Thanks Thanks:  0
Results 1 to 10 of 10
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    1,467
    Credits
    1,065

    First Matrix Reloaded Review on the Planet/SPOILERS

    from Aintitcool.com

    It is an honor and a privilege to present the first review anywhere for THE MATRIX RELOADED, a pleasure that is compounded only by the karmically-perfect concept that it is none other than Neill Cumpston who has seen it first.
    For those of you not familiar with the Noel Coward-like urbane wit of Mr. Cumpston, you should read his BLADE 2 or X-MEN 2 reviews.
    And buckle up. This is a pretty wild ride.
    MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ***-KICKING
    Jim-Jammity Jesus Krispy Kreme Christ on a twat-rocket, this movie blew me apart and put me back together only after I’d got put back I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock). I will see it ten times and if I see Star Wars George or that gay Batman director butt-hole any time during the ten screenings here comes Mr. Punch.

    This is the sequel to the MATRIX Movie that came out four years ago and after seeing it I can say I could have waited another four years it is that ****ing good. This movie is a pillowcase with soda cans inside that beats the living mule-**** out of you but you’re all like, “Bring it on honky tonk” because the beating feels like summer and Halloween and Cheetos at the same time. This movie is Mad Max’s shotgun-gun from ROAD WARRIOR, only it shoots ***-kicking only at jocks. This movie is tits!

    WARNING: THIS PARAGRAPH IS ABOUT THE PLOT AND IT’S BORING AND THERE’S NO ***-KICKING IN IT BUT I USE THE WORD “****” THREE TIMES TO HELP GET THROUGH IT
    I still don’t get the plot of the first one, and this one’s all talking about “choices” (over and over again to where you think you’re watching that ****ing Chicktime network) and “prophecies” and especially words like “anomaly” and “exile” (and who the **** even knows what those words mean?) and there’s this long speech at the end that I also didn’t get. Also, you find out all this deep stuff, like about The Cookie Lady from the first movie and they introduce all these other characters like a Key Guy and a Frenchie Dude and another Frenchie but guess what it’s okay ‘cuz the other Frenchie’s a chick and she’s got cleavage you could hide a rump roast in and also this ex-girlfriend of Murphus and there’s this new guy on the ship flying it around, I think he’s from OZ (don’t worry, no butt rape). And Neo and Memento Babe are all PDA every second, and they also “do it” and one time I thought I saw Memento Babe’s nip but it was one of those metal ring things that everyone’s got on ‘em so no jacking off when the DVD comes out.

    NOW ALL ***-KICKING UNTIL THE END
    So that’s the plot but here’s the thing: you could wear headphones and listen to Dio during this whole movie and you wouldn’t miss anything, there’s so much ***-kicking going on. That Smith Dude is back, only now he can make more Smith Dudes and do they each know how to kick ***? Like a Heroclix collector knows how to not get pussy. Plus he’s got this other ability that’s really ****ing scary and I think it might have something to do with the next movie.

    ***-KICKING #1: Neo fights those Blues Brothers-looking dudes and it’s pretty ****ing cool. But it’s just a teaser, like when they have pictures of the food at Jack in the Box, and the tacos look all good in the picture, but then you get some and they look like they got pooped out of a pig. But you eat ‘em because there’s fries coming. In this movie there’s ALWAYS fries coming. 6.

    HEADS UP: There’s a lot of boring stuff between ***-Kicking 1 and 2. There’s a sermon by the dude who was in OMEGA MAN, and this underground dance thing that looks like if Pottery Barn had a rave on the Planet of the Gay Apes – but the rave thing is where Neo and Memento Babe “do it”. I am bringing my headphones when I see this again on the 15th.

    ***-KICKING #2: Neo and a Kung Fu Phooey go at it in a picnic restaurant. They kick over a big thing of chopsticks, which is kind of cool, and Kung Fu Phooey wears these cool little sunglasses, but that’s it. 5. And then Neo and Cookie Lady talk. Then chiggity-check your rectum ‘cuz here comes:

    ***-KICKING #2: This fight on a playground where like a hundred Smith Dudes are whomping on Neo like a fat girl eating Fiddle Faddle – it’s that intense. Holy ****. The thing goes on for like five minutes and just when you’re thinking, “**** you Star Wars George” it goes on for another five minutes and then Neo flies away like that Greatest American Hero dude. 10.

