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  1. #1
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    The Fellowship of the Ring Breadbox Edition (parody)

    Read these breadbox editions in another forum and RAOFL

    ----------------------------------------------------
    LORD OF THE RINGS: BREADBOX EDITION

    THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RINGS



    FADE IN (SORT OF):



    EXT/INT. DARKNESS



    NARRATOR

    Once upon a time, Sauron got the great idea of

    ruling the world via some rings.



    SAURON, who looks like a kitchen appliance gone horribly wrong, shows off his flashy new jewelry.



    NARRATOR

    Not everyone was thrilled with this idea,

    so there was a war.



    Lots and lots of ELVES and MEN fighting ORCS. ELROND looks pissy.



    NARRATOR

    Sauron had the One Ring and was

    therefore whacking people left and right.



    SAURON kicks the *** of ISILDUR’S FATHER and menaces the hell out of ISILDUR.



    NARRATOR

    But, Sauron rather stupidly reached toward

    Isildur with his Ring hand and Isildur chopped

    it off.



    First of many shots of SAURON’S FALLING FINGER with THE RING.



    NARRATOR

    Isildur could have destroyed it then and there,

    but nooooo. He was a big dope and kept it.

    The Ring was not happy with this and quickly

    arranged Isildur’s death.



    RING calls in A HIT on ISILDUR. ISILDUR gets jumped by an ORC but somehow ends up in a RIVER with arrows in his back. RING ends up UNDERWATER.



    RING

    Well, this is inconvenient.



    NARRATOR

    And everyone pretty much forgot about the

    extremely important war.



    GOLLUM goes swimming and picks up a GIANT PEARL, I mean, THE RING.



    NARRATOR

    The Ring did wonders for Gollum’s social life.



    GOLLULM

    Precioussss….



    RING

    Hoo boy.



    BILBO finds THE RING. GOLLUM freaks.



    NARRATOR

    Which brings us to…Now.



    EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY SHIRE



    FRODO

    Hi there. I’m extremely adorable.



    GANDALF rides up, singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.



    GANDALF

    Hello, Frodo. Why don’t I

    not tell you things.



    FRODO laughs. It would behoove the AUDIENCE to remember this sound, as they will never hear it again.



    GANDALF randomly drops off FRODO and goes to see BILBO.



    BILBO

    I’m going to say some vaguely

    disturbing things while Gandalf

    engages in some slapstick.



    GANDALF smacks his HEAD.



    GANDALF

    Let’s have a smoke.



    AUDIENCE

    I was gonna go research the Ring

    But then I got high.

    I was gonna destroy the bloody thing

    But then I got high.

    Now the world is in imminent danger

    And I know why.

    Because I got high, because I got high,

    Because I got high.



    EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY PARTY



    BILBO

    We need to make several clever

    references to The Hobbit.



    MERRY and PIPPIN do something stupid, thus establishing themselves as COMIC RELIEF.



    BILBO

    Now, I will make an insulting speech

    that no one will understand

    because you can barely add fractions.

    God, I’m clever.



    BILBO’S EGO implodes, causing him to DISAPPEAR.



    GANDALF

    Oh, for heaven’s sake.



    GANDALF berates BILBO for wanting to keep THE RING.



    BILBO

    Remember those vaguely disturbing

    things I said earlier? Now I’m going to

    say some blatantly disturbing things.



    GANDALF talks BILBO down by putting on a LIGHT SHOW, or more to the point, A SHADOW SHOW.



    BILBO

    Okay, I won’t do that freaky thing

    with my eyes again.



    GANDALF

    Leave the Ring for Frodo. I’m sure

    he won’t mind having to keep the

    evil object.



    BILBO goes off, also singing the only poem they bothered to write a tune for.



    BILBO

    The Road goes ever on and on

    Down from the door where it began…

    Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…

    BORK, BORK, BORK!



    GANDALF

    I’m going to wait for Frodo to come

    home so I can not tell him things.



    FRODO

    I’m home! Why do we keep having

    extreme close-ups of Bilbo’s ring?



    GANDALF

    I can’t tell you that.



    GANDALF rides off to the CGI CITY OF MINAS TIRITH to have a FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK.



    EXT. THE CGI CITY OF BARAD-DUR



    GOLLUM

    Shire…Baggins!



