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The Fellowship of the Ring Breadbox Edition (parody)
Read these breadbox editions in another forum and RAOFL
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LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION
THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS
FADE IN (SORT OF):
EXT/INT. DARKNESS
NARRATOR
Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of
ruling the world via some rings.
SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.
NARRATOR
Not everyone was thrilled with this idea,
so there was a war.
Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks pissy.
NARRATOR
Sauron had the One Ring and was
therefore whacking people left and right.
SAURON kicks the *** of ISILDUR’S FATHER and menaces the hell out of ISILDUR.
NARRATOR
But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward
Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped
it off.
First of many shots of SAURON’S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.
NARRATOR
Isildur could have destroyed it then and there,
but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it.
The Ring was not happy with this and quickly
arranged Isildur’s death.
RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.
RING
Well, this is inconvenient.
NARRATOR
And everyone pretty much forgot about the
extremely important war.
GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.
NARRATOR
The Ring did wonders for Gollum’s social life.
GOLLULM
Precioussss….
RING
Hoo boy.
BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.
NARRATOR
Which brings us to…Now.
EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE
FRODO
Hi there. I’m extremely adorable.
GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.
GANDALF
Hello, Frodo. Why don’t I
not tell you things.
FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.
GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.
BILBO
I’m going to say some vaguely
disturbing things while Gandalf
engages in some slapstick.
GANDALF smacks his HEAD.
GANDALF
Let’s have a smoke.
AUDIENCE
I was gonna go research the Ring
But then I got high.
I was gonna destroy the bloody thing
But then I got high.
Now the world is in imminent danger
And I know why.
Because I got high, because I got high,
Because I got high.
EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY
BILBO
We need to make several clever
references to The Hobbit.
MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.
BILBO
Now, I will make an insulting speech
that no one will understand
because you can barely add fractions.
God, I’m clever.
BILBO’S EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.
GANDALF
Oh, for heaven’s sake.
GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.
BILBO
Remember those vaguely disturbing
things I said earlier? Now I’m going to
say some blatantly disturbing things.
GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.
BILBO
Okay, I won’t do that freaky thing
with my eyes again.
GANDALF
Leave the Ring for Frodo. I’m sure
he won’t mind having to keep the
evil object.
BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.
BILBO
The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began…
Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…
BORK, BORK, BORK!
GANDALF
I’m going to wait for Frodo to come
home so I can not tell him things.
FRODO
I’m home! Why do we keep having
extreme close-ups of Bilbo’s ring?
GANDALF
I can’t tell you that.
GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.
EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR
GOLLUM
Shire…Baggins!
The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.
EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE
FRODO
La, la, la. Life is good. Nothing
can possibly go wrong.
GANDALF
BOO!
FRODO
Oh, ****.
GANDALF
The Ring is evil.
RING
Hey, I’m in the room!
GANDALF
You have to go. Gollum told
everyone.
GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didn’t need to see.
GANDALF
I’m going to see the obviously
evil Saruman.
FRODO
That’s great. I’m sure you’ll
be captured and I’ll waste time
waiting for you.
GANDALF
Hmm…You can’t go alone, so…
GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.
SAM
Ack! Gardening! At night!
GANDALF
Whatever. I need someone
to obsess about Frodo.
SAM
I’m your man.
GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.
FRODO
The excessively creepy black rider is
coming! Hide!
BLACK RIDER
Dammit, why can’t I find this
Baggins place?
RING
Hey, you! I’m down here!
Frodo, put on the Ring!
FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.
BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.
THE HOBBITS run like hell to the FERRY.
BLACK RIDER
Hey! You! Can I get directions?
FRODO
Argh!
BLACK RIDER
Wait! I need help here!
FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.
INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
GANDALF
I need your help.
SARUMAN
Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.
GANDALF
Despite your creepy demeanor, I’m going
to reveal some secrets.
SARUMAN
I work for Sauron.
GANDALF
You are the wisest of the Wise.
SARUMAN
I’m evil.
GANDALF
I trust you implicitly.
