Past Tense - Things Which Do Not Mix - Exotic Dancers And The Undead Part I


A brand new entry!

The darkness was quite zen, there was no telling how much time had actually elapsed. You had fallen asleep where you laid on the attic floor. Your old girlfriends pretty much said the same things. 1) You were a hard sleeper. You had in fact had slept through a minor earthquake some years back. 2) You are a quiet one, no snoring which was a benefit they enjoyed on sleep overs. You smiled at that thought.

The only reason you were roused was the crashing of something damn heavy, like a huge cabinet BELOW you. That gave you the jolted you needed to become lucid once more. But had enough fortitude to remain silent and unmoved. You had the Conan sword replica resting on your chest, like this was some kind of Viking funeral. The arrows and bow to your side. Heart now racing as you can hear the chupacabras sniffing out the last of the peanut butter decoys.

Turns out they were systematically taking them out by 'marking their territory' on the area which nulled the odor with their own. Like a soldier marking which enemy homes had been searched - scratched off their list. They had gone through the house; room by room and marking it as empty of you. Not sleepy now, you are terrified - they're not dumb beasts. They are operating on a plan; seek and destroy. You lay silent and think about the devil dogs in the panic room. Did they get out or still there, like flys caught in one of those fly jar traps?

That's when you hear one of the dogs growling what appeared to be orders. This was different, slower like it was walking with a limp. Was it THAT beast? Did it get out? BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! They're finished with the rooms. No more decoys - only one spot left unexplored. They were jumping up, attempting to crack the door open. You remain silent as each crash bounces off the attic door. Scared but not foolish. If you moved - at this range they will hear you and intensify their bombardments, breaking in swiftly.

This is how I die? You thought to yourself; not as an elderly man married for decades to some hot piece and grew old together. Get mauled into bloody bit by trans-dimensional canines? This sucks! So much preparations for nothing. More crashes, not sure how long that golf club will hold or how long the wooden frame will stay in one piece. Blinks and tears as you can hear a new sound... a crack. The wood is failing. Yeah. You're still alive. You're still alive because of all the preparations taken. Probably the only person in miles still alive this long. Thinking for a moment, all this crap DID buy you time - maybe hours.

Before you took your lay, you had enough smarts to have feet first towards the door - so you could have some tactical advantage, though minor. All you had to do is sit up and shoot those arrows like there's no tomorrow... aim be true. But not sitting up now. Has to be to your convenience, let this spot be an unknown to them even for a few more seconds or else they'll go ravenous and multi-dogs crashing into the attic. You ever so quitely pulled the arrows and bow onto your chest. Letting the sword ever so slightly fall down, you legs together so the metal does not hit the floor.

The first arrow on the bow; ready to be pulled and released. You close your eyes, doing your best to control your breathing. "The tragedy of this severed notion, looming red tonight. The clawed infatuation, this tattered nowhere man" - that was random; lyrics from the song "There Will Be Blood" came out of ether.

In the din of getting ready to meet your fate you had not seen the attic vents, some light was starting to shine through. Part of the sunlight hit the the top part of the bow - that's when you took notice. It's morning! It's MORNING. In a few moments that infernal horn should be blowing, calling these monsters back. Please hold on, door. Only maybe a minute more. A minute more.

No such luck.

The door burst open, but no dogs. It had come back down, biting on the steps, pulling the assembly down. How did they know how to do that? In the crashing noise, you sit up using the clamor to mask any sounds you could have made. Pulling your legs inward, the metal sword now touching the floor. Sounds you made which went unnoticed. You can hear creaks as one of the mutts is rising up.

Bow pulled, holding. The second its head popped up over the edge - you released. It didn't have time to register you. No yelp. It just went limp, arrow right in the eye. It slumped for a second and fell down the stairs. A second later the next arrow was ready. There was quiet, like the eye of a hurricane, that brief calm... then the sound that came was terrifying. A bark and growl combined as two of them had rushed upwards.

You had shot the next arrow into the noise, killing the chupacabra creature instantly. Dumb luck the two dogs were trying to enter at the same time. The next quiver sent a moment later killed the other devil dog. You blinked as you saw two dead beast at the door - plugging up the entry. Did you just bottleneck the attic? You can hear the other dogs actually biting and attempting to pull the dead dogs apart, the stench of disembodiment was strong. They really wanted in, badly.

More jumps and bites. You can see the corpses shifting left and right, but still were firm in place for an instant further, then both fell down with a profound splatter, probably hitting upon the rest of their pulled innards.

You heard another coming up, not quick, labored - it was barking at the other dogs. As if to say 'this is mine'. Can this work again? The sword was on the floor pointing at the entry. The creature's head surfaced, mouth drooling and bit your leg, no time to react. The beast was motivated - it missed your flesh by centimeters. But knocked you off your balance, it was trying to pull you down by your pants. Making you toss your bow a distance from you.

You give it some solid kicks, screaming at it. But its glowing eyes had only one intent and an ever so slight grin as it tried to pull you down once more. You can hear the other dogs downstares yapping and howling. One of them was jumping up and hitting where you making your final stand, trying to make it more nightmarish. BOOM! BOOM! You can hear the wood below you starting to buckle. More kicks and shouts. Then came the horn.

The long beat, air raid siren boom.

Dawn is here.

The dog's eyes had widened; time to go. You took the mega sound as your opportunity to kick with great emphasis, the hilt of that replica - sending the sword into the dog's head. Crunch! It hit into the face and out the back of it's monstrous head. The dogs below had all stopped their efforts and fled your home back to whatever Hell they came from. You could literally see the light fade in its eyes. No breaking contact... 'I beat you'.

There was no cinema style death scene; bioluminescence turned off like an old fashioned TV set. You sat there for a moment staring at your deed, your pants still in its clenched jaw. Now what?

As if right on cue, the dog was moving which startled you. Then you saw real action. It was turning into dust, the proceedings happening quicker with each passing second till the head could no longer be held in place by the sword. It broke into two and both fell down. And just like that it was over.

You were nervous and crawled on all fours towards the opening. Looking down, you saw what ever so remained of the shape fade into oblivion. Then gone. Even the smell of those open intestine were gone as was their physical presence, though you could see the stain on the carpet. You moved the sword to the side and sat on the edge for a long time.

Your foe was taken down. But will this crisis happen each and every year? This the new normal? Then it hits you. How much damage was done? You had taken out a large premium in home insurance - which since last year included a rider for 'Devil Dogs'. Yeah, that was a thing in more hefty packages. As you walk into your shattered kitchen you can hear a helicopter in the distance. Something - movement!

No sword nor bow?!? Then it was seen. One of the cats you had heard when this thing had begun was inside. You and the feline looking at each other, probably thinking the same thing.

'Rough night?' Meow.

"Limited Edition Horror" 2020 comes to a contagious end with a mash-up of strippers and ghouls in "Zombies Zombies Zombies".



"Zombies Zombies Zombies" was released on home video on September 9th, 2008. It was a direct-to-video title from PassionRiver.

It streeted against "How The West Was Won", "Cool Hand Luke: Deluxe Edition", "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia: Season 3", "Kill Bill: Volume One" and the re-release of "Tim Burton's Sleep Hollow" (now with lenticular slipcover).

The basic edition originally came with a cardboard matted slipcover which mirrored the case's wraparound. No insert was issued.

- - -

There was one exclusive and was web based; only available if you bought it from them online. I'm sorry, the details are sparse. I didn't keep good notes then.