    The EXCESSIVELY CREEPY BLACK RIDERS go off looking for someone named SHIRE in the land of BAGGINS.



    EXT. THE HAPPY, PERKY, BUT NOT FOR MUCH LONGER, SHIRE



    FRODO

    La, la, la. Life is good. Nothing

    can possibly go wrong.



    GANDALF

    BOO!



    FRODO

    Oh, ****.



    GANDALF

    The Ring is evil.



    RING

    Hey, I’m in the room!



    GANDALF

    You have to go. Gollum told

    everyone.



    GANDALF shows us a FLASHBACK we didn’t need to see.



    GANDALF

    I’m going to see the obviously

    evil Saruman.



    FRODO

    That’s great. I’m sure you’ll

    be captured and I’ll waste time

    waiting for you.



    GANDALF

    Hmm…You can’t go alone, so…



    GANDALF pulls SAM from thin air.



    SAM

    Ack! Gardening! At night!



    GANDALF

    Whatever. I need someone

    to obsess about Frodo.



    SAM

    I’m your man.



    GANDALF goes off to get captured and FRODO and SAM go off to find MERRY and PIPPIN doing something stupid.



    FRODO

    The excessively creepy black rider is

    coming! Hide!



    BLACK RIDER

    Dammit, why can’t I find this

    Baggins place?



    RING

    Hey, you! I’m down here!

    Frodo, put on the Ring!



    FRODO looks adorable while fighting off the RING.



    BLACK RIDER gets frustrated and screams like the SUBWAY ARRIVING.



    THE HOBBITS run like hell to the FERRY.



    BLACK RIDER

    Hey! You! Can I get directions?



    FRODO

    Argh!



    BLACK RIDER

    Wait! I need help here!



    FRODO leaps five whole feet onto the FERRY.



    INT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN



    GANDALF

    I need your help.



    SARUMAN

    Blegh. I vant to suck your blood.



    GANDALF

    Despite your creepy demeanor, I’m going

    to reveal some secrets.



    SARUMAN

    I work for Sauron.



    GANDALF

    You are the wisest of the Wise.



    SARUMAN

    I’m evil.



    GANDALF

    I trust you implicitly.



    SARUMAN

    I’ll make you break dance.



    GANDALF

    You ARE evil!



    GANDALF and SARUMAN have a really silly looking fight.



    EXT. THE TOWNSHIP OF BREE



    FRODO

    Gandalf isn’t here. I wonder why.



    MERRY

    Let’s get drunk!



    PIPPIN

    I see no reason why not.



    RING

    Those damn Ringwraiths are lost again.

    Frodo, put me on so the Eye can

    give them directions.



    FRODO

    Ack! Now I must look sad and tormented.

    And adorable.



    PIPPIN does something stupid. FRODO goes to stop him and, OOPS!, falls. RING lands directly on his finger.



    RING

    Score! I thought that was going to

    take weeks!



    FRODO appears in the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS.



    EYE OF SAURON

    ROAR! I…My god, your eyes are blue!



    FRODO

    Well, I am adorable.



    BLACK RIDERS

    Oh, so it was someone named Baggins

    in the land of Shire!



    BLACK RIDERS scream like NAILS ACROSS A BLACKBOARD.

  2. #2
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    FRODO pulls off the RING just in time to be molested by STRIDER.



    STRIDER

    There’s been enough adorability.

    Time for some rugged handsomeness

    from Strider the Ranger.



    AUDIENCE

    Tyrannosaurus Rex!



    SAM

    Frodo’s been out of my sight for three seconds!



    STRIDER

    I’ve come to guide you to the next plot point.

    We need to set it up so the audience thinks

    the Black Riders are killing you, while you

    are actually somewhere safe with me.



    BLACK RIDERS stab beds, while shots of SAM are shown. INFANTS and SMALL DOGS are not fooled. BLACK RIDERS scream like a CARNIVAL RIDE COMING TO A COMPLETE STOP.



    AUDIENCE

    Enough already!



    STRIDER

    Oh, my name is actually Aragorn.



    FRODO

    You didn’t pretend it was Strider for

    very long.



    ARAGORN

    Well, multiple names are cumbersome.

    Just ask Mithrandir.



    SAM

    Who?



    EXT. WEATHERTOP A.K.A., THE NEXT PLOT POINT



    ARAGORN

    I’m going to conveniently wander off.