    ***-KICKING #3: Neo, Murphus and Memento Babe go to a French restaurant in the Matrix and there’s this French dick and you’re thinking, “**** you for not supporting us against Egypt”, and then Neo goes whomp-*** happy on the dude’s cohorts while Murphus and Trinity free this Key Dude and fight these Edgar Winter guys with dreadlocks who can turn into ghosts. 8.

    HERE’S WHERE I WISH THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE ONLY HAD THE WORDS “HOLY” “****ING” AND “****”
    ***-KICKING #4 – 28: That’s right, this next scene feels like 24 ***-kickings. Seriously, the rest of the summer is going to suck busboy cock for ketchup packets compared to this scene.

    HOLY
    Murphus and Memento Babe have to escape on a huge freeway (which is a no-no in the Matrix; “It’s suicide!” says Memento Babe, or something like that I can’t remember for sure) while the Ghost Guys chase them, plus the Smiths, who keep taking over the drivers on the freeway and they’re shooting and everything’s blowing up for miles and

    ****ING
    Memento Babe has to go against the traffic on a ****ing motorcycle and they keep trying to smash her and Murphus takes out the Ghost Guys in this totally cool way and the ****ing samurai sword and the head-on crash and

    !!!****!!!
    the ****ing Blues Brothers guys and razors and swordfight on top of a truck and Memento Babe flying through the air and out of nowhere Neo and I am out!!of!!cum!! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10

    And there’s a whole other ***-kicking after this, which I can barely remember because, seriously, that ****ing chase scene. It’s now #2 on my list of all-time chases, ahead of ARK RAIDERS, where Blade Runner gets dragged behind the Nazi truck (#5), and then DYING IN LOS ANGELES, where CSI is driving the car against the traffic (#4) and then TAXI RONIN, where Taxi Driver guy goes the wrong way down that French tunnel, and also because they keep running over French people (#3), and now MATRIX, right behind BANDIT AND THE FAT GAY GUY 2, where all the police cars and all the trucks play chicken out in the desert (#1).

    Neo needs to fight Blade and that fat bald guy from STIR CRAZY.

    Then Murphus and Neo and Memento Babe try to raid some sort of central something, like the CPU in TRON, something like that. Smith Dude re-appears, Neo has a talk with a new character, someone dies and someone’s reborn. Then something gets destroyed (good), something else gets destroyed (bad), and Neo discovers a new power. Then something BIG gets destroyed (really really bad), and someone lives who shouldn’t.

    MY HINT: Stay through the credits and you get to see a trailer for MATRIX: YOU WILL ****, the third movie.

    That’s it. Best movie of the year. I still want to see HULK-MAN and the werewolf thing and I think there’s something where you get to see a hot Asian’s boobs, but they’re not going to get close to this one. Here’s my blurb if they’re putting blurbs in ads:

    “MATRIX: KINGDOM OF ***-KICKING is like if all of Anthrax’s albums formed into a hot chick who had to **** you ten times a day or she gets pee-cancer.”


    I THink the Hype for this Movie is not overhyped...
    I Only Read a couple of WOrds of the Review and it sounds ****ing Amazing

    One of His Opinion.....
    I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock)......Matrix King of A** Kicking
    whatever that will mean......
    Last edited by Matrix; 05-01-2003 at 10:33 AM.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    76
    Credits
    1,105

    Red face Ohhh the urge!

    I am soooooooooo tempted to read this. But, I vowed to block out all Matrix Reloaded stuff till the movie comes out. I must not look...it is too tempting...I must not look...

  3. #3
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    germany
    Posts
    4,028
    Credits
    1,105

    Re: First Matrix Reloaded Review on the Planet/SPOILERS

    Originally posted by Matrix
    [B


    whatever that will mean...... [/B]

    it means Harry and his friends at Ain't It Cool News are the most immature as'shats of the entertainment internet... they dont know how to make proper reviews/they are fanboys/ and the crowd there are one of the most disrespectful and heartless people i have read about on the internet..... they are the even worse than the posters at www.FARK.com ......
    http://img53.imageshack.us/img53/6324/fightclubmlzq1.jpg

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    1,467
    Credits
    1,065
    But everywhere they are talking about...
    aintitcool.com....so it isnt that bad...

