JOKES!!!

[radstar]

hehe.... would ya like to play w/ death?

or run around the neighborhood yelling "I can't find Death!!!"

[corfy]

Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Nissan 350-Z was the car to get.

So the snail goes to the nearest Nissan dealer and says he wants to buy the 350-Z, but he wants it repainted '350-S'.

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by they'd say......

........"Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

[radstar]

What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?

A. Three...the rest are all true.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are lawyers buried 10 feet underground?

Because deep down, they're really not that bad!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

A: Their personalities.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

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A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’

So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?”

The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

A snake and a lawyer both got hit by a car. What's the difference between em?

The snake had skid marks in front of him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?

Pollution.

What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?

Solution.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[Kn'thrak]

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


How To Shower Like A Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ***, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom and fan light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes getting dressed.

[redbear]

SERVICE ...




At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the
meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for
other people. Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Civil Service

Service Stations

Customer Service

City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not
what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of
them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of
his cows.





SHAZAM!!

It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all
those "service" agencies are doing to us...

[redbear]

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday. And there I sat... on the couch... naked.

[redbear]

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember." The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go change." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And there I sat...

on the couch...

naked.

[redbear]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated
boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his
boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He
spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from
the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of
the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died
suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few
things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for
John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel
terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no!
Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she
smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had
a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.
Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like
crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to
those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her
anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and
she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

[redbear]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar.
Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking
lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what
seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles,
the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the
horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few
inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more
minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out
of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[redbear]

Lost with Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its "Got Milk?" campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was "Are you lactating?"

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called "Cue" in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."

Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name "Pavian" to suggest French chic...but "pavian" means "baboon" in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan "finger lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off"

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is f - which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, "Avoid Embarrassment - Use Quink" into Spanish as "Evite Embarazos - Use Quink"...which also means, "Avoid Pregnancy - Use Quink."

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

In Italy, a campaign for "Schweppes Tonic Water" translated the name into the much less thirst quenching "Schweppes Toilet Water."

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn't until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax," depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with "ko-kou-ko-le" which translates roughly to the much more appropriate "happiness in the mouth."

Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that "Pinto" is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals." Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with "Corcel" which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its "Big John" products as "Gros Jos." It later found out that the phrase is slang for "big breasts."

[radstar]

Marriage in the Animal World

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=49802">

[radstar]

this is a real picture!!
from a German parade... hehe

<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=49808">

if you can't tell.... that's supposed to be Bill Clinton but i'm sure you can tell just by looking at the hands.

[redbear]

Ever wondered where the characters go when you use your backspace or delete key on your PC while you type?

Characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."

The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.

The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.

IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

[carl]

Kevin Spacey, George Bush, The Pope and a 10 year old boy are all on a plane together. The plane starts to suffer engine trouble and is about to crash into the mountains but unfortunately there's only 3 parachutes.

Kevin Spacey steps forward. "I am the worlds greatest actor. It would be a crime to deny the movie world my talents so I should live on." So he grabs a pack and jumps out.

George Bush steps up. "I am the most intelligent president in history. america needs my guidence so I should live on." So he grabs a pack and jumps out.

The pope steps up. "Son" he says to the kid. "I have lived a long and good life. It's about time for my time to come, you should take the parachute."
The boy replies. "Don't worry father, history's most intelligent president just jumped out of a plane with my satchel!"

[radstar]

i swear it's not mine baby....
i received this freakin ad in my email
<img src ="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=50662">