SARUMAN
I’ll make you break dance.
GANDALF
You ARE evil!
GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.
EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE
FRODO
Gandalf isn’t here. I wonder why.
MERRY
Let’s get drunk!
PIPPIN
I see no reason why not.
RING
Those damn Ringwraiths are lost again.
Frodo, put me on so the Eye can
give them directions.
FRODO
Ack! Now I must look sad and tormented.
And adorable.
PIPPIN does something stupid. FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls. RING lands directly on his finger.
RING
Score! I thought that was going to
take weeks!
FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.
EYE OF SAURON
ROAR! I…My god, your eyes are blue!
FRODO
Well, I am adorable.
BLACK RIDERS
Oh, so it was someone named Baggins
in the land of Shire!
BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.
-
FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.
STRIDER
There’s been enough adorability.
Time for some rugged handsomeness
from Strider the Ranger.
AUDIENCE
Tyrannosaurus Rex!
SAM
Frodo’s been out of my sight for three seconds!
STRIDER
I’ve come to guide you to the next plot point.
We need to set it up so the audience thinks
the Black Riders are killing you, while you
are actually somewhere safe with me.
BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown. INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled. BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.
AUDIENCE
Enough already!
STRIDER
Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.
FRODO
You didn’t pretend it was Strider for
very long.
ARAGORN
Well, multiple names are cumbersome.
Just ask Mithrandir.
SAM
Who?
EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT
ARAGORN
I’m going to conveniently wander off.
FRODO
I’m going to conveniently go to sleep.
Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.
BLACK RIDERS
Oh, there they are!
AUDIENCE
You guys aren’t very bright, are you?
BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS. It’s all very creepy and scary. FRODO falls.
AUDIENCE
Oh, for the love of…
BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.
AUDIENCE
Noooo! Will his cuteness suffer?
FRODO
No, I’m just going to get cloudy contacts,
varicose veins and start making funny
noises, but I’ll still be the cutest thing
you’ve ever seen.
ARAGORN manages to show up.
SAM
It’s about time.
ARAGORN
Sorry, traffic.
ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.
BLACK RIDERS
Fire bad!
There is one BLACK RIDER left. ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.
BLACK RIDER
Well, I’ll just be going then.
EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS
GLORFINDEL
Well, it’s just about time for
me to go save Frodo.
Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.
ARWEN
Sorry, Glory. It’s my time.
ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.
ARWEN
Hi, honey. I’m here to save you.
ARAGORN
Arwen! I’m glad to see you.
But, where’s Glorfindel?
ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.
ARWEN
Beats me.
ARAGORN
Oh well. Can you save Frodo?
ARWEN
Like, fer sure!
ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.
BLACK RIDERS
Hey, you can’t take him! We stamped
him ourselves!
ARWEN
Like, come get him, dorkwads!
ARWEN steals her FATHER’S JOB and starts the flood herself.
BLACK RIDERS
ARGH! First fire, now water!
Nature sucks!
FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.
INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL
FRODO
No, I hate Baroque! What?
Where am I?
GANDALF
Hi, Frodo.
FRODO
Gandalf! Where the hell were you?
GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.
EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.
SARUMAN
Idiot! Of course I’m evil!
But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the BIG-*** EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.
END FLASHBACK
FRODO
Um…Gandalf? Hello?
GANDALF
I’m sorry, what? You know I can’t
tell you anything. Say hello to Elrond.
3000 years later, ELROND still looks pissy.
GANDALF
And Bilbo.
BILBO looks like he’s been put in an OVEN for a while.
FRODO
Wow, you got old quick.
BILBO
It’s one of those vaguely disturbing things
from the beginning.
FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.
GANDALF
Now what?
ELROND
Now we will have a flashback to explain
why I look so pissy all the time.
The FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK starts again, this time from ELROND’S POV. ISILDUR refuses to give up THE RING. Again.
AUDIENCE
Yes, we know.
EXT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL
LEGOLAS and UNIMPORTANT ELVES arrive.
