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Thread: JOKES!!!

  1. #61
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    The Lucky Frog
    A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

    The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."

    He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?"

    The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

    The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks.

    "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply.

    The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?"

    The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?"

    The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette".

    Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?"

    The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6."

    Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

    The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

    The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me".

    He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

    "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
    "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan

  2. #62
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    I think this thread is in the wrong place :angel"

  3. #63
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    yah it's not related to movies.... you see? this is gonna be confusing from now on. you should've left everything in one place and i'm talking about general chatter.
    "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

  4. #64
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    the poor frenchman

    Three rugby fans are in Saudi Arabia: An Irishman, an American and a
    Frenchman. While sharing a smuggled crate of booze, all of a sudden, Saudi
    police rush in and arrest them.

    The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia,
    but since they were tourists, the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be
    released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip and since it was his first
    wife's birthday, they would each get one wish before their whipping."

    The Irishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
    "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted
    10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to
    be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

    The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Irishman in horror he
    said smugly: "Please tie two pillows to my back." But even two pillows
    could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through and he too was carried
    away whimpering loudly (as they do).

    The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything,
    the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of
    the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you
    may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful
    highness", the American replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is
    that you give me not 20 lashes but, 100 lashes."

    "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are
    also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100
    lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"?

    "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
    "I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone …
    but they've always worked for me,"

    Hunter S.Thompson

  5. #65
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    stuttering....?

    Reference: Stuttering

    Guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been stuttering
    Ffor yyyears, and IIII'm tired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp me?"

    The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what the problem is."

    So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."

    The guy says, 'Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

    Doc says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down
    pressure is putting a strain on your vocal cords."

    Guy says, "Wwwhat cccan we dddo?"

    Doc says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

    Guy says, "Dddo it!"

    The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the
    doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter
    anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks.
    My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one.
    I don't care if I have to stutter, just put it back on!"

    The doc says, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a dddeal

  6. #66
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    obsessions

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers
    and their small children.

    "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You
    are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

    He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it
    manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

    He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests
    itself in your child's name, Brandy."

    At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up,takes her little boy by the
    hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

  7. #67
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    faithful...???

    An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his
    wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary.
    We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings.
    But there's something I've wondered about. Tell me the truth.
    Have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

    She hesitated a moment, then said, "Yes, Sidney, three times." "Three
    times? How could that happen?" Sidney asks.

    Marsha replied, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and
    we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our
    little house?"
    "Yes, dear, those were really difficult times," replied Sidney.
    "And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next
    day the bank extended our loan?"
    "Gosh, that's really hard to take," said Sidney. "But since things
    were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. What was the second
    time?"
    "Well," Marsha continued, "do you remember years later when you almost
    died of that heart problem because we couldn't afford an operation?"
    "Yes, of course," said Sidney.
    "Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor,
    he performed the operation at no cost?"
    "Yes, I remember," said Sidney, "and as much as that shocks me, I do
    understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the
    third time?"
    Marsha lowered her head and said,
    "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf
    club and you needed 62 more votes?"

  8. #68
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    two mutes

    Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street
    corner talking to each other with sign language.

    Mute #1 (SIGN) "What would you like to do?"
    Mute #2 (SIGN) "I don't know, what about you?"
    Mute #1 (SIGN) "Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to
    a dark space and have some fun."
    Mute #2 (SIGN) "Good idea."

    So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot
    and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the
    guy in the front seat on the shoulder...

    Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "What?"
    Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "Have you got any protection?"
    Front Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. Don't you?"
    Back Seat Mute (SIGN) "No. We had better go to a drug store
    and get some."

    They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back
    seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back out-
    side and taps on the car window.

    Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
    Outside Mute (SIGN) "I've got a problem."
    Inside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
    Outside Mute (SIGN) "I can't make the druggist understand what
    I want."

    Inside Mute (SIGN) "I know What to do."
    Outside Mute (SIGN) "What?"
    Inside Mute (SIGN) "Go back inside. Put five dollars on the
    counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you
    want."
    Outside Mute (SIGN) "Good idea."

    The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later
    he's back at the car window.

    Inside Mute (SIGN) "Well?"
    Outside Mute (SIGN) "It didn't work."
    Inside Mute (SIGN) "What do you mean?"
    Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went
    inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on
    the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than
    mine. He took my 5 dollars."

