let him go without even a warning.

  5. #215
    j7wild Guest

    Wink Joke of the Day !!

    There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    2 French men and 1 French woman
    2 German men and 1 German woman
    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
    2 English men and 1 English woman
    2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
    2 American men and 1 American woman
    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
    2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
    2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
    2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

    After one month, the following things have occurred:

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

    The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and then started swimming.

    The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

    The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them "bloody tossers".

    One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other man is searching the island for sheep.

    The Irish divided the island into North and South and immediately set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any.


  6. #216
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    strange reading this joke right after watching second episode of second series of Lost.... lol
    Me angry! Where´s my food!

    My DVD Collection, My Blu-ray collection

  7. #217
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    25 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

    1. It's an incentive to show up.
    2. It reduces stress.
    3. It leads to more honest communications.
    4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
    5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
    6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
    7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
    8. It encourages car pooling.
    9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
    10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
    11. It makes fellow employees look better.
    12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
    13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
    14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
    15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
    16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
    17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
    18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
    19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
    20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
    21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
    22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
    23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
    24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
    25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language
    "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan

  8. #218
    j7wild Guest
    Man!!

    There are some funny s*** in here!!


  9. #219
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    When the Tele-marketer calls


    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about our problems.

    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

    6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

    9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give you credit card number to a complete stranger.

    10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can't sell to employees.

    11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.

    12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Hang up.

    13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

    14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

    15. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

    16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

    17. Tell the telemarketer, "Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

    18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

    19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder... louder...

    20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

  10. #220
    j7wild Guest
    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was....... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

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