GIMLI and UNIMPORTANT DWARVES arrive.
BOROMIR and THE OLD GUYS OF GONDOR arrive.
BOROMIR studies the picture of SAURON offering to make ISILDUR Julian fries with his headgear. Then, BOROMIR disrespects the SWORD-THAT-WAS-BROKEN that others obviously revere.
BOROMIR
There, I think that establishes some
tension between Aragorn and myself.
ARWEN
Don’t let him get to you honey.
Let’s have a saccharine moment.
AUDIENCE
<pukes>
INT. THE NOT-SO-SECRET COUNCIL OF ELROND
BOROMIR
I will further establish myself as trouble.
LEGOLAS
I will go on the offense.
GIMLI
I will get indignant.
ELROND
We must get rid of the Ring.
RING
Just try it, Pissy Boy.
GIMLI tries to break the RING, but only succeeds in shattering his AX and giving FRODO a headache.
ELROND
The Ring can only be destroyed where
it was made. In Mordor.
AUDIENCE
That’s convenient.
ELROND
So, who wants to die?
FRODO
I’ll go. Better than listening to
The Ring reciting that damn poem
over and over again.
GANDALF
You’ll need an old guy.
LEGOLAS
And my ability to be delicious without
being fey.
GIMLI
AUCH! And my accent.
ARAGORN
I must go to assuage my self-doubt.
BOROMIR
Well, you need some conflict, so
I’ll go too.
SAM
And if I lose sight of Frodo, I’ll panic.
MERRY AND PIPPIN
Hey, you’ll need comic relief!
ELROND
At least we’ll only lose one elf.
INT. BILBO’S ROOM
BILBO
Do you think I could possibly,
you know, see the Ring?
FRODO
I’m not sure if that’s such a good…
BILBO spontaneously turns into GOLLUM.
AUDIENCE
HOLY ****!
FRODO
Okay, time to leave.
EXT. PLACES THEY AREN’T GOING
GANDALF
We can’t go this way.
AUDIENCE
Well, that was a waste of time.
EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
SOME ORC
What does The Eye want now?
SARUMAN
We need to create the mutant from Small
Soldiers and pull down some trees to
guarantee the animosity of the Ents.
AUDIENCE
Cut your nails!
EXT. MORIA, OR THE REALLY BAD PLACE
GANDALF can’t figure out how to open a door.
PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.
SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, world’s most underrated character.
FRODO figures out the riddle that GANDALF missed and the door opens.
AUDIENCE
<throws their arms in the air>
Turns out, there are LOTS O’ DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA.
BOROMIR
This is not encouraging.
AN EVIL THING immediately goes after FRODO.
AUDIENCE
It’s the giant squid from
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!
GIANT SQUID traps everyone in MORIA.
AUDIENCE
That’s convenient.
LOTS OF DARK SHOTS.
FRODO
Hey, isn’t that Gollum?
Too bad he’s not dead.
GANDALF
Don’t be judgmental.
FRODO
Yeah, but if Gollum were dead, Mordor
wouldn’t know we had the Ring and
all this would be a moot point.
GANDALF
Shut up. He’s some part yet to play.
AUDIENCE
<bites at the air>
GIMLI discovers the BODY OF A KINSMAN and get EMOTIONAL.
LEGOLAS
Must…move…on.
AUDIENCE
Really.
PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.
ORCS appear for the FIGHT SCENE. CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION.
NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the asses of dozens of ORCS.
CAVE TROLL bursts through the door.
-
AUDIENCE
Argh, Harry Potter flashbacks!
YET ANOTHER EVIL THING goes immediately for FRODO.
FRODO gets stabbed.
EVERYONE ELSE
Nooooo!
AUDIENCE
Not again!
Filled with RAGE at FRODO’S “death,” EVERYONE attacks the CAVE TROLL. Which dies. Twenty minutes later.
FRODO
I’m not quite dead yet.
EVERYONE runs like hell. They are pursued by the EVIL, RED LIGHT.
GANDALF
Come on, today folks!
