JOKES!!!

[Gaumont]

<strong>Stonecutter's Song</strong>
Who control's the british pound?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!

Who leaves Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!

Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Gutenberg, a star?
We do! We do!

Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every oscar night?
We do! We do!

[Gaumont]

<strong>JOB REJECTION</strong>
Dear Sir:
A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we have not heard back from you that you completely understand that you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and never will be.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by now we would have been forced to let you go.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains you want in your new office . . . . Wait, we made a mistake. You're the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and send this letter to you anyway.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had a job? Just curious.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
As you may have read in the newspaper, our company has been crippled by a union strike, and we have had to call in outside, freelance help, for which we are paying many times the normal salary. We just thought you should know that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department


Dear Sir:
It has come to our attention that an employee in our department has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut." (Some of us think he said "like a peanut," but most think he said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

[Gaumont]

<strong>50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator</strong>
1. Make racecar noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'

4. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'

9. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: 'Noogie patrol coming!'

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft
go 'plink' at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'

18. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go’ then sigh and say 'oops!'

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says 'human head' on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, 'You're one of THEM!' and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say 'mmmm...tasty!'

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask passengers getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: 'Wanna see wha in muh mouf?'

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: 'I must find a more suitable host body.'

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'

[Gaumont]

<strong>50 Fun Things To Do At Wal*Mart</strong>

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, 'I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares,' and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to '10'.

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, 'Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!...' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, 'Who BUYS this crap, anyway?'

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewellery department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a 'test drive.'

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, looks mesmerized and say, 'Wow. Magic!'

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move 'Caution: Wet Floor' signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can 'catch' from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, '...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat cave!'

26. TeePee as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighbouring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell 'boobless' upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people just leave me alone?'

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, 'Red Rover!'

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., 'Do you have any Shnerples here?'

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly 'test' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission: Impossible.'

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, 'Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?'

41. Set up a 'Valet Parking' sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: 'Marco Polo.'

43. Leave Cheerio’s in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. 'Re-alphabetize' the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your 'Madonna' look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the foetal position and scream,’ No, no! It's those voices again!'

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[Gaumont]

FDA warnings: Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer Brewers
have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your *** kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

[radstar]

not a joke but i thought this wuz funny...

reminds me of phoebe from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Gaumont]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[radstar]

Originally posted by Gaumont
NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyeslook glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

hehe you got this from a T-Shirt from Gadzooks, didn't ya? funny stuff

[radstar]

look at the banners for Gadzooks.....

[Gaumont]

Originally posted by radstar
hehe you got this from a T-Shirt from Gadzooks, didn't ya? funny stuff

have no clue what Gadzooks is. Got it from a friend. =)

[radstar]

Originally posted by Gaumont
have no clue what Gadzooks is. Got it from a friend. =)

oh okay...
Gadzooks is a clothing store here in the US of A,
well at least in Texas
they have t-shirts w/ funny stuff on them

my fave is:
"It's only funny until someone gets hurt,
but then it's HILARIOUS!!!"

[Gaumont]

<img src="http://www.movie-list.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=51919">

[redbear]

Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...?
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's *** came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have
preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a Horse's a$$.

And you thought being a horse's a$$ wasn't important

[trailergod]

Originally posted by Gaumont
These are actual excuse notes from parents
(Including original spelling)
Collected by Nisheeth Parekh
University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

---------------------------------

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fev er. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

LOL !!!

[radstar]

BLONDES JOKE!!!! (gotta love them)

What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

Not everyone's been in a 747!

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?

She can't find the eleven.

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Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a blonde who has dyed her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

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A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops - especially cops with their lights on. After they've been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she's seen any cops.
"Yes," says the blonde.

"Are their lights on?"

The blonde has to think for a moment, then says, "Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

How does a blonde turn the light on after having sex.

She kicks the car door open.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a blonde's neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time.
''I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!''

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What is a blonde's mating call?

''NEXT!''

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why did the blonde keep taking off and putting the Pepsi bottle cap back on?

A: Because it said, ''Sorry, try again.''