JOKES!!!

[Gaumont]

LOL good stuff

[Gaumont]

Dave, sadly was born without ears, although successful in business this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up 3 interviews. The first man was great! He knew everything he needed to know & was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears". Dave did not appreciate his candor & threw him out of the office!

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first one! Dave asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "You have no ears." Dave again got upset & chucked her out in a rage!

The third & final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his BSc(Hons). He was smart. He was handsome, & seemed to be a better businessman than the first 2 put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead & asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered,"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked at this incredibly observant person.

"How in the world did you know that?" Dave asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically & replied: "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fu#?ing ears!!!"

[redbear]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL...



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
Yeungling to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink another beer. Fetch bottle of gin. Make a GOOD gin and tonic, light on the tonic.
Pour an additional shot, consume rapidly.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot of Tanquary.
Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it.
Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14.Consume remainder of Tanqueray. Get spouse to drive you to
Shadyside Hospital's emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

[redbear]

Subject: Punishment

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at
midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He finally arrives at the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later. As he's leaving the plane, the
pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."

The poor guy says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Enlisted Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's twenty degrees
below zero and my specialty here is to pump **** from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?

[Gaumont]

lol

and heres another one
*************************''
Latest news from Europe

The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our Brussels-based hack. The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c".
Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy.

Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru

[corfy]

In honor of the EuroEnglish post...

Seen on a t-shirt:

Anuther brillyant mined distoryed bi thee publik edukashun sistum.

[Gaumont]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

[redbear]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A
hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down
three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be
refreshed."

"There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes
down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly, and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that
fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and then
have a proper trophy."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake,
but I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly
goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear
grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish
jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter
shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese
sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for
the cooling mist of the water,

The fish swallows the fly,
The bear grabs the fish,
The hunter shoots the bear,
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich,
The cat jumps for the mouse,
The mouse ducks, and
The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is probably in danger!

[redbear]

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on
their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband "in the mood" at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so
that night, when her husband went into the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head. However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your teeth in. You look like an a**hole."

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by red bear
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy is probably in danger!

lol


***********************************************
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps. General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

[radstar]

Women Waiting for the Perfect Man

[corfy]

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will program your phone autodial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL DRINK ALL YOUR MILK RIGHT OUT OF THE CARTON.

FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!!!

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 2000/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds, your television will only be able to receive Jerry Springer episodes 24 hours a day.

[corfy]

To: Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

[corfy]

Golden Telephone!

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Indiana. Upon entering a church in Lafayette, Indiana, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute - your charge is only 35 cents. How can this be?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Indiana now... It's a local call."

:angel"

[Gaumont]

lol