51.Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

52.If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!!

53.Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

54.If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

55.If the Master does not approve, neither do you.

56.Never handle the rat-monkey cage.

57.Your dog can take care of itself...

58.So can your spouse...

59.And your kids.

60.Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.

61.Sceptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

62.If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out.
63.Your plan takes into account all possible situations ... except for the one that actually occurs.

64.Don't be a smart-***. It'll only get you killed.

65.When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters' head.

66.Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/monster summoning.

67.People driven by vengeance always die.

68.Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved
ones will get you killed.

69.Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

70.Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

71.Feel no guilt.

72.If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist's dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

73.If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

74.If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up!

75.If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O.

76.If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

77.If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

78.If you're being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask "what's wrong?", don't stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they're really your friend they'll follow. If not -that's their tough luck.

79.If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you.

80.If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)

81.If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defence of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away!

82.If you are a bad dog (bad dog!), you WILL be dead by the movie's end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.

83.If you're a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won't eat you, the Catholic Inquisitors won't burn you as a witch's familiar, and/or the horny teen-age guys don't throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.

84.If you're a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your $%^& cage!).

85.If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity.

86.Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc. TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.

87.If you find a lot of dead people running around making zombies out of the living, kill yourself IMMEDIATELY! There is no happiness to be found when you're being eaten alive.

88.A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.

89.When you fight a monster use fire, electricity or acid whenever possible. Preferably use all of the above. And an atom bomb.


90.ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons.

91.ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

92.Always make eye shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).