Past Tense - Practical Shoes, Putrid Folks And Cream Filling Part I


[An earlier version of this PT was originally posted on October 18th, 2012 on JoBlo's "DVD, Blu-Ray & Home Theater Discussion" forum.]

The bars on the windows are doing their singular task. Such perverse passion - they are gnawing at the steel, trying to bite their way inside; looking at you with frenzied bloodlust as if you're the bacon in a sandwich which HAS to be made in short order. This is the first time since the 'happening' that you can pause to view their grotesque forms in the brightening morning. Is that some kind of bioluminescence in the eyes? You're not imagining it, they're somewhat glowing. That's when you hear the creak, your blood drops to frigid. The monster are learning and working together, six of them - pulling the bars away from the wood. Peeling the metal from frame and wall. I'm sure that sales man didn't put that in his pitch - 'limited warranty in the event of Hell Hounds'. You have, perhaps a good thirty seconds before they get inside. RUN! Hide. Prey.

You made it - this far. Week three of "Limited Edition Horror" 2019. Another two parter as we travel across a post-apocalyptic America looking for a Twinkie in "Zombieland"...



The motion picture opened on October 2nd, 2009. It was made with a budget of $23,600,00 (estimated) and grossed over 75 million during its U.S. theatrical run. The film opened number one at the box office, the following week it dropped to number two.

The feature opened against "Capitalism: A Love Story", "Surrogates", "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs" and "Whip It".

The DVD release did not come with a slipcover, but it came with an insert. Side one; ad for the "Zombieland: The Mobile Game" cell phone game, the other side, ads for various Sony Blu-Rays.

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Best Buy had the only exclusive, a bonus disc. The set streeted on February 2nd, 2010 and sold for $22.99. It was also available on Blu-Ray for $24.99. It came with an exclusive wraparound, the "Nut Up Or Shut Up" edition.

This came in a real two disc case, not one of those crappy eco-friendly cases or a CD envelope. The bonus disc has two featurettes; "Shootin' Zombie With Ruben Fleischer" and "Behind The Scenes With The Cast And Crew Of Zombieland"; a runtime of 27:31 minutes.

There is no menu screen, both featurettes play consecutively.

Wait.

"Superbad Meets Shaun Of The Dead" - reviewer quote on the cover. Not like that that, "Superbad" (2007) had shameless, loud unlikeable characters. That wasn't here. A good thing.

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Rant.



This is one of the few zombie movies that can be said in the same breath as "Shaun Of The Dead" (2004). There are so many low budget flicks trying for that claim - 90%+ fail at that; lame humor with lackluster effects do not make a memorable feature. What does?

I'll name a few, "Fido" (2006), "Dance Of The Dead" (2008), "Doghouse" (2009) and "Slither" (2006).

Not a fan of "Superbad" (2007). Just didn't find it funny. Why am I suppose to care about this loud mouth A-hole? Being a jerk isn't funny.



It was however the first film to introduce me to Emma Stone. Got curious, then I saw her in "Easy A" (2010) and "The Help" (2011). I'm sold. She's cool. Researching this post, learned that Megan Fox turned down the role of Wichita. I'm glad that happened. I can't see her in the part. That's not a dig at Ms. Stone. She's attractive in that 'girl next door' kind of way. The movie is better with her involvement.

As for Fox, you can now call her a MILF. She didn't announce it until nearly three weeks after the fact. See, that's how you do it. She didn't whore herself every step of the way (like Beyonce).

Private moment, not something to be plastered on every tabloid cover. Well done, Miss Fox.

Anyhow, this film reinforces my fear of clowns. I don't care for them.



Screw you, if you're laughin'. They bug me. That painted face zombie (Derek Graf) was nasty (above left). Just as bad as the face eating jester (Kyle Glencross) from "George A. Romero's Diary Of The Dead" (2007). By the way, Michelle Morgan who played Debra Moynihan in "Diary" looks very much like an older Ashley Greene (not an insult, a maturer Greene - before she started looking a bit anorexic), an observation. She's still attractive.

Yeah, Greene gets two mentions. This PT and the last one.

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Footnotes.

I took a bullet for you.

Oh man, I regret buying this (July 2012). The bright side of this crap cake is that I only paid ten bucks, bought off an Amazon reseller. What is it?



Released from IMDFilms on May 17th, 2011 was the low budget ($500,000) parody of "Zombieland" called "Stripperland", $19.95. Same concept, except, wait for it... switching zombies with strippers - turned into zombies. A global virus turns women into undead strippers who feed on the living or on single dollar bills which ever comes first. Now you might think that was funny.

Sure, on paper decent; executed - pure garbage.

It had characters based on the film. Holy crap, Maren McGuire plays Virginia, the Abigail Breslin role of Little Rock. She is WAY TOO old for that part! They have her in pigtails, dude it does not work. Next they have Ileana Herrin as West, the Emma Stone part of Wichita. You can see for yourself on that DVD cover.

The only good part was Frisco played by Jamison Challeen, the Woody Harrelson's Tallahassee role. He fit the character. I didn't have problem with him. But he doesn't save the motion picture - which I use loosely.

Take my advice, avoid this. Don't make the same mistake. You're better off giving ten dollars to a homeless person. At least they'll do something productive with that money; food, booze or drugs.

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Back in October of 2011 20th Century Fox was developing the movie into a TV series for CBS. A pilot written by Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick who wrote the screenplay. They said this was going to be the replacement for a sequel, which at the time - just wasn't happening. Their project was planned as a half hour show for the Fall 2012 TV season. Then squat. Nothing.



It was Amazon Studios who picked it up the pilot in 2013; using Reese and Wernick teleplay. The tagline: "A new dead is dawning."

The half hour pilot was directed by Eli Craig. And was released on Amazon's streaming service in April '13.

The following month it was announced the adaptation was axed, series would not be picked up.

*long sigh*



Man, this looked like crap on a cracker. What you're seeing is as if the cast were made using the discount versions of the actors - several tiers down.

Left to right: Izabela Vidovic as Little Rock; Kirk Ward as Tallahassee; Maiara Walsh as Wichita and Tyler Ross as Columbus.

New character was added, Detroit - a voice by Kendra Fountain, an ex-OnStar operator. She's their navigator.