    FRODO

    I’m going to conveniently go to sleep.



    Without supervision, PIPPIN immediately does something stupid.



    BLACK RIDERS

    Oh, there they are!



    AUDIENCE
    You guys aren’t very bright, are you?



    BLACK RIDERS surround the HOBBITS. It’s all very creepy and scary. FRODO falls.



    AUDIENCE

    Oh, for the love of…



    BLACK RIDER stabs FRODO.



    AUDIENCE

    Noooo! Will his cuteness suffer?



    FRODO

    No, I’m just going to get cloudy contacts,

    varicose veins and start making funny

    noises, but I’ll still be the cutest thing

    you’ve ever seen.



    ARAGORN manages to show up.



    SAM

    It’s about time.



    ARAGORN

    Sorry, traffic.



    ARAGORN whups the BLACK RIDERS with fire.



    BLACK RIDERS

    Fire bad!



    There is one BLACK RIDER left. ARAGORN throws the burning brand in his face.



    BLACK RIDER

    Well, I’ll just be going then.



    EXT. THE ENCHANTED WOODS



    GLORFINDEL

    Well, it’s just about time for

    me to go save Frodo.



    Suddenly, a SHOVEL thwacks GLORFINDEL across the back of his head. ARWEN is shown holding the SHOVEL.



    ARWEN

    Sorry, Glory. It’s my time.



    ARWEN unceremoniously dumps his body in a ditch somewhere with that of TOM BOMBADIL.



    ARWEN

    Hi, honey. I’m here to save you.



    ARAGORN

    Arwen! I’m glad to see you.

    But, where’s Glorfindel?



    ARWEN surreptitiously kicks some dirt on the bodies.



    ARWEN

    Beats me.



    ARAGORN

    Oh well. Can you save Frodo?



    ARWEN

    Like, fer sure!



    ARWEN grabs FRODO and rides like hell.



    BLACK RIDERS

    Hey, you can’t take him! We stamped

    him ourselves!



    ARWEN

    Like, come get him, dorkwads!



    ARWEN steals her FATHER’S JOB and starts the flood herself.



    BLACK RIDERS

    ARGH! First fire, now water!

    Nature sucks!



    FRODO passes out and has TRIPPY DREAMS about architecture.



    INT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL



    FRODO

    No, I hate Baroque! What?

    Where am I?



    GANDALF

    Hi, Frodo.



    FRODO

    Gandalf! Where the hell were you?



    GANDALF has a FLASHBACK.



    EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN



    SARUMAN beats up on GANDALF.



    SARUMAN

    Idiot! Of course I’m evil!



    But, because Gandalf can speak MOTH, he catches a ride on one of the BIG-*** EAGLES OF MIDDLE-EARTH.



    END FLASHBACK



    FRODO

    Um…Gandalf? Hello?



    GANDALF

    I’m sorry, what? You know I can’t

    tell you anything. Say hello to Elrond.



    3000 years later, ELROND still looks pissy.



    GANDALF

    And Bilbo.



    BILBO looks like he’s been put in an OVEN for a while.



    FRODO

    Wow, you got old quick.



    BILBO

    It’s one of those vaguely disturbing things

    from the beginning.



    FRODO gets some brief happiness before the really depressing part of the movie begins.



    GANDALF

    Now what?



    ELROND

    Now we will have a flashback to explain

    why I look so pissy all the time.



    The FLASHBACK of the FLASHBACK starts again, this time from ELROND’S POV. ISILDUR refuses to give up THE RING. Again.



    AUDIENCE

    Yes, we know.



    EXT. THE OVERBLOWN ELF CITY OF RIVENDELL



    LEGOLAS and UNIMPORTANT ELVES arrive.



    GIMLI and UNIMPORTANT DWARVES arrive.



    BOROMIR and THE OLD GUYS OF GONDOR arrive.



    BOROMIR studies the picture of SAURON offering to make ISILDUR Julian fries with his headgear. Then, BOROMIR disrespects the SWORD-THAT-WAS-BROKEN that others obviously revere.



    BOROMIR

    There, I think that establishes some

    tension between Aragorn and myself.



    ARWEN

    Don’t let him get to you honey.

    Let’s have a saccharine moment.



    AUDIENCE

    <pukes>



    INT. THE NOT-SO-SECRET COUNCIL OF ELROND



    BOROMIR

    I will further establish myself as trouble.