EVERYONE runs like hell down the WINDING STAIRS. GIMLI thinks he can make a twenty-foot leap. Right.
The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them. It’s a BALROG.
GANDALF
Aw, hell.
GANDALF stops on the NARROW BRIDGE to keep the BALROG from following.
BALROG
Screw Gandalf! Where’s this Ralph
Bakshi guy?
GANDALF
None shall pass.
GANDALF takes the BRIDGE out. BALROG falls to its demise.
AUDIENCE
Does that thing have wings? If
so, why doesn’t it just fly?
BALROG takes GANDALF out.
GANDALF
I can manage to be insulting moments
away from death.
ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.
ARAGORN
Time to run like hell again.
EXT. THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD
HALDIR
Stupid dwarf.
GIMLI
AUCH! I must get indignant again!
CELEBORN
I’m a non-entity. Feel free to ignore me.
GALADRIAL
I’m creepy, vaguely threatening, not respecting
of others’ mental autonomy and I look like
Joan Osborn.
GALADRIAL creeps out FRODO.
INT. THE ENCHANTED VILLAGE OF THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD
GALADRIAL wanders by.
AUDIENCE
What if God was one of us?
FRODO follows GALADRIAL to check out her MIRROR, VANITY and DRESSING TABLE.
GALADRIAL
Mwhahaha. Want to see something
really scary?
THE EYE OF SAURON shows up again.
EYE OF SAURON
Hello? Anyone out there?
FRODO
My life is going to be miserable, isn’t it?
GALADRIAL
You can take one friend with you, and you
still have your adorability.
FRODO
That’s true. Do you want the Ring?
I feel obligated to ask everyone I meet.
GALADRIAL also puts on a LIGHT AND SHADOW SHOW.
GALADRIAL
Nope.
EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN
SARUMAN gives an inspirational pep talk to his ORCS.
SARUMAN
Give ‘em hell in the fourth quarter!
EXT. THE RIVER
ARAGORN
Thanks for the boats!
GALADRIAL gives FRODO light from a STAR and shows off her MANICURE.
GALADRIAL
Same guy who does Saruman.
MANY NICE NEW ZEALAND RIVER SHOTS.
ARAGORN
Look at the Argonath!
THE ARGONATH
Stop! In the Name of Love!
LEGOLAS
We need to stop so Boromir can attack
Frodo and so Gimli can rest.
GIMLI
AUCH! Indignation!
EXT. THE SHORE
FRODO
I’m going off alone!
ARAGORN
Later.
AUDIENCE
Frodo’s not too bright either.
RING
Psst. Boromir. C’mere.
BOROMIR
Hey, Frodo. What’s up? I was
wondering…
BOROMIR jumps FRODO. FRODO uses the RING to escape.
BOROMIR
D’oh!
FRODO runs like hell through the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS. THE EYE OF SAURON makes him fall. ARAGORN manages to show up.
FRODO
I’m leaving. Alone.
ARAGORN
What did that moron Boromir do?
FRODO
Never mind. Orcs!
CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION again.
There is an EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE while FRODO runs away. Alone.
ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI kick serious ***.
BOROMIR tries to protect MERRY and PIPPIN. He does a poor job and REFUSES to DIE. AUDIENCE is either IMPRESSED or LAUGHING.
ARAGORN saves BOROMIR. Sort of.
BOROMIR
Aragorn. I always loved you.
ARAGORN
Um…
BOROMIR finally DIES.
FRODO is ELSEWHERE, trying to escape alone. SAM is too paranoid and too crafty and manages to catch up.
SAM
I can’t let you leave my sight!
FRODO
Oh, for the love of…
FRODO saves SAM from DROWNING.
THE MOMENT
Hi there. Have some emotion.
I’ve got plenty for all.
THE MOVIE ENDS.
AUDIENCE
WHAT!? NOW?!
FRODO
Unless you want to sit through
another six hours.
AUDIENCE
YES!
ENYA ON SOUNDTRACK
Hmm…I just got my tranquilizer prescription
refilled. Must be time to write another album.
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