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    Las Vegas, Nevada
    Posts
    1,443
    Credits
    1,150
    That was probably one of the worst written reviews I've ever read. Did the guy ever graduate high school? I actually had difficulty knowing what he was talking about between all the words like **** and *** and ******* (swear words).
    Our greatest accomplishments cannot be behind us, because our destiny lies above us. - Matthew Mcconaughey - Interstellar

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    1,467
    Credits
    1,065
    Originally posted by Granite
    That was probably one of the worst written reviews I've ever read. Did the guy ever graduate high school? I actually had difficulty knowing what he was talking about between all the words like **** and *** and ******* (swear words).
    Hm i havent read the whole thing...but he uses some nasty words...

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    1,467
    Credits
    1,065
    Here is another very interesting review without spoilers....


    May 2, 2003


    What Is The Matrix Reloaded?

    Let’s start from the ending. Watch the credits if you want to be like The Oracle, glimpsing the future.

    Enough tap dancing, I guess… I am not authorized to review the film, which is fair enough. I got to see the film in one of the best theaters in Los Angeles, the WB Steve Ross Theater. It’s where I first saw the original. I often remember the absolute shock I was in after seeing the film, running to the first publicist I saw, screaming, “Do you people know what you have here?!?!” They had figured it out just a few days earlier.

    Oh… forgot… you don’t care…

    The Matrix Reloaded is an extraordinary piece of film. It is, as were The Two Towers and The Empire Strikes Back, a true middle movie. It is a classic example of a series in which there was a vague idea of a trilogy, but that never really came together until after the success of the first film. (Remember when the two films were supposed to be a prequel and a sequel…The Animatrix fills that void.) As a result, the first movie had a classic beginning, middle and end. And it follows that the second film has a lot of splainin’ to do.

    This is very different than what Bryan Singer & Co. did with X2. Both films make the assumption that you already know the territory. But while X2 effectively raises the bar from the original, expanding further on the central theme, The Matrix Reloaded challenges the fans of the original film to catch up with an entirely new world within The Matrix Universe.

    If the original was about life inside The Matrix and coming to grips with it, the new film is about life outside of The Matrix and figuring out the future of humankind.

    There are no fewer than 10 major new characters, some of which get more screen time than others. There are many new rules of The Matrix, some of which are clear and some of which seem destined to become clearer over time.

    The effects for the film become the new standard, integrating reality with CG effects in more interesting and effective ways than ever before. I don’t want to discuss, now or until long after the film is in release, some of the CG effects, since some are relatively seamless and you shouldn’t spend your time at this movie trying to distinguish which shots are which. The weird part, however, is that for the first time I can ever remember, I noticed a few digital stuntmen the way that we used to have notice real stuntmen for so many years. At first, I thought they were real stuntmen, very effectively filling in, but slightly different than the actor involved.

    Of course, the big set pieces are absolutely breathtaking. You’ve seen the freeway chase and the multiple Smiths in the trailers. You don’t know the half of what those scenes offer. And there is more.

    Perhaps the greatest effect the Wachowskis use is casting. Once again, they have found some of America’s great underutilized actors and given them good roles. I don’t know whether you will find the joy I did when running into some of these surprising choices, but I am not going to ruin it for you. There is one cameo that I seemed to be the only person in this screening to notice… made me laugh out loud. Here’s a hint… he is more likely to be seen on Crossfire or Nightline than in a major summer action movie. And he doesn’t wear his glasses in the film. Great.

    The Wachowskis must have a hard time buying pants because their balls are so freakin’ huge. The first film’s clean, clear, undeniable answer to the question “What is The Matrix?” made the experience a brilliant puzzle that was not too complex to piece together by film’s end. Not so this time. The boys question everything we thought we knew the last time. And they add new ideas constantly throughout the film. And we don’t always get the answers.

