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Thread: JOKES!!!

  1. #31
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    An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to plant his potatoes, but spading the ground was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

    ***********
    Dear Bubba,

    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potatoes this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

    Regards,
    Dad

    ***********

    A few days later he received a letter from his son:

    ***********

    Dear Dad,

    For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

    Regard,
    Bubba

    ***********

    At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area finding no bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

    ***********

    Dear Dad,

    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now.

    That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

    Bubba

    ***********
    Corfy
    Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
    Website | DVD Collection

  2. #32
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    Question

    The boss had to call one of his employees about an urgent problem. The phone was answered by a child whispering, "hello."

    "Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.

    "Yes," whispered the small voice.

    "May I talk with him?"

    The child whispered, "No."

    Surprised, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

    "Yes."

    "May I talk with her?"

    Again the small voice whispered, "No."

    Confused, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

    Wondering what was going on, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

    "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

    "Busy doing what?"

    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the firemen," came the whispered answer.

    Now very concerned as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

    In an awed little voice the child whispered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

    Alarmed and more than a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for???"

    Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

    "ME."


  3. #33
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    Five Airplane Passengers

    An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

    The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

    The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former US President, a NY State Senator and a potential future president. And I am the cleverest woman in American history, so America's people won't let me die." So she took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

    The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm the president of the United States of America. I have great responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

    The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

    The girl said, "It's okay, there is a parachute left for you. America's cleverest woman has taken my schoolbag."

  4. #34
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    No more nerds...
    A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying

    "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"

    He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living.

    The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.

    The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long.

    The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

    The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.

    So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

    He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

    The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

    "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em.
    "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan

  5. #35
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    Cool

    One day, God decides that it's finally time to finish up this whole "earth" business. He schedules Judgement Day to be in a week, and then has a meeting with the world's 3 most important people, just to let them know what's coming up: George W. Bush, The leader of Red China, Jiang Zemin, and Bill Gates. After the personal meetings with God, the 3 most important people got together with their top staff to break the news. It went something like this:

    Bush: Well, folks, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, there really is a God. The bad news is, He's ending life on Earth in a week.

    Zemin: I have some bad news, and some even worse news. There really IS a God, and He's wiping us out in a week.

    Bill Gates: Hey guys! I've got some good news, and some fantastic news! First, God says that I'm one of the three most important people on the planet! And even better than that, we don't have to worry about fixing Windows XP!!


  6. #36
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    Taoism: shi't happens

    Hinduism: This shi't happened before

    Confucianism: Confucius say: shi't happens

    Buddhism: It is only an illusion of shi't happening

    Zen: What is the sound of shi't happening?

    Islam: If shi't happens, it is the will of Allah

    Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, knock: 'shi't happens.'

    Atheism: There is no such thing as shi't

    Agnosticism: Maybe shi't happens, and maybe it doesn't
    Protestantism: shi't won't happen if I work harder

    Catholicism: If shi't happenes, I deserve it

    Judaism: Why does shi't always happen to me?

    Televangelism: Send money or shi't will happen to you

    Rastafarian: Smoke that shi't

    Orthodoxism: Hoooooleeeeyyyyy shi't

    Televangelism: Send money or shi't will happen to you


    JP..this sucks..we cant even say **** (s.h.i.t.) in the forums?
    Last edited by trailergod; 04-11-2003 at 12:37 PM.
    http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/6324/fightclubmlzq1.jpg

  7. #37
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    just some goof.....

    read this out loud

    This is only cat
    This is idiots cat
    This is would cat
    This is read cat
    This is this cat

    now read every third word in each sentence out loud
    "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

  8. #38
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    This little boy goes to his dad...asks dad "What is politics?"....Dad says, "well Son, let me try to explain it this way: "I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People, the nanny...we'll consider her the Working Class, and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

    So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

    Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about". The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s---".

  9. #39
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    Re: Kids of today

    Originally posted by Shelly
    The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds)!

    Geography
    Q: Name the four seasons.
    A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

    Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
    A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

    Q: How is dew formed?
    A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

    Q: What is a planet?
    A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

    Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
    A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in.

    Sociology

    Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
    A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

    Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
    A: Very important.Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

    Q: What are steroids?
    A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

    Biology

    Q: What happens to your body as you age?
    A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

    Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
    A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

    Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
    A: Premature death.

    Q: What is artificial insemination?
    A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

    Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
    A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

    Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

    Q: What is the Fibula?
    A: A small lie.

    Q: What does "varicose" mean?
    A: Nearby.

    Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
    A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

    Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
    A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

    Q: What is a seizure?
    A: A Roman emperor.

    Q: What is a terminal illness?
    A: When you are sick at the airport

    Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

    English
    Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
    A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

    Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
    A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

    Technology
    Q : What is a turbine?
    A : Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
    I think I went to school with that guy.

  10. #40
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    Are You a Guy?
    Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient



    1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

    a. Present it to the president of the United States.
    b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
    c. Take it apart.



    2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

    a. Innocence.
    b. Idealism.
    c. Cherry bombs.



    3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

    a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
    b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
    c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.



    4. What about hugging another male?

    a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
    b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
    c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

    (1) He is legally within the basepath,
    (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
    (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.



    5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

    a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
    b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
    c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.



    6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

    a. A cat.
    b. A dog.
    c. A dog that eats cats.



    7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

    a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
    b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
    c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.



    8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

    a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
    b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
    c. Tell her what?



    9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

    a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
    b. "They're in school already?"
    c. "There are three of them?"



    10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

    a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.



    11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions.



    12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

    a. Democracy.
    b. Religion.
    c. Remote control.





    How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

  11. #41
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  12. #42
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    The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
    The five questions are:
    1 - "What are you thinking?"
    2 - "Do you love me?"
    3 - "Do I look fat?"
    4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
    5 - "What would you do if I died?"



    What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:



    1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
    a - Baseball
    b - Football
    c - How fat you are.
    d - How much prettier she is than you.
    e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

    According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."



    The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:



    2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
    a - I suppose so.
    b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
    c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
    d - Does it matter?
    e - Who, me?



    3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
    a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
    b - Compared to what?
    c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
    d - I've seen fatter.
    e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



    4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
    a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
    b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
    c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
    d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
    e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.



    5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:


    "Dear," said the wife.
    "What would you do if I died?"
    "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the usband.
    "Why do you ask such a question?"
    "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
    "No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
    "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
    "Of course I do, dear" he said.
    "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
    "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
    "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
    "Yes" said the husband.
    "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
    "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
    "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
    "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
    "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
    "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
    "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet.
    "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
    "Of course not, dear," said the husband.
    "She is left-handed."
    Last edited by Gaumont; 04-12-2003 at 06:13 PM.

  13. #43
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  14. #44
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    man's periodic table...

    "I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone
    but they've always worked for me,"

    Hunter S.Thompson


    for all you newbs, use the SEARCH function ... it works.

  15. #45
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    Wink

    There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die , I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

    So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

    Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

    Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said,! "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

    "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

    "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

    :angel"

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