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Thread: JOKES!!!
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Originally posted by corfy
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die , I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said,! "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
:angel""A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." / Carl Sagan
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These are actual excuse notes from parents
(Including original spelling)
Collected by Nisheeth Parekh
University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston
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My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the ****s.
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fev er. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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cops, robbers and lawyers
cops, robbers and lawyers
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police
officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person
matching the description of the offender several
running blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description
of this so-called offender.
A. Yes sir.
Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then
officer - do you have a locker at the station - a room where
you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your
Fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to
lock your locker in a room you
share with those same officers?
A. You see, sir, we share the building with a
court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk
through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter,
and a prompt recess was called."I hate to advocate weird chemicals, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone …
but they've always worked for me,"
Hunter S.Thompson
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the hypnotist
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
"Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up
onto the stage to be put into a trance, intend to hypnotize each
and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my
family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The entire crowd, indeed, become totally mesmerized as the watch
swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.
"sh_t" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre
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magik beer
A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man
sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes
another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building
three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a
real a$$hole when you're drunk.
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the man code
No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In
fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly
gay.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothing.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but
not both. That's just plain mean.
Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow party goers.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until
they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo
wing clean.
If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must
jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have
caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ***-whooping", then
you may sit back and enjoy.
Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running
late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for
every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
scale.
Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to
hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your
good deed and end up having Sex with the beast, your pal is
forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he,
in return is required to grant it.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model...and
it's free.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his
beer.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's
withholding sex pending your response.
Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either
both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is
all the conversation you need.
If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join
him...too gay.
Thou shall not rent the movie "How Stella Got Her Groove Back ".
Thou shall watch the "American Pimp" DVD at least twice a year.
If your chick is out of line require her to watch "What's Love Got To Do
With It" (do not however let her view the end). After watching the great
Ike Turner put it down, she will be content with whatever you put her through.
Under no circumstances shall two men share an umbrella.
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Re: the man code
Originally posted by red bear
the man code
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Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell isn't so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we
drink till we throw up and then drink some more!
Guy: Gee, sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest
cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out, and
cigarettes too! If you get cancer, no biggie you are already
dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that is awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go
bankrupt...well, you're dead anyway. What about drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a
great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
submarine. You can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...
Demon: Ooooh. You're gonna hate Fridays
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WARNING: Tasteless
What did World Trade Center management do right after the second plane hit on Sept. 11th?
Started a Shop Till They Drop Sale.Are you a Mexi-CAN or a Mexi-CAN'T?
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Originally posted by blugh
WARNING: Tasteless
What did World Trade Center management do right after the second plane hit on Sept. 11th?
Started a Shop Till They Drop Sale."Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
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Originally posted by Shelly
Could we have that reply removed.
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A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about
2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the
rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if
everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything
else, the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the
rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
But then a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces
within the jar making the jar truly full.
The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
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Originally posted by Shelly
You beat me to it, my aim was to get another joke up as quick as poss!
Originally posted by Shelly
Training Courses Now Available for Men
...
*******************************************'
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
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Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test
results. The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been
a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from
your husband to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as
well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. And frankly,
your husband's results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs.Ward asked.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
has tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can't we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once."
Mrs. Ward asked, "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your husband off in the middle of
town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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