  9. #69
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    REASONS WHY GUITARS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN









    01. A guitar has a volume knob

    02. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $0.79 for a new one

    03. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to

    04. You can unplug a guitar

    05. You can finger a guitar for hours without it complaining it wants more

    06. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset

    07. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested

    08. You can have a guitar any color you want and noone will care

    09. If your guitar gets loose, you can just tighten up the strings

    10. If your guitar doesn't make sounds you like, you can change pickups

    11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar

    12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can just get a lighter set

    13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to your liking

    14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required

    15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the guitars you want for free

    Now, for the opposite:

    REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
    01. Women are more fun when the power goes out

    02. You can't get your guitar wet

    03. Ever try to screw a guitar?

    04. The input to a guitar is only 1/4" (ouch!)

    05. A guitar won't beg to be played

    06. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it

    07. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue

    08. Guitars aren't very aggressive

    09. A guitar won't play you back

    10. You need two hands to make a guitar scream

    11. A guitar won't scratch your back

    12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk

    13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it

    14. You can't play two guitars at once

    15. You can't fall in love with a guitar (awwwwwww, gee, how sweet ;-) (well, maybe you can, but they can't love you back)

  10. #70
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    A Dog Named Sex


    Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

    When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

    One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

    Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

    Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

  11. #71
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    Originally posted by radstar
    REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN GUITARS
    ...
    06. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on it
    ...
    aww damn, there goes my saturday night.

  12. #72
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    Funny quotes about sex



    "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
    Joan Rivers

    "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
    Rodney Dangerfield

    "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
    Steve Martin

    "My girlfiend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
    Emo Philips

    "When I'm good I'm very, very good but when I'm bad I'm better."
    Mae West

    "What's wrong with a little incest? It's both handy and cheap."
    James Agate

    "I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats though."
    Elton John

    "My wife is a sex object. Evertime I ask for sex, she objects."
    Les Dawson

    "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
    Woody Allen

    "A terrible thing happened to me last night again - Nothing."
    Phyllis Diller

    "The Love Bird is 100% faithful to his mate, as long as they are locked together in the same cage."
    Will Cuppy

    "Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night."
    Woody Allen

    "My best birth control now is to leave the lights on."
    Joan Rivers

    "It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
    Marylyn Monroe

    "Oh Lord give me chastity, but do not give it yet."
    St Augustine

    "The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin."
    Honore de Balzac

    "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
    Woody Allen

    "Happiness is watching the TV at your girlfriend's house during a power failure."
    Bob Hope

    "I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
    Bernard Manning

    "I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds."
    Joan Rivers

    "I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."
    Groucho Marx

    "She said he proposed something on their wedding night that even her own brother wouldn't have suggested."
    James Thurber

    "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
    Emo Philips

    "It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it."
    Winston Churchill

    "You know of course that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
    Somerset Maugham

    "A nymphomaniac is a women as obsessed with sex as the average man."
    Mignon McLaughlin

    "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
    Woody Allen

    "When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."
    Matt Groening

    "If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips."
    Woody Allen

    "Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer."
    Joan Rivers

    "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
    PJ O'Rourke

    "What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."
    Ken Hammond

    "Sex is God's joke on human beings."
    Bette Davis

    "Like most men, I am consumed with desire whenever a lesbian gets within twenty feet."
    Taki

    "There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed."
    George Burns

    "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
    Emo Philips

    "I am always looking for meaningful one night stands."
    Dudley Moore

    "Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one."
    Woody Allen

    "Sex is the invention of a very clever venereal disease."
    David Cronenberg

    "Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them."
    Steve Martin

    "The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
    Brendan Francis

    "My ultimate fantasy is to entice a man to my bedroom, put a gun to his head and say, 'Make babies or die'."
    Ruby Wax

    "I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off."
    Joan Rivers

    "Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk."
    Andy Gibb

    "An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex."
    Edgar Wallace

    "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
    Emo Philips

    "I would read Playboy magazine more often, but my glasses keep steaming over."
    George Burns

    "I know nothing about sex because I was always married."
    Zsa Zsa Gabor

    "Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter."
    Milton Berle

    "I'm not really a homosexual. I just help them out when they're busy."
    Frank Carson

  13. #73
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    An old American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at Paris airport and fumbled for his passport.

    "You have been to France before Monsieur?", the customs officer asked sarcastically.

    The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.

    "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.

    The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.

    "Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

    The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

    "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there were no Frenchmen on the beach.
    Corfy
    Laugh at life or life will laugh at you.
    Website | DVD Collection

  14. #74
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    $100 for a little boy

    A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but
    nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter
    requesting the $100.00

    When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA,
    they decided to send it to the President. The President was so
    amused that He instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
    the President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a
    little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to
    write a thank you note to God, which read:
    "Dear God: Thank you very Much for sending the money.
    however, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through
    Washington, DC., and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.”

  15. #75
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    Originally posted by radstar
    A Dog Named Sex
    Personally, I always wanted a dog named "Death." Then I could snatch things from the jaws of Death. I could post a sign saying "Death will come to whomever enters here." I could command Death. I can start every morning by looking Death in the face. I could laugh at Death. I could be licked in the face by Death. I could have Death attack people.

    Of course, in order for this to really work, it would have to be an extremely friendly and upbeat dog. Just for the humor factor. Calling a Rotweiller or a pitbull "Death" is just too obvious. I know of a beagle that would be a good candidate, though.

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