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Thread: JOKES!!!

  1. #151
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    the one above (RedBears)
    <img src="http://www.rwittschen.com/temp_stuff/crazy1.jpg" height="480" width="640">
    Last edited by Gaumont; 10-06-2003 at 01:11 PM.
    "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan

  2. #152
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    Good Translation!
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    Last edited by Gaumont; 10-06-2003 at 01:09 PM.

  3. #153
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    1. You can name everyone you graduated with.


    2. You know what 4-H is.


    3. You went to parties at a pasture, barn, gravel pit, or in the middle of a dirt road. On Monday you could
    always tell who was at the party because of the scratches on their legs from running through the weeds when the party was busted, see #6.


    4. You used to "drag" Main.


    5. You said a bad word and your parents knew within the hour.


    6. You scheduled parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't.


    7. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were
    old enough they'd tell your parents anyhow).


    8. When you did find somebody old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still have to go out
    into the country and drive on back roads to smoke them.


    9. You knew which section of ditch to find the beer your buyer dropped off.


    10. It was cool to date somebody from the neighboring town.


    11. The whole school went to the same party after graduation.


    12. You don't give directions by street names, but by references. Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks east to Anderson's and its four houses left of the track field.


    13. The golf course had only 9 holes.


    14. You can't help but date a friend's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.


    15. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

    16. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but it is actually just like your town.


    17. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich" people.

    18. The people in the "big city" dress funny then you pick up the trend 2 years later.

    19. Anyone you want can be found and the local gas station or the town pub.


    20. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town or one of you friends drives a
    grain truck to school occasionally.

    21. The gym teacher suggests you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.


    22. Directions are given using THE stop light as a reference.


    23. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask you if you want a ride
    somewhere.


    24. Your teachers call you by your older sibling's names.


    25. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.


    26. You can charge at all the local stores or write checks without any ID.


    27. The closest McDonalds is 45 miles away (or more).


    28. The closest mall is over an hour away.


    29. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower. (just hope it isn't your
    father!!)


    30. You've peed in a cornfield.


    31. Most people go by a nickname.


    32. You laugh your butt off reading this because you know it is all true and you forward it to everyone who lives in your town (because you know them all)!!

  4. #154
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    SPEEDING ALONG

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
    State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks
    to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns
    on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies;
    two in the front seat and three in the back--- eyes wide, and white as
    ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
    understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should
    know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other
    drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing the
    speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
    proudly.

    The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her
    that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
    pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to ask...
    Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven'tmuttered a single peep this whole time."

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route119...

  5. #155
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    gorilla removal

    A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree.
    He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a
    stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

    "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner. "I'm going to climb the tree
    and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. The
    trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when
    the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you
    slap on the handcuffs."

    "Got it", the homeowner replied. "But what's the shotgun for?"

    "IF I fall out of the tree before the gorilla. Shoot the Chihuahua."
    "I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone …
    but they've always worked for me,"

    Hunter S.Thompson

  6. #156
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    <img src="http://www.lanoux.com/fark/f7.jpg">
    <br><br><img src="http://holidaygallery.net/fark/maria.gif">

  7. #157
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    There Are Only Two Types Of Ships: Submarines and Targets.

  8. #158
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    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
    After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman.

    Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

    The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign!"

    The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

    Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

    The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

    The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

    The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

  9. #159
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    HER STORY:
    He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

    I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!

    So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.

    I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

    HIS STORY:

    Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

  10. #160
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    10 Things I have learned from my children....


    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

    2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

    3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

    8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

    10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

    11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12. Super glue is forever.

    13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

    14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

    16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

    18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

    19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

    20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

    22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:


    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
    Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,
    "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
    straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
    One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"
    The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.





    25.60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

  11. #161
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    <embed width="330" height="260" src="http://student.thu.edu.tw/~s892854/fahrschule.swf">

    ->: URL to DL swf file:
    http://student.thu.edu.tw/~s892854/fahrschule.swf

  12. #162
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    If planes could talk:
    ------------------------------------

    F-15: "Iam better than you"

    F-14: "does anyone have any jumper cables?"

    B-52: "Please let me die, why do you keep making me work, damn it just pull the plug."

    F-5: "Why can't I have a frontline job too?"

    F-18: "Wow, I get to carry two bombs today"

    F-16: "five dollars on pump 7"

    B-2: "Oh no! Is it raining?"

    B-1: "Hey I got two engines working today, yeeha!"

    F-18E:"slow and steady, wins the race, I think?....."

    AV-8: "Look what I can do!"

    F-117: "OK, I'll deliver the goods around back, don't worry, you won't even know Iam there."

    F/A-22: "Which duma$$ put A in my title, I'll be damn if I drop the frist bomb."

    C-130: "Helos, what good have they done for anyone."

    CH-41: "Ha,I bet the C-130 can't land here."

    KC-135:"This job sucks."

    A-10: "Iam hungry"

    C-141:"Why can't the C-17 do it?"

    S-3: "Why am I here again?"

    P-3: "Why am I here again?"

    E-3: "I see you........"

    A-4: "Some day I gonna eat all my spiniach and become all big and strong."

    Mirage 2000: "Ooo girl, you look great in that dress, if I was straight I'd be all over you."

    V-22 Osprey: "I'm confused..." or "You want me to do WHAT !!??"

  13. #163
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    (i love that driving lesson thing from red bear...ive played that a numerous amount of times...love it)

  14. #164
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    WASTED PUSSY


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