    LEGOLAS

    I will go on the offense.



    GIMLI

    I will get indignant.



    ELROND

    We must get rid of the Ring.



    RING

    Just try it, Pissy Boy.



    GIMLI tries to break the RING, but only succeeds in shattering his AX and giving FRODO a headache.



    ELROND

    The Ring can only be destroyed where

    it was made. In Mordor.



    AUDIENCE

    That’s convenient.



    ELROND

    So, who wants to die?



    FRODO

    I’ll go. Better than listening to

    The Ring reciting that damn poem

    over and over again.



    GANDALF

    You’ll need an old guy.



    LEGOLAS

    And my ability to be delicious without

    being fey.



    GIMLI

    AUCH! And my accent.



    ARAGORN

    I must go to assuage my self-doubt.



    BOROMIR

    Well, you need some conflict, so

    I’ll go too.



    SAM

    And if I lose sight of Frodo, I’ll panic.



    MERRY AND PIPPIN

    Hey, you’ll need comic relief!



    ELROND
    At least we’ll only lose one elf.



    INT. BILBO’S ROOM



    BILBO

    Do you think I could possibly,

    you know, see the Ring?



    FRODO

    I’m not sure if that’s such a good…



    BILBO spontaneously turns into GOLLUM.



    AUDIENCE

    HOLY ****!



    FRODO

    Okay, time to leave.



    EXT. PLACES THEY AREN’T GOING



    GANDALF

    We can’t go this way.



    AUDIENCE

    Well, that was a waste of time.



    EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN



    SOME ORC

    What does The Eye want now?



    SARUMAN

    We need to create the mutant from Small

    Soldiers and pull down some trees to

    guarantee the animosity of the Ents.



    AUDIENCE

    Cut your nails!



    EXT. MORIA, OR THE REALLY BAD PLACE



    GANDALF can’t figure out how to open a door.



    PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.



    SAM says goodbye to BILL THE PONY, world’s most underrated character.



    FRODO figures out the riddle that GANDALF missed and the door opens.



    AUDIENCE

    <throws their arms in the air>



    Turns out, there are LOTS O’ DEAD PEOPLE in MORIA.



    BOROMIR

    This is not encouraging.



    AN EVIL THING immediately goes after FRODO.



    AUDIENCE

    It’s the giant squid from

    20,000 Leagues Under the Sea!



    GIANT SQUID traps everyone in MORIA.



    AUDIENCE

    That’s convenient.



    LOTS OF DARK SHOTS.



    FRODO

    Hey, isn’t that Gollum?

    Too bad he’s not dead.



    GANDALF

    Don’t be judgmental.



    FRODO

    Yeah, but if Gollum were dead, Mordor

    wouldn’t know we had the Ring and

    all this would be a moot point.



    GANDALF

    Shut up. He’s some part yet to play.



    AUDIENCE

    <bites at the air>



    GIMLI discovers the BODY OF A KINSMAN and get EMOTIONAL.



    LEGOLAS

    Must…move…on.



    AUDIENCE

    Really.



    PIPPIN does something stupid and attracts the attention of EVIL.



    ORCS appear for the FIGHT SCENE. CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION.



    NINE PEOPLE utterly kick the asses of dozens of ORCS.



    CAVE TROLL bursts through the door.

  3. #3
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    AUDIENCE

    Argh, Harry Potter flashbacks!



    YET ANOTHER EVIL THING goes immediately for FRODO.



    FRODO gets stabbed.



    EVERYONE ELSE

    Nooooo!



    AUDIENCE

    Not again!



    Filled with RAGE at FRODO’S “death,” EVERYONE attacks the CAVE TROLL. Which dies. Twenty minutes later.



    FRODO

    I’m not quite dead yet.



    EVERYONE runs like hell. They are pursued by the EVIL, RED LIGHT.



    GANDALF

    Come on, today folks!



    EVERYONE runs like hell down the WINDING STAIRS. GIMLI thinks he can make a twenty-foot leap. Right.



    The EVIL, RED LIGHT catches up with them. It’s a BALROG.



    GANDALF

    Aw, hell.



    GANDALF stops on the NARROW BRIDGE to keep the BALROG from following.



    BALROG

    Screw Gandalf! Where’s this Ralph

    Bakshi guy?



    GANDALF

    None shall pass.



    GANDALF takes the BRIDGE out. BALROG falls to its demise.



    AUDIENCE

    Does that thing have wings? If

    so, why doesn’t it just fly?



    BALROG takes GANDALF out.



    GANDALF

    I can manage to be insulting moments

    away from death.



    ARAGORN and BOROMIR drag FRODO away from making a FOOL of HIMSELF.



    ARAGORN

    Time to run like hell again.



    EXT. THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD



    HALDIR

    Stupid dwarf.



    GIMLI

    AUCH! I must get indignant again!



    CELEBORN

    I’m a non-entity. Feel free to ignore me.



    GALADRIAL

    I’m creepy, vaguely threatening, not respecting

    of others’ mental autonomy and I look like

    Joan Osborn.



    GALADRIAL creeps out FRODO.



    INT. THE ENCHANTED VILLAGE OF THE EVEN MORE ENCHANTED WOOD



    GALADRIAL wanders by.



    AUDIENCE

    What if God was one of us?



    FRODO follows GALADRIAL to check out her MIRROR, VANITY and DRESSING TABLE.



    GALADRIAL

    Mwhahaha. Want to see something

    really scary?



    THE EYE OF SAURON shows up again.



    EYE OF SAURON

    Hello? Anyone out there?



    FRODO

    My life is going to be miserable, isn’t it?



    GALADRIAL

    You can take one friend with you, and you

    still have your adorability.



    FRODO

    That’s true. Do you want the Ring?

    I feel obligated to ask everyone I meet.



    GALADRIAL also puts on a LIGHT AND SHADOW SHOW.



    GALADRIAL

    Nope.





    EXT. ORTHANC, HOME OF THE OBVIOUSLY EVIL SARUMAN



    SARUMAN gives an inspirational pep talk to his ORCS.



    SARUMAN

    Give ‘em hell in the fourth quarter!



    EXT. THE RIVER



    ARAGORN

    Thanks for the boats!



    GALADRIAL gives FRODO light from a STAR and shows off her MANICURE.



    GALADRIAL

    Same guy who does Saruman.



    MANY NICE NEW ZEALAND RIVER SHOTS.



    ARAGORN

    Look at the Argonath!



    THE ARGONATH

    Stop! In the Name of Love!



    LEGOLAS

    We need to stop so Boromir can attack

    Frodo and so Gimli can rest.



    GIMLI

    AUCH! Indignation!



    EXT. THE SHORE



    FRODO

    I’m going off alone!



    ARAGORN

    Later.



    AUDIENCE

    Frodo’s not too bright either.



    RING

    Psst. Boromir. C’mere.



    BOROMIR

    Hey, Frodo. What’s up? I was

    wondering…



    BOROMIR jumps FRODO. FRODO uses the RING to escape.



    BOROMIR

    D’oh!



    FRODO runs like hell through the FREAKY-DEAKY world of DARKNESS. THE EYE OF SAURON makes him fall. ARAGORN manages to show up.



    FRODO

    I’m leaving. Alone.



    ARAGORN

    What did that moron Boromir do?



    FRODO

    Never mind. Orcs!



    CAMERA switches to BLAIR-WITCH-O-VISION again.



    There is an EXTENDED FIGHT SEQUENCE while FRODO runs away. Alone.



    ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI kick serious ***.



    BOROMIR tries to protect MERRY and PIPPIN. He does a poor job and REFUSES to DIE. AUDIENCE is either IMPRESSED or LAUGHING.



    ARAGORN saves BOROMIR. Sort of.



    BOROMIR

    Aragorn. I always loved you.



    ARAGORN

    Um…



    BOROMIR finally DIES.



    FRODO is ELSEWHERE, trying to escape alone. SAM is too paranoid and too crafty and manages to catch up.



    SAM

    I can’t let you leave my sight!



    FRODO

    Oh, for the love of…



    FRODO saves SAM from DROWNING.



    THE MOMENT

    Hi there. Have some emotion.

    I’ve got plenty for all.



    THE MOVIE ENDS.



    AUDIENCE

    WHAT!? NOW?!



    FRODO

    Unless you want to sit through

    another six hours.



    AUDIENCE

    YES!



    ENYA ON SOUNDTRACK

    Hmm…I just got my tranquilizer prescription

    refilled. Must be time to write another album.

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