    It is a bit like The Phantom Menace, in that Lucas was faced with both satisfying expectations and creating a new world for his vision that existed before the first film we all know and love so well. The Wachowskis make better choices, in my opinion, fearlessly exploring the dark side of the heroism that expressed itself in the first film. This is a masterstroke. If Neo was a religious icon of sorts, how would that effect him and those around him? How does Morpheus’ regal style play outside of the Nebukadnezar? Is Zion a paradise below earth? The Wachowskis answer those questions - and a lot more – in a very human way.

    You may remember the discussions of how much of a filmic pastiche the original film was. The brothers have left that behind here too. This is a film of a specific vision. There are a couple little homages, but nothing like the original. It is a significant leap of personal style… particularly when you consider how many of the flourishes from the original have been dumped because of how many people imitated them over the last few years.

    The thing that most grabbed me about Reloaded was how clearly the third act sets up even more major changes of tone in the final film. If the first film was inside The Matrix and this one is outside of The Matrix (even though there is a lot of time spent inside), I would bet that the third film is truly revolutionary, in the sense that the final film seems to be being set up as the most raw, most dirty, most emotional film of the trilogy.

    When we get there, The Matrix might be the greatest trilogy of all. The idea that we will be experiencing the climax of this story and the climax of Lord of the Rings in the same year is almost overwhelming. The funny thing is that although the series share many elements, they could not be more different at the core. Both are “save the human species” adventures. But Lord of the Rings is about the power of people coming together. And The Matrix is about the power of the individual and, eventually, the value of human love. The warmth of Rings makes it the Oscar favorite for next year. But these two trilogies will skip down the primrose path of time together as decades pass.

    So are you confused yet? I hope so. I don’t want to get in the way of your experience of this film. Or of my next viewing of the film. This is a definite 2 or 3 timer film. It is so much richer a pudding than the first film that some people are going to have to let their intellectual stomach settle a little after seeing it. It’s challenging that way. But it is a challenge that is going to blow people away.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    Sweden
    Posts
    1,576
    Credits
    1,105

    Re: First Matrix Reloaded Review on the Planet/SPOILERS

    Originally posted by Matrix
    [/spoiler]

    I THink the Hype for this Movie is not overhyped...
    I Only Read a couple of WOrds of the Review and it sounds ****ing Amazing

    One of His Opinion.....
    I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock)......Matrix King of A** Kicking
    whatever that will mean......
    agree with tisoy, this crap belongs in a locker-room not a review
    "A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    1,467
    Credits
    1,065
    Originally posted by Matrix
    Here is another very interesting review without spoilers....
    Well this Review is much better.....

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Posts
    1,694
    Credits
    1,085

    Re: First Matrix Reloaded Review on the Planet/SPOILERS

    Originally posted by Matrix
    [/spoiler]

    I THink the Hype for this Movie is not overhyped...
    I Only Read a couple of WOrds of the Review and it sounds ****ing Amazing

    One of His Opinion.....
    I felt like I had thirteen dicks and they’d all gotten blown by a surfer chick with 26 heads (2 mouths on each cock)......Matrix King of A** Kicking
    whatever that will mean......
    OK that guy is an idiot. I only got half way through but that "Review" was so badly written it makes my first review seem like a masterpiece. There's no spoilers though just a paragraph o mention the plot where bhe tells you that there's both masle and female characters.

    He seems toi be reviewing the trailer though.

Similar Threads

  1. Reloaded Q&A
    By trailergod in forum General Chatter - Movie Related
    Replies: 18
    Last Post: 06-06-2003, 06:26 AM
  2. The Matrix Reloaded Movie Summary (FULL OF SPOILERS)
    By J320 in forum General Chatter - Movie Related
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 05-09-2003, 03:22 AM
  3. Mega Update to Matrix Reloaded TV Spots!
    By Rufus in forum Trailer News
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 05-01-2003, 11:18 AM
  4. Matrix Reloaded Screensaver
    By trailergod in forum General Chatter - Movie Related
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 04-20-2003, 09:43 AM
  5. Matrix Reloaded Review -- MASSIVE SPOILERS HERE
    By Mischa in forum General Chatter - Movie Related
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-01-2003, 11:05 AM

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •