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Thread: JOKES!!!

  1. #31
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    Women Waiting for the Perfect Man
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    "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

  2. #32
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    Exclamation

    If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately. Do not open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

    It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

    It will program your phone autodial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL DRINK ALL YOUR MILK RIGHT OUT OF THE CARTON.

    FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, ARE YOU LISTENING?!!!!!!

    It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

    It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

    It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

    If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 2000/XP environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

    WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN!

    And if you don't send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds, your television will only be able to receive Jerry Springer episodes 24 hours a day.

    Corfy
    Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
    Website | DVD Collection

  3. #33
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    Wink

    To: Technical Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

    Can you help me, please!!!

    Thanks, A TROUBLED USER

    Dear TROUBLED USER:

    This is very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

    It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

    Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur,regardless of their cause.

    The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


  4. #34
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    Wink

    Golden Telephone!

    A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

    Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

    Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

    As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

    Finally, he arrived in Indiana. Upon entering a church in Lafayette, Indiana, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents."

    Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute - your charge is only 35 cents. How can this be?"

    The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Indiana now... It's a local call."

    :angel"

  5. #35
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    lol
    "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan

  6. #36
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    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to plant his potatoes, but spading the ground was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    ***********
    Dear Bubba,

    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potatoes this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

    Regards,
    Dad

    ***********

    A few days later he received a letter from his son:

    ***********

    Dear Dad,

    For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

    Regard,
    Bubba

    ***********

    At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area finding no bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

    ***********

    Dear Dad,

    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.

    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Bubba

    ***********

  7. #37
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    Question

    The boss had to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. The phone was answered by a child whispering, "hello."

    "Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    Surprised, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

    "Yes."

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Confused, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what was going on, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen," came the whispered answer.

    Now very concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    In an awed little voice the child whispered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

    Alarmed and more than a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for???"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

    "ME."


  8. #38
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    Five Airplane Passengers

    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

    The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

    The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the cleverest woman in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

    The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

    The girl said, "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest woman has taken my schoolbag."

  9. #39
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    No more nerds...
    A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

    "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

    He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

    The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

    The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

    The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

    The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

    So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

    He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

    The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

    "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em.

  10. #40
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    Cool

    One day, God decides that it's finally time to finish up this whole "earth" business. He schedules Judgement Day to be in a week, and then has a meeting with the world's 3 most important people, just to let them know what's coming up: George W. Bush, The leader of Red China, Jiang Zemin, and Bill Gates. After the personal meetings with God, the 3 most important people got together with their top staff to break the news. It went something like this:

    Bush: Well, folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, there really is a God. The bad news is, He's ending life on Earth in a week.

    Zemin: I have some bad news, and some even worse news. There really IS a God, and He's wiping us out in a week.

    Bill Gates: Hey guys! I've got some good news, and some fantastic news! First, God says that I'm one of the three most important people on the planet! And even better than that, we don't have to worry about fixing Windows XP!!


  11. #41
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    Taoism: shi't happens

    Hinduism: This shi't happened before

    Confucianism: Confucius say: shi't happens

    Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shi't happening

    Zen: What is the sound of shi't happening?

    Islam: If shi't happens, it is the will of Allah

    Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock: 'shi't happens.'

    Atheism: There is no such thing as shi't

    Agnosticism: Maybe shi't happens, and maybe it doesn't
    Protestantism: shi't won't happen if I work harder

    Catholicism: If shi't happenes, I deserve it

    Judaism: Why does shi't always happen to me?

    Televangelism: Send money or shi't will happen to you

    Rastafarian: Smoke that shi't

    Orthodoxism: Hoooooleeeeyyyyy shi't

    Televangelism: Send money or shi't will happen to you


    JP..this sucks..we cant even say **** (s.h.i.t.) in the forums?
    Last edited by trailergod; 04-11-2003 at 12:37 PM.
    http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/6324/fightclubmlzq1.jpg

  12. #42
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    just some goof.....

    read this out loud

    This is only cat
    This is idiots cat
    This is would cat
    This is read cat
    This is this cat

    now read every third word in each sentence out loud

  13. #43
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    Kids of today

    The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds)!

    Geography
    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in.

    Sociology

    Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Biology

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: What is artificial insemination?
    A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: What does "varicose" mean?
    A: Nearby.

    Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
    A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport

    Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

    English
    Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
    A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Technology
    Q : What is a turbine?
    A : Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
    Shelly

  14. #44
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    Oh dear, I found it.
    Its very stand up comedy, but funny all the same.

    Stupid People

    Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid."
    That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
    anything.
    It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."


    I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled
    right up on me. Here's your sign."

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

    I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
    >
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is!
    S M I L E

  15. #45
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    This little boy goes to his dad...asks dad "What is politics?"....Dad says, "well Son, let me try to explain it this way: "I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People, the nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

    Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s---".

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